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The thought of kissing this man makes me want to vomit, but I know I have no choice if I don’t want to get jumped by Ronnie and her crew. I look over my shoulder and notice that Jaxon is watching us again. When he sees me turn around, his gaze flickers away, and I know this is our chance.
“It’s good to see you,” I say, getting to my feet. Frank stands, too, and pulls me in against him. He smells gross; like cigarettes and stale booze, and I fight down a visible cringe.
“Give me some sugar,” he murmurs, and before I can react, he slips his tongue between my lips, forceful and excited. I’m about to pull back in shock when I feel with my tongue the rubber texture of the balloon he’s trying to slip me. I close my eyes to block out the reality of this moment and suck the tiny drug-filled balloon into my cheek, trying not to gag. Behind me, Jaxon speaks up loudly.
“That’s enough.”
I pull away from Frank, and he releases me, but not before muttering, “You have to swallow it, you cunt.”
And so I do. I swallow the drugs down as tears prick against my eyes. I don’t sit down though. I’m done.
“It’s been a pleasure,” I mutter to Frank. Then I turn around and head for the exit for a strip search before I’m released back into my block.
All I can do now is pray the drugs don’t kill me before I can get rid of them.
“Everything okay back there?” Jaxon asks afterwards, as he walks me back to the unit. I worry if I open my mouth I’ll spew all over the floor, so I just nod instead. Jaxon doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t pressure me further. Once we’re at my unit, Sabine and Ronnie greet me, nodding at Jaxon as if to dismiss him. For a horrifying moment I think he’s going to stay and push me more, but he doesn’t.
Sabine lets out a relieved breath and takes my hand like a mother leading her child. I like Sabine. She reminds me of my own grandmother, only not…because she’s a criminal. Then again, so am I.
“Did you get it?” Ronnie hisses, grabbing the arm that Sabine is not holding. I nod frantically, too afraid to speak, and Ronnie walks behind me, too close for comfort as we enter my cell. “Well,” she says, nodding toward the toilet. “Get on with it.”
Even though I’ve never done it before, I know what she wants me to do, and tears well up in my eyes as I get to my knees in front of the bowl and lean over it. Then, while Sabine’s hand rests on my back, I shove my finger down my throat to try and vomit. The first time, nothing comes out but sour bile and spit.
“That’s alright, honey, just try again.” Sabina hovers over me, her grandmotherly hand resting gently on my back as I heave. Bile rises in my throat as I stick my fingers back again. Tears spill from my eyes, begging for a release, but I can’t even stop to take a breath. I won’t stop, because I don’t want to die. Not like this and not in here.
“Hey! What’s the status in there?” Ronnie leans into my cell, arms folded nonchalantly, her eyes wide open for any intruders.
“Give her a minute, darling,” says Sabina as I shove another finger down my throat. “She’s trying.”
Aside from breakfast this morning, my stomach isn’t very full except for the balloon of drugs in the pit of my gut, so it makes it harder to force anything out. Finally, once I feel like I’m about to pass out from the exertion, the bag comes out and lands in the water of the toilet bowl, where Sabina quickly snatches it up and rinses it off. She tosses it at Ronnie, who seems put out, and then hugs me.
“You alright, love?”
I sniff, burying my sweat and tear stained face into her sweatshirt. I want to sob, and scream, and never let Sabine go, but I can’t lose my cool now.
“I’m good,” I say, wiping my face one last time. I pull away from Sabine and meet eyes with Ronnie. She’s watching me, but it’s difficult to read her expression. That’s worse than anything else. After a long moment she nods, just once, in my direction, and I nod back before she disappears into A-Block.
My job here is done. At least for now.
Chapter Five
“Hey. You okay?”
I look up as Lace approaches, stopping at my cell door to lean up against the frame. She folds her arms across her chest and watches me. There’s something in her face. Empathy, maybe?
“I’m good.” I can’t bear to look at anyone without wanting to cry, so I look at the floor where my feet are and instead focus on the cracks in the shabby tile. I hope that gives her enough incentive to leave, but she doesn’t. Instead, she comes into my cell and closes the door behind her. Lace takes a seat on the bed next to me, careful not to get too close, but still too close for comfort. I hate that she smells so good; like lavender.
“We all have to do it,” Lace says. I raise my head to look at her, but now she’s not looking at me. Her gaze is now fixed on the floor. “Whoever is Boss at the time expects the newbies to do it for them, at least once. It shows your devotion and trust in them.”
“Trust?” I laugh bitterly. “There’s no trust in that, Lace. It could have killed me.Shecould have killed me.”
“You and every other woman that comes through here,” Lace says, prodding my irritation.
“And I’m sure they have, right? Died, I mean.”
Lace is quiet for a few moments before she speaks. “It’s happened. It’s happened while I’ve been here, and even before that.”
“And you all think it’s okay?” I get to my feet, angry, and cross the room toward my window. I can’t be near Lace right now. I can’t be around anyone who thinks that what we’re expected to do here is okay.
