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To take him as her lover. To have him in every intimate way.
Not just his body, but his time and attention. His thoughts and words. She wantedeverythingwith him.
However…
It would have to be in secret. A well-known secret, perhaps, but not a public one.
She would never be able to marry him. Even if he was free now, he was a foreigner, and not one of royal birth. Many of her court still remembered him when he was her personal slave. Her people would never accept such a man as her consort. Her rule, already fragile, would entirely crumble in the face of a mass revolt.
But if she were to take him as a lover, he would only be known as her whore. No matter the feelingsshehad for him, he would be debasing himself to fulfill her selfish desires. People would judge. The respect he’d won would be crushed to dust.
Assuming that he would ever agree. Which she had on good authority, from his own lips, that he would not.
As she distanced herself from him, and as he expanded his own sphere of influence without her, his informal title of “Shadow” was seldom used any more. Only she referred to him as such as a private thing between them. Almost an endearment.
He was known widely as the Captain of the Palace Guard now. His own warriors and those in her armies even referred to him as “Commander.” For, he commanded people’s respect without trying. Just by being who he was.
She could never take that away from him, or threaten it with the demeaning role of the Regent’s stud.
She was at an impasse with Shai.
He was the only man she wanted, but she couldn’t have him. She could never ask it of him, assuming that he even wanted her back in such ways.
Distancing herself from him and vice versa served two purposes. To grant him more freedom, yes. But also to allow her some reprieve from this unquenchable, insatiable desire. This unfulfilledcravingandneed.
Perhaps it was more practical to look elsewhere. Sheknewit was. But she could not even look at another man without comparing him to Shai, and always finding him wanting.
Perhaps if there was more distance between them, and she came into her own strength, the need she felt for him would lessen.
After all, how much of her feelings were borne of these many years of being together every moment of every day? Of growing up depending on him in every way?
He was her companion, friend, confidante, protector. And by necessity, her lover for one unforgettable, life-changing night.
Who was she without him? What were her wants?
She needed to find out for herself.
And perhaps, he needed to as well.
Heba determined that night that she would give them both the space to do so.
Even if her chest felt hollow and filled with acid. Even if something fragile and new withered and died inside of her.
~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~
“Enter.”
Shai was admitted into the Regent’s throne room for a private interview. Two guards pulled the heavy double doors closed behind him.
It still seemed strange sometimes that he needed to wait for admittance. It used to be that he followed wherever she went, no questions asked.
But nowadays, they spent most of their time apart. They only saw each other with the sunrise each morning before they went their separate ways, and when they retired to her chambers to rest at night.
“You called for me, Regent?” he uttered, standing before her at the bottom of her elevated throne with legs braced apart and hands clasped behind his back.
The royal steward stood beside her seat, a large rolled scroll cradled length-wise in both hands.
Wearing her usual formal mask, she regarded him with an unreadable expression.
