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“You’ve got it.”
We stopped at a Sonic restaurant on the way home and got curbside service. I ordered a triple burger, fries and a thick, chocolate shake.
“Jesus Christ,” Taz commented, shaking his head, “I can see you’re going to be taking this ‘eating-for-two’ thing seriously.”
“Shut up,” I said, laughing, stuffing another French fry into my mouth. “You’ll love me no matter what.”
“You’ve got that right,” he sighed, leaning over to kiss me. “I love you so fucking much, Lindsey.”
“I know you do, baby. It makes me so happy.”
“So, are you really happy, Linds? Are things perfect for you now?”
“I don’t believe in perfection, Taz, but I would say that I am happier now than I have ever been. I mean, the only thing that still bothers me is the not knowing where my dad is, or if he is even alive.”
“I know,” he said, shaking his head. “That story Susanne gave is pretty sketchy. They supposedly got separated in Mexico and she ended up with all of his belongings when he didn’t return from his meeting with the ‘Federales’? I don’t buy that is all she knows. I think she knows more. But, you have to understand how corrupt it is in Mexico, Lindsey. I hate to say this, babe, but you have to consider the fact your father may not be alive.”
“I’ve thought of that often, Taz. I truly believe that if he had come back into the U.S. I would have heard something from him somehow.”
“I know that is a hard thing to deal with.”
“There are just so many answers that I will never have; explanations that I feel he owed me.”
“I doubt if he could even explain it to himself, Lindsey, let alone to you. He got caught up in it. He was not the person you thought he was.”
“I know. It’s still difficult, though.”
“Do you feel safe again, sweetie?”
I nodded.
“I do, Taz. Dr. Beatty made me realize that I couldn’t depend on you or anyone else to make me feel safe. It needed to come from within me, my own sense of security. I know I was pretty clingy to you right after all of this happened. I am so glad you convinced me to get the therapy.”
“I’m glad that it helped.”
“I mean, I still worry when you’re out in the field, doing some covert stuff that you can’t even tell me about. I guess that’s the only fear I still have, but that is a natural fear Dr. Beatty explained. I can live with that as long as you promise me you’ll always come back to me.”
“I will always do my very best, Lindsey. You know that.”
“So, am I ever going to meet your family, Taz? Are they even going to know they have a grandchild on the way?”
“I know I haven’t told you much about them, Lindsey. Obviously, we’re not a close family, but it’s not like we’re estranged either. I think we should think about taking a trip to California after the baby arrives. I would like to surprise my folks with their first grandbaby.”
“I’d like that,” I said, smiling over at him. “You can never have too much family."
The thought of my father crossed through my mind once again. I wondered what type of a grandfather he might have been.
Later that evening, as Taz and I were lying in our bed, listening to the fireworks being set off all over the neighborhood, he pulled me to him once again with a question.
“Do you want our baby to be a boy or a girl?”
I thought about it for a couple of seconds and then answered honestly.
“I know the proper thing to say is that I don’t care, as long as the baby is healthy, which of course, is my primary focus. But if I had my preference, I’d kind of like our first baby to be a girl.”
“Me, too,” he said, smiling. “I want to spoil her rotten and then give her three younger brothers to keep an eye on her.”
“Three more?”
