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"It's about Chloe, isn't it?" she asks, sitting down in the chair across from my desk and curling her feet up beneath her. It’s the pose of someone who plans to stay a while, who isn’t leaving without answers.
I nod, a heavy sigh escaping me as I finally admit it. There's no point in lying. She knows it.
"Yeah, it is. Ignoring her is tearing me apart, but I thought it was the right thing to do. It’s all I can do, right?"
Sympathy softens her features. "You can't keep doing this to yourself. Chloe is hurting, too, you know. You need to talk to her, sort things out."
My eyes shift away, unable to meet Ella's gaze, the internal battle raging within me. "It's not that simple. There are so many complications. I just can't..."
"I know it's hard, but ignoring each other won't solve anything. She misses you! She’s every bit as miserable and depressed as you are. You need to go and talk to her, figure things out before she decides that this is just her fate, and moves on."
I hesitate, struggling with the words she’s said, and the hope they offer. Chloe's rejection hurt more than any pain I’ve ever felt. It’s not something I’m eager to endure again.
"I can't, Ella. Not now." She sighs and falls back against the seat, groaning in frustration.
"Dad, please. I’m begging you. Don't let pride and fear ruin something good. You love Chloe, and she loves you. Don't let that slip away."
"It is better this way, trust me."
"Okay, I didn’t want to do this. I’m the worst kind of friend for what I’m about to say, but I want to tell you something."
I look at her and slowly lean forward, resting my elbows on the desk. "Dad, there's something you need to know about Chloe. It's about her past–and even her present, too–and it's affecting her deeply."
I look at Ella, alarm bells ringing in my head. Concern seems to cloud my vision for a moment. Something’s wrong with Chloe? How do I fix it?
"What is it, Ella? What's going on with Chloe?"
She takes a deep breath, and I can tell she feels uncertain about telling me this. My mind starts to go to the worst places, entertaining the most horrible thoughts. Finally, she lets out a breath and says, "After Chloe’s father died, Chloe's mom abandoned her."
"What? Why would she do that?"
"I don’t know," she says with a shrug. "But Chloe tried so hard to be perfect, just so her mom would love her. She studied hard, achieved so much, and then finished school at the top of her class… and her mom didn’t even show up at graduating. She lives an hour away, and couldn’t be bothered to come see her. The whole time Chloe was a teenager, she had nobody to care about her, guide her, and help her make good decisions. Her mom would leave for weeks at a time, sometimes months. And when she was there, she literally didn’t talk to Chloe. And she has never gotten over it. She fears it’s because she’s unworthy of love, and that people are leaving her when she needs them the most."
The weight of those words settles heavily on my shoulders, and I feel sorry for her.
"Dad, she's scared. Scared that even though you proposed to her, in time, you'll abandon her just like her mom did. I mean, if a mother can turn her back on her child after raising her for so many years, then what chance does a guy have in keeping his promise to her? That's why she's staying away. It’s not that she doesn’t love you. I think she doesn’t love herself."
The room is swallowed by a heavy silence as I absorb Ella’s words. How could I have missed this? The woman I love has been carrying the weight of her past, and I was oblivious to the battles she was still fighting. And to think that I never even asked her about her family. God, I’m so damn selfish!
"Why didn't she tell me?" I countered, trying to believe this story couldn’t be true. No one could despise Chloe that much, least of all her mother. My abandonment of Ella for all those years comes back to haunt me, and I’m burning with guilt all over again.
"These wounds run deep, Dad. Opening up is hard for her. But she loves you, and she's terrified of getting hurt again."
"I would never hurt her."
"I know that, but she doesn’t. You have to find a way to convince her. She is hurting badly, and it’s unhealthy for the baby. It’s unhealthy for the two of you as well."
A surge of emotion swells within me, a mix of guilt both for not knowing and not asking. But it does explain why she suddenly changed her heart after she professed her love to me.
"I’m a jerk." The realization is like a ton of bricks sitting on my chest. Ella's eyes soften with a reassuring warmth.
"Dad, you’re not a jerk. You just didn’t know. Besides, you were fighting your demons, too."
"Is it too late to fix this? How do I fix it?" I ask, ignoring the desperation that’s trying to blind me.
"You have to go to her. Reassure her. Show her that you're here for the long run, that you won't abandon her. Your actions will speak louder than any words. She needs to know she's worthy of love and won't be left alone again. Ever."
I nod, a renewed sense of purpose taking root, but I still can’t ignore the fear that she’ll reject me again.
