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“It makes all the difference,” Rowan says softly. “Because you’re helping people, aren’t you? You, Matthew Nelson, are an actual public servant.”
“You seem shocked.”
“I am, I guess. I didn’t know you were capable of having that kind of compassion for others, to be honest.”
“Don’t kid yourself,” I tease. “I do it for the adrenaline spike.” That’s bullshit, of course, and Rowan is right. I still remember the first patient I dragged out of a burning building, unharmed. It’s what keeps me going.
“If you’re a firefighter, what are you going to school for?” Rowan asks.
“Fire science. I’d like to keep moving up in my position.”
Rowan is looking at me now with a new expression, one of curiosity and newfound interest. But before I can say anything more, the expression is gone and she’s fuming.
“Why are you here, Matt? Did you come here to remind me what a slut I am?” she asks. “How I betrayed my roommate, not to mention your two best friends, right?”
“I don’t think I need to do that, Row, because it seems to me that you’re doing plenty enough of that by yourself.”
“Yeah, well, you reap what you sow, right?”
“I guess.” I shrug, looking around at the chic décor in the girl’s shared house. “But not forever, you know?”
“I don’t deserve forgiveness,” Rowan says quietly. She’s not looking at me, but I can see the emotions vivid in her eyes. “I fucked up, okay? I did something I’ve never done and never thought about doing before.”
“You’re not a bad person.”
“How can you of all people sit there and say that?” Rowan jumps to her feet, scowling, and I think for a moment she might come at me. “You’re one of the worst people I know, Matthew Nelson, as are both of your friends. But I’m standing here now and I’m telling you that I fucked up, and you think I’m not a bad person?”
“You know what you did,” I tell her, also getting to my feet. “And you’re hurting for it. You’d only be a bad person if you know what you did and didn’t care.”
“Everyone cares when they screw up.” Rowan shakes her head, wiping a tear away. Her arms are folded across her chest, a protective stance. “Nobody is that heartless.”
“You’d be surprised.” I take a step in her direction, and then another, waiting for Rowan to move away from me, but she doesn’t.
“You still haven’t told me why you’re here,” she says, and she can’t meet my gaze. She’s crying, just a little bit, and it’s all I have in me not to pull her to my body and hold her until I physically can’t anymore.
“I’m here to apologize.” I take another step. Rowan stays where she is. “Dereck and Bryce reminded me that I’m the only one who hasn’t apologized to you for all the shitty things I did in the past—”
“And now,” she reminds me, and I smile.
“And now.”
Rowan sniffles, shaking her head, but a tiny, nearly non-existent smile is playing on her lips.
“Thank you for the apology,” she says. “But if it was meant to make me feel better, it didn’t.” Her chin drops to her chest once more and I move in, folding my arms around her. I expect her to fight, scream at me, even throw something heavy.
But she does none of those things. Not a single one. Instead, she breaks down and cries, her knees weak, and she lets me hold her, secure in my arms until the sun dips behind the mountain and the house settles into darkness.
And even then, we still hold each other.
