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“Yes. You’re doing it. No one else. Fantasizing is another way for you to replace him with yourself. With what happened. It takes away his power, and it gives it to you.”
“Oh. So, there’s nothing wrong with me?”
“Not at all. If anything, I’d suggest doing this exact thing as part of your therapy. I believe it can help you move past the trauma and help substitute it with memories of pleasure. It’s that control I spoke of. Your control. Even if you were to allow someone to tie you, your consent is a form of power. You’re saying yes. Maybe you’re even initiating and welcoming the act. All of this is healthy.”
“Oh.” My eyes lowered to the floor as I processed her assessment. Healthy.
“What about leaving your apartment? Are you getting more comfortable with the idea? You mentioned on the phone it made you nervous.”
“I walked here. I…walked fast, but I made myself face the fear.”
“Good. These are very good steps you’re taking. I want you to keep doing that. Try to force yourself to go out at least once every few days. If you can manage every day, even better.” She looked at her watch. “It seems our time is up. How are you on taking medication? Were you prescribed anything to deal with the anxiety you’re experiencing?”
I stood. “I was, but I’m not interested in a new prescription. I still have plenty. I take them when needed. Thank you for offering.”
“You’re welcome. If you change your mind, call me. I’ll see you next week.”
Nodding, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I didn’t want to think about the mess I had been in when I arrived. I’d almost been sick three times along the way. I was so terrified from being outside my apartment, I almost cancelled and ran back home. What if someone saw me? What if they decided to take me again? Rationality said the odds of that were slim to none, but it happened once. It could happen again.
Ringing had me digging in my purse as I headed for the door of the small office. It was in a house close to downtown. Why hadn’t I found one closer to my apartment?
No Caller ID.
My lids lowered, but I hit the button, bringing it to my ear.
“Hello?”
“If I sent a car to pick you up, would you get in?”
I stopped walking, looking around the busy street. “J?”
“Would you?”
“No.”
“I didn’t think so. I’d ask how the session went, but I’d be pretending not to know. Do you feel better?”
Ease settled over me as I headed in the direction of my apartment. We were back to talking. Or I was. J didn’t answer much, but I knew he was always listening. Hearing him now calmed me. In my nervous state, I almost needed to hear his voice. Maybe he knew that. Maybe that’s why he only talked when I needed it most.
“I think I feel better. Yeah. I guess I do.”
“Good. But why not take the medication?”
“I don’t like pills.”
“Not even if they help you?”
I jogged through the crosswalk, beginning the next block. “Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about your day. What sort of things do you like to do? Have you saved anyone new lately?”
He laughed, making me smile. Why did he sound so familiar to me?
“No one new. My day was full of work stuff. Boring stuff for you, no doubt. I see you’ve been accepted into a few book clubs. How are you liking those?”
“They’re great. You were right. Social media has benefits.”
“I’m always right. I was right with the silk ties, too. You’re sleeping better.”
I slowed, glancing around again. “How did you know? Did you…can you see through my phone too? Did you watch me. Before…like an hour before…
