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Recap of the main series
Ren: Mathias is sulking, so it seems I’ll be doing this one on my own.
Mat:(indignant)I’m not sulking! I just...I thought we were done with these fucking recaps.
Ren: Oh, poor baby.
Mat: I don’t like having to remind them about all the terrible shit that happened to us, okay?
Ren: And what about thegoodshit that happened to us,mi amor?
Mat: Well there’s that, I suppose.
Ren:(dryly, after a long pause)…you’re showing real enthusiasm there, husband.
Mat: Ohh!(perks up hopefully)Can we start with the wedding?
Ren: Only if you’re prepared to describe to all these lovely readers – in vivid detail–how we consummated our marriage.
Mat: You know what? Probably better to start at the beginning. Are broad strokes okay?
Ren: Do you know how many innuendoes I could turn that question into? Try to make it hardfor menext time.
Mat:(ignoring Ren and his salacious eyebrow waggling)So there I was in a northern monastery, minding my own business-
Ren: Also known as being an interfering little shit.
Mat: -and got captured by this prick for no reason-
Ren: Because you’d hidden my real kidnapping target, Princess Astrid Panarina, and put your own unfairly attractive ass in the path of the men sent to retrieve her.
Mat: -which meant I had to put up with mosquitoes, dry heat, and a profligate southern prince for the next several months.
Ren: Oh, because you were so hard done by that you chose to spend the rest of your life with us,profligatenessand all.
Mat: I thought we weren’t allowed to talk about us getting married?
Ren: Talk about it all you like. I just said it comes with strings…specifically, the rope kind. Oh, and just checking before you try to use it against me later: ‘profligate’ means shamelessly immoral and extravagantly,wildly,dissolute, right?
Mat: Yes.
Ren:(preens)It’sperfect,darling.
Mat:(mutters under his breath)But my preferred definition is ‘Renato Aratorre’.
Ren: That’s hardly appropriate.
Mat: Are you just going to keep repeating the word ‘hard’ until I comment on it?
Ren: Well, you did miss such a glorious pun the first time I said it.
Mat: Nope, I was just ignoring you. Where were we?
Ren: Eh…I’m finding it hard to remember.
Mat:(glowers)I don’t know how I’ve put up with you for so long. Ireallydon’t know why I saved your life so often.
Ren: Because you fell in love with me the first time we met,obviously. Through all our trials and tribulations, includingthe fun parts where I nearly succeeded in taking your brother hostage, revealed to everyone that you were an enemy prince and blew that whole hidden identity thing you had going on, and snuck you out of the palace so you could flee back north. Which, you know, youdidn’t,so don’t go whining to me when it was you who came back.
