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The first contact sent a jolt of ecstasy down her body. Julie pushed her hips into the bed, somehow thinking it would bring him closer. She needed more, and not just contact.
“I could taste you forever. And now that I’m your boyfriend…” The teasing was evident in his words, but the reality of their situation had Julie’s mind clearer than ever. If she continued to go along with their status, there was no turning back. Taylor would learn what a huge mess she really was and it could ruin them forever. No one wanted to date an alcoholic. “Taylor?”
His eyes were heavy-lidded as he looked up from between her thighs. “Patience, Jules.”
Ugh, that beautiful face was going to haunt her dreams. Julie sat up, closing her legs. The tightening in her stomach returned as she tried to hold in the tears. The fact was, she was sick. An addict, plain and simple. She had no business getting involved with someone until she got clean and sober and was able to maintain her sobriety.
“What’s wrong?” Taylor reached his hand toward her, but Julie quickly got off the bed and grabbed her robe. If she didn’t get him out of here fast, she’d never make it believable. Burning took over her eyes, and all she wanted was to break down and tell him how bad things really were.
“I can’t do this anymore. I think you should go. This whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing has really got me thinking and—”
“Don’t even, Jules. First off, I knew you weren’t really committed to the idea. Don’t get wrapped up with titles. Boyfriend, or lover, whatever you want to call me is fine. Just don’t do what I think you’re going to do. Don’t end a good thing because you got momentarily spooked. I’ve never pressured you to be anything more than what you’ve wanted.”
Julie took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to make this easy. What he spoke was the perfect answer, and more than anything, she wanted to admit he was right and continue with what they were doing, but she couldn’t.
“Taylor…I just can’t.”
His eyes narrowed and he quickly looked away. “It’s Londyn, isn’t it? You want to get back with him?”
Julie was thrown off for a second. She hadn’t expected him to jump to that conclusion. “No, not at all. I mean, I hadn’t really given it much thought.”
“Then what?” Taylor walked over and Julie had to force herself not to take in his body. He softly cupped her cheek, making her look right into his eyes. “Tell me, Julie. Please. I don’t want this to end.”
“You had to know it was going to at some point. Can you seriously tell me that you thought we’d just go on having sex until we were old and gray?” Julie felt herself getting angry. It came from the failure to prevent her addiction, her cowardice, but most of all, it flowed from the pain of losing the only person in her life that she’d become the closest with. Taylor meant more to her than any man ever had. The love she felt for him stretched back to her teenage years. And now she was putting an end to it. At least for now.
Taylor shook his head. “Well, not the way you put it.” He dropped her hand and took a step back. “You pretend what we have is nothing to you, but I know deep down you have to feel a tiny spark of something.”
Multiple expressions played across Taylor’s face as he stood there staring. Julie tried to keep as stone-faced as possible, but she was dying inside. God, she’d never felt so judged in her life. What was he thinking?
A laugh exploded out of his mouth. “You know, Jules, I’ve pretended this whole time that I was okay with no future with you. If I gave you enough space you’d eventually fall in love with me. All the while, I’ve watched you destruct right in front of me. And I never said a word! Do you know how hard that’s been for me? Maybe I’ve been stupid. I thought…” He growled. “That’s what I get for thinking. Like you’d really stop being who you are, for me.”
A tear slid down her cheek and Julie was quick to wipe it away. So many things hit home. A future. How many times had she given it thought? But self-destruct? Was he referring to her partying, the bets, or the fact that she pretty much stayed intoxicated all day and tried her best to hide it? Hell, he probably meant all of it.
Taylor put on his clothes as if the apartment were on fire. Everything inside of her wanted to beg him not to leave.
“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing that came from Julie’s mouth as she watched him slide on his shoes. He walked into the closet and grabbed a handful of suits she had lined up for him to wear to work.
Taylor made his way over and her heart hammered away in her chest. Just wrap your arms around him and tell him you’re in love with him. The words were there, but the actions didn’t follow their command. Although she knew she loved Taylor, a part of her still felt incomplete. It was best that she let it end now so she could get sober and figure out the direction of her life. If it was meant to be, then he’d forgive her in the future. If not…
“I know things probably couldn’t get any more awkward for you, but here.” Taylor reached into one of the suit’s jacket pockets and pulled out a tiny white box. “I bought this last week. I thought I’d hold on to it until maybe the time came where things changed for you. I’ve always viewed you as the one. I thought when we reconnected a few months back that maybe it was a sign.” Taylor pushed the box into Julie’s frozen hand. “I guess I was wrong.”
Julie was in too much shock to move, much less speak. Taylor walked out the door, and still she stood there flabbergasted. Had he just handed her what she thought he had? No, he couldn’t have. Julie took a deep breath as she prepared herself to look.
Chapter 6
Julie walked to her bed and sat down on the edge. For minutes she stared down at her lap. Fear was keeping her from finding out the truth. If she had been sober and not participated in Bets, would the relationship she had with Taylor have been any different? Would she have actually waited an extended amount of time before becoming his lover?
So many thoughts and questions kept going through her head. The truth was she couldn’t change her past or the direction her life had taken once her ex-husband had walked out the door. She was the one who was responsible for her choices. The sooner she decided to correct them, the sooner she could mend things with Taylor and move forward.
Slowly, Julie unclenched her fingers from around the box and opened it. Reflections of the light bounced off the single diamond, centered in the middle of the silver band.
A sob escaped Julie’s mouth and for minutes she couldn’t move.
“I did this. I did this.” Julie stood and placed the opened box on her dresser. Her eyes were glued to what could have been. What might have been. “No more crying. Fix this, Julie. Make it right.”
And she would have, if she could think of where to start. Did she call one of her friends and confess everything? Maybe they could help her? No. All of them were married and had families. Julie began to pace. Maybe she should look into joining rehab or find a twelve-step program.
Knocking pulled Julie out of her thoughts. She set the box down and raced forward before she could process what she was doing.
