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Each step he made to the bathroom was with care. Each foot closer, he eased me in even more. My arm hooked around him, and I only half forced my face into the junction of his neck. This Master, this monster, had my life in his hands. I was his, and he could put an end to me at any moment. From suicidal to empathetic, I hated how my soft side always tried to understand these men. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I had to use him enough to escape and that was it. If I died in the process, or as a result, I’d worry about that then. All I knew was, I could not continue to endure this sort of abuse. Not mentally or physically.
“I’m going to stand you up so I can turn on the water. Okay?”
I nodded, feeling his arms loosen, but I didn’t lower. I barely moved at all.
“Laura, you have to let go of me if you want down.”
“What?”
Sniffling, I pulled back enough to look at him.
“I can’t put you down with you holding on so tightly.”
My gaze went from him to my arms and back to him. My lips pouted, and I was on the verge of crying again, but worse than ever. For the life of me, I couldn’t let go. I wanted to. I wanted to run so far away I’d never be found, but my arms wouldn’t budge. If anything, they were getting tighter.
“Can we stay like this for a minute? Can I…?” Again, I sniffled, pulling myself back to his neck before he could answer. A sob broke through, and his arms hesitantly came back with more strength, holding me. Comforting me. It only had me crying harder and gripping on for dear life. What the hell was wrong with me? Did my subconscious know something I didn’t? Was this my last desperate plea for something I knew he wasn’t capable of giving? I didn’t know this stranger, not really, but he displayed moments of being reasonable.Of being human.
He leaned forward, opening the glass shower door. Where I expected him to put me down, he continued to hold me close as he turned on the water. A shift this way…then that. He pushed down his pants, moving to unbutton his shirt from beneath me. Even though I didn’t budge, he managed to undress while I held on. My Master didn’t even speak or try to pry me away when he stepped under the spray and sat down on the marble bench. For minutes he held onto me, allowing me to cry off and on. The water burned. The soap stung. Maybe he liked bringing me the extra pain, but I was past the point of analyzing it. I was so tired I could barely continue to hold my arms up. They were just as numb as I was, but not numb enough to forget my role. My words right now were more important than ever. This man needed to be in control. He had to be in the right. If I had detected guilt, I needed to play on that bynotplaying on it. Not yet, anyway.
“Forgive me, husband. I was weak. I’m sorry. I was trying so hard to make you happy. I’ll try better next time.”
Silence. His hand paused on my lower back, and his fingers twitched just before leaving me.
“I know you will. Tonight, you need rest. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”
But I wouldn’t. I knew this because I hadn’t felt better today. Or the day before that. Or that. Each one got harder, and tomorrow would no doubt be the worst. I’d be lucky to move or walk at all.
“Can you stand?”
“I think so.”
Sliding his arm under my knees, he spun me enough to have my legs dangling between his. I could have tried to slide down, but again, my arms didn’t want to move. I didn’t understand it. Even as I tried, I didn’t miss the way my Master looked at me. His stare was unmoving, just as I was as I searched his face for an answer. What I got instead was his lips crushing into mine. My Master moaned, and he broke away just as desperate.
“I should kill you right now. I want to. I should put an end to this before…” Fingers fisted in my hair, squeezing with enough force to make strands break free. Still, I held on, sobbing silently through the pain. Kissing him back as he turned me to straddle him. “I’m going to kill you, Laura. You know that.”
I could barely see him through the blinding tears. “I know.”
“You can’t be that stupid. You know I’m going to kill you, yet you cling to death?”
“I have nothing but you. What I cling to is hope. I cling to a prayer. Do you not need something more? Is that not why you’re here with me?I’m your wife.That’s the role you wanted me in.At this very minute, your wife could be creating your child. It could be growing inside of me this very moment. If that truly means nothing to you then maybe you should kill me because I won’t be able to bear losing another. I can’t do it.”
“You’re serious.”
My stare held his, my eyes narrowing through a truth I couldn’t stomach.
“Do you not see me? Do you not feel how hard I’m holding to you? I’m not okay. I’m hurting from more than any cut you could ever give me. I’m done. You’ve had your fun. The risk is there. If me and our child mean nothing to you, just do it now. Kill us both and be done with it because I don’t have the strength to pretend with you. I’m so tired. Just do it.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking. You have no idea who I am.”
My arms loosened enough to let go so my hands could slide up to cup his cheeks. The action had uncertainty flashing on his face. This Master…he was starting to feel something for me. I was almost certain, but I’d never know unless I pushed him. I had to see how far he’d go. I had nothing left to lose. “You’re right, I don’t, but I know who you could be. My husband. A father to our child. We could have that, and we could be happy.”
“And if I don’t want any of that?”
The anger was back, along with any walls he’d momentarily let down. I got closer, holding tighter to his face so he had to see me. Feel every word I spoke.
“Then I guess it was my own wishful thinking. Do what you must. If it’s our death you want,here I am. I’m exhausted from fearing the possibility. I’m ready now. Just get it over with before I find out for sure. I may not be a killer like you, husband, but I will kill for what’s mine.” I paused. “I will kill for what I love.”
“Are you threatening me?”
