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Rowan
Idon’t get home until after nine that night. After my shift at the hospital, I’d spent the rest of the night studying with Jason in the library for a few hours after our last class, and I’m ready to fall into bed as soon as I open the front door and cross the threshold. But as I step into the living room, a strange silence falls over me, and I feel tense suddenly, like I’ve walked into the aftermath of a warzone.
“Hello?” I call, trying to remember if I saw my roommates’ cars in the driveway or not. It smells familiar in my house, but familiar in a different way … like the smell of a man, a lingering, spicy smell that is oh-so-familiar …
“Hey, doll.” Jamie must have heard me from her room, because she pokes her head out and peers at me over the top banister of the stairwell.
“Hey.” Relieved to see a friendly face, I kick off my shoes and hang up my jacket, shivering from the cold outside. “It smells like guy in here,” I say with a chuckle. “Do you have a man over, Jamie?”
My friend doesn’t laugh at this, and pain tightens in my stomach when I see her expression fall.
“Matt was here,” she says, and something about the way she says it sets my teeth on edge.
“When?” I ask.
“A couple of hours ago.”
“Why?”
Jamie sighs, and something about her reaction makes bile rise in my throat.
“He came to see Carly.”
I swallow, dizzy suddenly, and Jamie comes down the stairs to take my hand, leading me to the couch.
“Is it as bad as I think it is?” I ask, voice shaking. Jamie sighs and nods her head.
“He told Carly about you and Dereck.”
Something inside of me tightens, and I feel lightheaded and nauseous. Anger swells like a balloon in the pit of my stomach but is quickly replaced by something else, something more intense … something that feels devastatingly like betrayal.
“Where is she?” I ask. “Where’s Carly?”
“I don’t know.” Jamie’s shoulders slump and her brow furrows, like it’s difficult for her to tell me all of this. “She left the house earlier in a rage, screaming like a banshee.”
“Screaming about me?”
“Your name slipped out once or twice.”
“Fuck.” I lean back against the couch, and Jamie goes straight to the kitchen for a bottle of wine and two glasses. She hands me one and pours us both a drink, which I throw back without even tasting it. As I sit with Jamie trying to wrap my head around everything, I can’t seem to ease that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s so intense I want to cry, but do I really have that right?
I don’t want to admit it, not even for a second, but I know it’s still true.
I did betray Carly.
I betrayed Dereck.
I betrayed Bryce.
I even fucking betrayed Jason.
And then, in an unexpected turn of events, Matt betrayed me.
“Hey, it’s going to be okay.” Jamie leans across the couch and wipes a tear away with her thumb, smiling kindly. “These things happen, Row. But you’ll get through it.”
“What am I even supposed to do?” Sniffling, I grab a Kleenex from the counter and wipe it across my eyes, shaking my head. “Carly is going to hate me forever. All of them will.”
“I don’t know, babe.” Jamie sighs and wraps her arms around me in a hug. I feel so grateful for her, especially now that I know she might be the only person I have left to turn to.
“Yeah, well, the worst part is … I brought it all on myself, didn’t I?”
When Jamie doesn’t answer immediately, I close my eyes and take a deep breath, head fuzzy with emotion, just letting Jamie hug me.
“You’ll get through this, okay?” she says, shaking her head. “Lots of people go through this kind of heartbreak, especially in college.”
I shake my head, fighting down the lump in my throat. “I fucked up, James. I really fucked up. I hurt a lot of people in the process. And I—” I suck in a gulp of air, chest tight with nausea. “I hurt people who didn’t deserve to be hurt, okay? I’m not this person.”
“I know you’re not,” Jamie says. She straightens up and brushes a strand of tear-dampened hair out of my eyes. “Pull yourself together, Row, and let’s figure this out. I won’t let you go down for this, at least not alone.”
