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And then I followed Mathias outside.
*
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I dug my fingers into the snow that had piled up on the low stone wall where I was sitting, hoping the tingling cold would distract me from all the emotions that swirled around inside, hot and turbulent. But although the discomfort began to turn painful, it still wasn’t enough to stop my mind returning tohim.Because even the hurt reminded me of Ren.
He always took care of my pain, delivering the right type in the right amount and then soothing it away afterwards, never letting it damage me but instead building me back up stronger than before.
But I wasn’t strong. I was fucking dependent on Ren, on his laughter and little gentle touches and the way he spun and danced through life, buoyed with confidence and excitement andrightness.He’d shown me far more of the world than I’d ever realised existed.
I couldn’t go on without him.
Icouldn’t…but I had to. Our relationship was no longer just a daringfuck youto societal norms: it would cost us continental peace.
I sighed, pulling my hand from the snow and sticking it in my pocket to warm the chilled skin. This had always been my favourite place to escape court life for a while, the raised garden bed I was seated on home to a dazzling array of snowdrops which stubbornly clung to life despite the freezing temperatures. Their drooping, upside-down petals emanated a beautiful, quiet sadness that resonated with me, now more than ever.
“You’re in my spot.”
I raised my head to find my lover with his hands on his hips and snowflakes nestled in his black hair, one perfectly groomed eyebrow raised expectantly. He shooed me to the side and I obligingly shuffled over, snow dampening the seat of my trousers while he sat down on the drier section of the wall I’d already cleared.
“How did you find me?” I asked. I was in a part of the gardens that couldn’t be seen from the castle, and I’d dodged the guard sent to follow me.
“Mathias Grachyov,” said Ren. “The annoying one who insists on using your name even though he should just accept it suits you better and get another one. Ran into him and he said if you were anywhere, you’d be here.”
I heaved out a breath. “I’m surprised he answered so forthrightly.”
But my joke about the lord’s infamous circumlocution fell flat, my voice dull, even though I knew I should be treasuring these last moments of banter while I could still pretend my world hadn’t just imploded around me.
“Well,” Ren said, screwing up his face and clearly not ready to stop pretending himself, “maybe the man’s vocabulary disappeared with his parents.”
“Ren,” I chided. “That’s not funny. His father was executed.”
“And his mother.”
“What?”
“Mmm,” said my prince sagely. “Heard it from one of the guards. Both were found guilty of treason and Panarina had them…” He drew a finger across his throat and made an odd choking noise that could have as easily meant decapitation as a hanging. Not that it mattered.
“Poor Mathias.” My heart went out to him and what he must be going through: not just losing his family but having everyone in the court know what they’d done. Did they think him a traitor too? Had he had his lands stripped from him?
“I should repay him for the horses we stole,” I muttered, aware I was freaking out but unable to stop it. “And the chicken, and the potatoes. And I should see if he wants to-”
Ren put his hands over mine and pulled them onto his lap. “Nat. You’re not doing any of that. Didn’t he bully you as a child?”
I scowled. “So that means I should treat him like shit?”
My prince muttered a hasty prayer to Dios, rolling his eyes at me. “You can’t save everyone,mi amor.”
I swallowed, knowing we couldn’t avoid Astrid’s marriage proposal forever.
“Speaking of…”
“Speaking of,” he repeated, blithely cutting off the words as if they formed a whole sentence. “Aren’t you cold? May I take you inside andthoroughlywarm you up?”
I pulled my hands free of his, and he sulked.
“Ren,” I said. “We shouldn’t…we shouldn’t make this more difficult for ourselves.”
