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I gather her into my arms and let her cry it out. When her breathing goes back to normal and she dries her eyes, I say, “There could be all kinds of reasons. Maybe he’s a bad person, or he was in jail, or he has another family.” I feel her flinch when I suggest this. “Remember, it’s no reflection on you. You were just a toddler when he wrote that.”
“She still should have been honest with me. I could have taken it.”
“Yes, now you could, but maybe you were too young to understand, and she was protecting you. Then she was so in the habit of not telling you, it just never became an issue for you.” I stroke her hair as she leans on my chest. “I’m not trying to makeexcuses for her, because it’s despicable to lie to a person about their parentage, but she may have had her reasons.”
Honestly, I’m starting to doubt that Petra’s mother would have done anything to protect her daughter—the woman has shown herself to be pretty horrible—but staying positive seems to be calming Petra down.
Petra finally sits up on her own and opens a few more envelopes. The contents, including the cash, are roughly the same for a couple of years’ worth of letters. Gradually, however, they change. One of them is dated around the time Petra turned ten years old, and in this one her father becomes a bit stern with his message.
Dear Petra,
I understand your mother has been gone a lot, and you are with a nanny. I would love to come see you, but by the terms of our agreement I cannot.
It would be nice if you would show me some manners, young lady, and acknowledge the letters I’ve sent. Surely by now you’ve learned to write.
I hope you are getting these letters, and your greedy mother hasn’t absconded with this money too. Maybe it’s not your fault. For now, anyway, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
I love you, Petra.
Dad
“He must have feltbad about this one because it has a hundred-dollar bill inside.” Petra looks me in the eye. “At least he’s unwittingly paid me back for that stupid storage locker of junk. The only thing of value was this stuff she tried to hide, and she would have loved to have known this cash was in there. I’m frankly surprised she couldn’t smell there was money inside.”
The frequency of the letters begins to peter out as Petra gets older, but the amount of money grows exponentially larger in each of them. They are filled with remorse and self-recrimination for something we cannot identify.
One of them nearly breaks Petra’s heart.
Dearest Petra,
I am so proud of you. I flew in to watch you graduate from high school today. You’re so beautiful, and hearing that you won academic awards and writing awards made my heart feel as if it would burst with pride. I wanted so badly to stand up and cheer and say, “That wonderful girl is my precious daughter!” I’m so sorry I didn’t have the courage to do it—and hang the repercussions. The main reason I didn’t was because you might suffer embarrassment because of my outburst. I doubt you’d recognize me anymore. You were just a baby the last time I held you in my arms.
Why wasn’t your mother at the ceremony? I hope she isn’t ill. We may have serious issues, but I do have a softspot in my heart for her even after all these years. Maybe I ought to know better.
Please write back to me Petra. College will start soon, and maybe I can come see you on campus sometime. Your mother doesn’t need to know. She’s so rarely in the country anymore anyway. I hope whatever is keeping her away from you is making her happy because from my point of view, she’s making some huge mistakes.
Don’t worry about tuition. I’ve taken care of it the same way I did for your private schools all of these past years. Your mother probably told you that anyway, so I guess I didn’t even need to bring it up.
I hope you don’t hate me for staying out of your life. Is that why you’ve never written back?
Congratulations dearest one,
Dad
“Weston,this is killing me. My mom told me she had money, and that’s how we got to live in a nice place with so many privileges. She made me grovel and thankherall the time for her supposed generosity like she was doing me a big favor by feeding, clothing, and educating me. When I got older, I just assumed she had wealthy parents—although she never spoke of them. You know how kids are. They don’t usually question the why of things—they just accept them as their due. But it’s beenmy dad all along, and she lied about it. I must have seemed like the worst ingrate to him for never speaking up and thanking him for his support. I feel terrible!”
All I can offer is a hug. It’s not nearly enough, but it slows down her shaking.
The last letter is postmarked during Petra’s freshman year in college, but interestingly, the post office box is a new one close to her college campus in Iowa. It’s also stamped with a forwarding address to the original box in Chicago. This one is the worst yet, despite having five thousand dollars stuffed inside.
Petra,
I had a long chat with your mother today. She assured me you’ve been getting all of these letters, and you’ve chosen to ignore me. This is unacceptable. I’ve shown you as much love and understanding as I possibly could from afar, but I know so little about you—only what your mother deems necessary—I don’t know how to communicate with you. I’ve made it clear that your living expenses have been taken care of generously, and I’ve always included pin money for you to spend on whatever you thought would be fun. It breaks my heart that you have apparently turned into a selfish brat who has no care for the feelings of your own father. I hoped we could finally see one another once you’re a legal adult, but I’m washing my hands of you. The terms of your trust fund will endwhen you turn twenty-five, but if I could stop supporting you prior to that, I would. I’ve asked you countless times to answer my letters, and yet I’ve heard not one word from you. I won’t stop loving you, but I cannot keep hoping for you to contact me. It hurts too much to carry on these one-sided conversations.
It’s time to cut you loose. I wish you well.
Dad
“Oh my God,Weston. What am I going to do? Why do you think he had to stay away from me? What happened? I’m so confused, and I feel like crap. He says he loves me, but if I were him, I’d hate me!”
