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I don’t know how long we sleep for. When I wake up, I notice it’s dark outside the window, and the curtains are drawn. They’ve turned off the overhead light, too, but there’s still a light from the adjoining bathroom, and the light that filters in through the box window in the doorway.
Pearl sleeps in a cot beside the hospital bed.
Otto’s arms are splayed about in all directions which is, somehow, his most comfortable position to sleep in. By some miracle, he hasn’t pulled out any of the IVs or wires attached to him, and I’m soothed by the consistent beep of his heart monitor.
I hear muffled voices in the hallway. Through the door window, I can see Jason talking to another doctor. Jason rubs his hand over his mouth, his forehead creased with concern.
Carefully, I peel myself out of the hospital bed. My clothes are wrinkled, and they feel stiff and uncomfortable. I hang my legs off the side of the bed, slide into my shoes, and quietly exit the room, closing the door behind me.
In the bright light of the hallway, I feel a little strange and out of place—like a little girl who crawled out of bed in her pj’s to interrupt the adults’ raucous nighttime party.
“Hey,” I say, and both turn to look at me. I hug my arms around my chest. “Everything okay?”
Jason glances at the other doctor and then pats him on the shoulder, which seems to be his cue to leave. He turns to me then and says calmly, “It’s Donovan. The surgery went smoothly, but his blood pressure dropped during recovery, and—”
My ears block the rest of his noise, turning it into a fuzzy tangle of sounds. I can’t hear any more doctor-speak. I know the sympathetic turn of the eyebrows. The pinched corner of his mouth. The way he clasps his hands to keep himself from nervously rubbing them together.
I know what he’s saying, what he’s really saying.
Something went wrong. Donovan is in trouble.
“When can I see him?” I ask, breaking through the fog.
“Now,” he says. “If you’d like. We haven’t been able to get him to wake up yet, but you’re welcome to see him.”
“Please.”
Jason slips a hand to my back.
He guides me through the hospital. This building never sleeps—many rooms are dark, turned out for the night, but there are still plenty of nurses and doctors at their stations, checking in on patients, working at the computers.
He leads me to a room and opens up the door but lingers by the doorway instead of coming in.
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly have any more room for anxiety, it swoops in again, birds low-diving in my stomach. Donovan is lying in the hospital bed, strapped up to monitors and tucked under a white blanket. He’s Donovan alright, but the nothingness in his face terrifies me. If it wasn’t for the slight rise and fall of his chest, I wouldn’t be certain he was alive at all, and that thought chills me.
“Do you want me to stick around?” Jason asks gently.
“No…it’s okay. I need a second.”
He nods and then gives my arm a small squeeze. “I’ll be right out here if you need me.”
Then he closes the door, giving Donovan and me some privacy.
There are a couple of chairs in the room, and I pull one up to sit beside Donovan’s bed. His skin looks so pale, like wax. I find myself transfixed on his chest—the hospital gown opens low, and I can see his necklace bunched up. His mother and father’s wedding rings close to his heart.
I reach over and trace one of the rings with my fingertip. “Hey…it’s me,” I say, the words sounding strange out loud. I feel like I’m leaving a voicemail instead of talking to a living, breathing human. But in case he can hear me, I push forward. “You’ve got to wake up…Otto is recovering well. He wants to thank you for his new kidney. We couldn’t have done any of this without you.”
I press my lips together and then get to the truth of it. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you. My whole life I’ve been afraid to fall in love…terrified of trusting other people. Then I found you and Jason. You loved me. Without any strings. And that…scared the hell out of me.” I take a breath. “But more than that…it scares me to think that I could lose you and you’d never know how I felt. You’re the other half of me. You get me. In a way no other human ever has. You’re my best friend…my soul mate…and I love you.”
The words don’t sound strange, or forced, or wrong. They sound right, so I lean forward on Donovan’s bed and reach over to draw my fingers through his hair.
“I love you, Donovan…”
Suddenly, he moves. His eyebrows knit, and his mouth curves downward. “Ow…”
“Donovan?” My heart jumps in my chest. I leap forward and catch the side of his face in his face. The backs of my eyes burn with unfallen tears. “It’s okay, I’m here…what’s wrong? Do you need me to get Jason?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “You’re…leaning on my catheter line…”
