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We allowed ourselves only an hour of rest before we forced each other back to our feet and continued the trudge east, having learned our lesson about staying still for too long. I was no stranger to lack of sleep – as a prince, I had many responsibilities and there were only a limited number of hours in the day – but when added to the painful gnawing of hunger in our stomachs, the itch of the dried river mud on our skin, and the army of mosquitoes whose leader had apparently joined Navar in declaring us enemies of the state, it was hard to find my normal upbeat cheer. Those first few days on the road now seemed idyllic compared to our current conditions, and when one found themselves wistfully daydreaming about even that horrendous inn food, one realised quite how far one had fallen.
I might have imagined this to be hell, and that I’d died in the wagon with grimy water pouring into my lungs as I strained at a chain that was never going to give, if it wasn’t for the man enduring it all with me. Brilliant, passionate Mathias, and his iron-willed determination thrown at whatever he put his mind to. Hell would never be so kind as to allow him near me, let alone permit me to indulge in the soothing comfort of his presence that was like sunlight and silk sheets and the smell of warm bread all rolled into one.
There was just enough length in the chain for us to walk comfortably side by side, but we’d quickly learned that holding hands as we travelled helped to prevent those awkward, painful moments where we tried to move in different directions to navigate a tree or patch of mud in our path. Awkwardness that I had perhaps manufactured, as I liked having his hand in mine. I liked being able to touch him at all times, to feel his warmth and solidness beneath my fingertips, and maybe I was being a sentimental, soppy fucker right now but when he was the only thing keeping my feet moving, I was bloody well treating myself to as much of him as I could.
Neither of us seemed to want to speak of it out loud, but whenever our conversation veered in the direction of what had happened last night, we squeezed each other’s fingers in a silent acknowledgement of how close we’d come to dying. And then we returned to what we did best: unnecessarily bitching at each other.
Really, it was amazing how it made the miles pass beneath our aching feet. Even exhausted as he was, Mathias’ wit never faltered, and it invigorated my own heckling long past the point where I might have descended into brooding silence. The teasing banter weaved its way through our discussions about childhood adventures, favourite foods, the importance of theological influence in monarchical power structures, and a rather heated argument when we hit our third round offuck, marry, kill.
“Ren,” he spluttered, shaking his head, “she’s my sister. I’m not going to marryorfuck Mila.”
“So you’d kill her?” I asked dubiously. “That seems like a terrible choice. Not only would she be the hardest to murder, but it means you end up having to fuck Dr. Sánchez or Viento.”
Mat groaned. “Who said you could include a horse in this game, anyway?”
“My rules, darling. Just like the rule where if you don’t give me a final answer before we reach that big tree over there, you have to carry me for the next two miles.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Fine. Kill Mila half a second before she dies peacefully in her sleep because otherwise it’s my ass that would be getting murdered, marry Viento – because the game means you don’t have sex with your spouse, right? – and then close my eyes and get it over with…with Dr. Sánchez.” He shuddered, and my laughter echoed through the woods.
“Now there’s a sight I’ll have in my head for a long time,” I mused.
“Urgh. I don’t envy you that.”
“No, I meant you and Viento,mi amor.Your face as you walk down the aisle with him.Hisface. I’m not sure which of you would look more pissed off.”
“Well, I have to try to kill Mila first. Maybe she’d put me out of my misery before I could endure the unendurable fate of being married to a horse and…nope, I’m not going to say the other thing again. Once was enough.” Mat paused, and I glanced in his direction to catch him looking ponderous. “Your turn. Luis, Valeri, and Aksinia.”
My guard, my future brother-in-law slash maybe enemy, and the crazy Temarian seer? Easy.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
My lover gave a long, drawn-out sigh. “That’s not how this works.”
“It is now,” I told him. “My rules. Nat…”
“I am neither marrying, killing, nor fucking myself,” he said flatly.
“The latter I can and will make happen. But I was going to say that I was wrong, before. I’m actually…”
When I trailed off, Mathias cheerfully filled in the silence for me, insolent brat that he was. “An irritating, entitled prick with no sense of boundaries?”
“Oh no,” I said. “I’ve always been all that. But I’m also glad you’re with me, even though I know I shouldn’t be. I know I should want you safe and far away from all of this, but I don’t think my heart could take being alone.”
He brushed a kiss against my cheek, his mouth bumping clumsily against my skin as we walked. “It is a rather squishy, cuddly heart once you get to know it.”
I scowled. “When I’m king, I shall have you executed for such heinous slander.”
He snorted.
“We were also wrong about something else,” I said softly, and before he could offer up some nonsense to that too, I added, “and that’s about being shit at this. Because we’re still alive, Mat. It’s been nearly two weeks since we escaped the palace from under Navar and Welzes’ damn noses, and we’restill alive.”
Blue-grey eyes met mine and then darted away again, not lit by his usual indomitable fire but steeped in anguish and reservation. Mathias slid his hand free and dropped his head, mumbling something incomprehensible to the ground. Oh, fuck him for not being immediately and irrevocably convinced by my little motivational speech. We’d even been all mature and responsible and shit by not having sex earlier, andthiswas how he repaid such noble sacrifice on my part? By blaming himself for what had happened yesterday?
I gave a hard tug on the chain between us, as I had been doing each time he tried to sink into that morose self-reproach of his. The filthy look I received in return was Totally Worth It, because when he was irritated at me, he wasn’t angry at himself. Anger that was entirely fucking ludicrous: why would it behisfault that my country was hunting me and had come far too close to catching us? I was capable of making my own bad decisions, thank you very much, and that had included dragging us to an inn each night…when if I’d stopped and thought about it beyond the desire for a bed and warm meal, I’d have known it was just asking for trouble. Yet if I tried telling the idiot northerner that he wasn’t at fault, he’d become even more convinced that the opposite was true, stubborn fucker that he was.
I yanked at the shackles again, towing Mat forward where he’d begun to trail behind. He made another of those cute, incensed noises of protest, and I glanced around to find he’d curled his fingers around a length of the chain, ready to pull back against me in turn.
I raised an eyebrow. “Go ahead and try it, Nathanael,” I said sweetly. “And see where it gets you.”
