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But what keeps me from uttering a sound because saying it out loud would make it real, and making it real is something that can’t be done or I’ll lose everything I have…
I wasn’t careful. I got too close.
And I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen in love.
14
CLARA
Well, I sure as shit don’t know when to shut the hell up.
Except for right now. Right now, I know better. Right now, I know that opening my big mouth to ask Demyen another question is just poking a sleeping bear who already warned me not to get too close.
It’s just that I got excited. Excited and curious. I wanted to see beyond the walls around his heart, and for a brief moment, it was almost like he actually just opened the gate to let me through.
He told me things I never thought he’d ever share. He confided in me.
And then I had to go ask a stupid fucking question.
Is that why you hate women?
The hell did I hope to gain from an answer?
Maybe I just wanted to know why a guy like him was still single. Like, yeah, okay, he’s this big criminal overlord or whatever,but… he’s a gentleman. And he’s so sweet, and funny, and compassionate, and my God, is he incredible with kids. He’s everything I ever wanted for Willow in a father. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted for myself in a partner.
So it’s puzzled me why, with all he’s got going for him, there was no one in his life when I crash-landed in it. Not even a recent ex-girlfriend.
Now, I know.
I kinda wish I didn’t.
I need to apologize to him for bringing it up. Clearly, it’s such a sore subject that now he’s too raw to speak. And that’s my fault. I open my mouth to say sorry, but before I can?—
“Would you really go back to Martin? If he took Willow?”
I blanch. That’s unexpected. But fair, I guess. My turn for the inquisition.
I sigh and settle into the lounger more, staring off into the breathtaking sunset. “Yup. Without question.”
“Why?”
I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly chilly. “I don’t want to. I’ll neverwillinglygo back with him. He’s a disgusting excuse of a man and I can’t believe I ever…” I shiver with disgust at the memory of him touching my skin at all, let alone in places I never wanted him to touch. “But if he takes Willow, to the point that I can’t get her back, I’ll have no choice. I won’t leave her alone with him. I know he’d probably end up killing me, but better me than my baby.”
Demyen’s face twists into a scowl. “Fuck that. You shouldn’t put yourself in danger like that.”
“But I should let Willow take it instead?”
“Of course not.”
“So you understand.”
He settles back, scowling. “Actually, I don’t. I don’t understand how all this with you and Martin even started.”
“And you want to know what horrible series of bad decisions led to where we are now.” I sigh again. “Well, it started when he joined the force. Dad was assigned to be his mentor; I guess at the time, they didn’t think they’d end up as partners or whatever. I don’t know. All I know is, one day, Dad came home with news of his new ‘protégé’ and he told Mom we’re inviting him over for dinner.”
“How old were you?”
At the time, it didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Now, as a mother to a daughter, my stomach turns just saying the number. “Fifteen.”
