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“Come swing, Kody. It’ll be fun.”
“Fred? Jase? Stop. Stop!”
“Go swing, Kody.” Another voice behind me. A deep voice I knew all too well. One that made me feel safe. “Tell him you want to go. Let him take you.”
“But I don’t want to.”
Hands. They were pushing as I was pulling. I was getting it from every direction and all I could do was scream and fight them off.
“Shhh. Stop fighting, Kody. I’ll protect you. Go swing.”
I gasped, my eyes flying open as I tried to catch my breath. Jase was propped on his elbow, silently watching and stroking my hair. I grabbed the strap of the cuff, trying to calm myself.
“Who’s Fred?”
“What?”
“You said Fred before you called out to me.”
Blinking, I scoured through the dream, feeling it already beginning to fade.
“My neighbor, growing up. They had an almond orchard. He was trying to get me to swing. He turned into David.” I glanced over. “He kept pulling me, and you were telling me to go. I didn’t want to. I guess it rattled me. I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“You didn’t wake me. I’ve been up for a while. You said I wanted you to go?”
“Yeah.” I turned my head, glancing at the clock to avoid talking anymore about my dream. “It’s already three? In the afternoon?”
“It is. I don’t think I’ve slept this long in years. It was nice. Kody, about your dream.”
Jase reached to brush back my hair, but before I could stop myself, I flinched. The look that flashed across his face was worse than if I’d slapped him. His arm drew back, and for seconds we stared at each other in silence.
Chapter 19
Jase
There was a difference between uncertainty and fear. Uncertainty was redeemable. Fear…that took serious work to overcome. It took dedication. I didn’t mind causing fear in people. During certain times it was needed. Now was not that time. Yet…I did this. I caused that look in the one woman I was trying to protect. She was right; I wasn’t okay. What I was doing couldn’t continue. Not this way.
“Kody, about what’s happening—last night, I should have told you.”
“Yes.”
“The fact that I didn’t.” I stopped myself, searching for the right way to express the colliding emotions. The way Kody was watching me…It wasn’t like me to care what people thought. I did with her. I was attached. I’d been attached from the beginning, and there was no going back from that. “I went there for your computer, and although I got it, I…My motives weren’t completely honorable. Truth is, I’m lost. Since I saw you, I haven’t been okay. Even before, I wasn’t. The last few years have been really hard. I don’t even know myself anymore. The person I am.” Again, I stopped. “I don’t like what I’ve become. Now, you’re afraid of me too? I don’t like that. I’m sorry I added to what you’ve been through. That wasn’t my intention.”
“Jase—”
“You don’t believe me. That’s obvious. I want us to start over. I’ve been thinking about what you said last night. I have some connections in the FBI I work with on occasion when something big goes down. I’ll continue the search, but I’ll anonymously hand over what I find to them. How does that sound?”
“It sounds.” Her walls only grew higher as her gaze left mine. “Are you telling the truth, or are you saying what I want to hear so I don’t leave?”
“I’m being honest. I know it’ll take time for you to trust me again but let me prove myself to you. Okay?”
Skepticism. She wasn’t sure if she could believe me. Last night ruined any trust I’d gained throughout the weeks she’d been released. I screwed up, and now I had to fix my mistake. Not just with her, but perhaps with myself. I couldn’t deny the cravings for alcohol. I’d tried to drown out the past for so long, I didn’t know how to function without being under the influence in some way or another. Even if it was just sipping on a drink here and there, like I had since I’d found her. Sure, I cut down a lot, but it was time to cut it out completely.
Kody lowered her gaze through her thoughts. “I quit doing second chances long ago. Don’t make me regret this. Please.”
“I won’t. You’ll see.” I licked my lips, reaching forward to unfasten the cuff. I slid my fingers up her palm to hook my index finger with hers and I brought her arm towards me. “Are you hungry?”
“Starving.”
