AllFreeNovel
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Exhaustion.
Menstrual cramps. That one has always worked the best.
“Don’t look so nervous,” Jamie says, clucking over me like a mother hen. “First dates are supposed to be fun.” She straightens my silk scarf for what feels like the millionth time and smiles, her eyes scanning me top to bottom. I feel so out of place and stiff in these date clothes, tight jeans that Carly once said, “accentuates my ass,” and a low-hanging shirt that I keep unconsciously pulling up. The makeup is a little heavy, Jamie’s doing, but I’m trying to be grateful instead of annoyed. After all, I’ve never been on a real date before, and Jason is on his way to pick me up. That isn’t to say I’ve never had sex before, because I have, but I was never exactly wooed off my feet beforehand.
“Take a deep breath,” Jamie says as I take a seat on the edge of my bed, knees trembling. She’s going through my closet still, looking for anything else she can to make this outfit even worse. “Jason is a nice guy, isn’t he? I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”
“I’m sure we will,” I tell her, but I’m not entirely convinced. What I don’t tell her aloud is that the only real reason I’m going on a date with Jason tonight is because I need something–or someone–to distract me from the fact that Matt, Dereck, and Bryce won’t leave the forefront of my mind.
And it’s making me insane.
“Hey, are you okay?” Giving up on my dull wardrobe, Jamie sits down on the bed next to me, her eyes scanning my face, brows furrowed in concern. “You don’t look excited about this at all. You don’t have to go, you know. I just think it would be good for you.”
“I know, I just …” I let out a big breath and shake my head. “I dunno. Jason is great and all, but I just don’t know if he’s really my type.”
“Jason is everyone’s type,” Jamie says with a giggle. “I realized that I have him in two different classes. He’s not as arrogant as the boys you know, sure, but he seems nice enough.”
“Yeah, but is ‘nice enough’ supposed to be enough?”
“That depends,” Jamie says with a shrug. “Are you tired of the jerks yet?”
She’s right and she knows it, we both do, so I sigh loudly and nod my head.
“Fine.”
“You won’t know until you try, right?” Jamie pats my hand gently, eyes twinkling. “Besides, it’s college. It’s time to date, be free, and have fun. This doesn’t even have to be a serious thing with you two. You’ll get a free meal and maybe some drinks out of it.”
“I know. I just can’t stop thinking about …” I trail off, heat rising to my face, and Jamie’s eyebrows shoot up.
“You can’t stop thinking about what, Rowan?”
“Nothing.”
“Or who?” Jamie’s grin widens, a kid on Christmas. “You can’t stop thinking about who?”
I sigh and take a deep breath, knowing that if I were going to be honest with anyone at all, it had to be Jamie.
“Remember the guys from the bar? The ones I told you were my bullies?”
“Yeah, what’s not to remember?” Jamie rolls her eyes, but even my oblivious eye notices the tiny red tint that appears on her apple-shaped cheeks.
“I just feel … I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I can’t seem to get them out of my mind, and I don’t know why.”
“In what way?” Jamie asks. “Do you imagine killing them slowly and painfully, or do you think of them in a sexual way?”
“A little bit of both,” I admit, because it’s true. I do want to kill Matt, Dereck, and Bryce.
But I also want to fuck them. And I have no idea why.
But I do.
Because the thought of them excites me; it’s a strange, new feeling that I haven’t yet felt in talking to Jason. Even with the memories, the shitty days, the mean taunts. Why am I thinking about them in any way whatsoever that doesn’t reflect that?
They tortured me. And now it’s happening again, but in an entirely different way.
“So, what do you want to do about these boys?” Jamie asks, reaching over to grab both of our half-empty wine glasses from my nightstand. She hands me mine and I take a drink, savoring the warmth that spreads through my chest.
“If I know what’s good for me, then absolutely nothing,” I tell Jamie, shaking my head. “I shouldn’t get involved with them at all.”
