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I crack. “I know. I know. We agreed to be open with each other. I’m doing a shitty job. Just promise me you won’t see this as me asking for anything.”
His hand covers mine and I stop talking. “You can ask me. For anything. I’d like you to ask me if there’s anything you need. I mean it, Tamsin. But tell me what you feel comfortable with. I will wait until you’re ready.”
I gaze down into my fruit and push a piece of melon across my plate. “Last year my grandma died,” I begin. “I had lived with her since I was a little girl. My parents died when I was younger. It was just Gran and me. Well, Gran and Missy and me.”
“Missy is your cat?”
I nod. “She was Gran’s cat really. She used to bite me every time I tried to pat her when Gran was still alive. But now it’s just the two of us, she had to accept me.” I laugh, brushing a stray tear away from my cheek. I haven’t thought about Gran for a couple months now. I’d been doing well. Now I wonder if I’ve just been pushing the feelings down somewhere below the surface and they’ve somehow multiplied.
“We had to move out of her house. Me and Missy,” I explain, as if Erserro might think I was talking about Gran’s ghost or something. “I couldn’t afford the rent without Gran’s pension. She didn’t have much and what she left me didn’t cover it either.”
His mouth goes all tight, the lips thinning as he presses them together.
“But what she did have was years worth of possessions. And after she died, I couldn’t go through all of them. Every single one reminded me about something I loved. Something I missed. I had to move, but my new apartment didn’t have room for everything and I couldn’t face bringing it with me. So I put it all into boxes and put it into storage. I told myself I’d use the money she left me to buy a little time until I was brave enough—” I stop, unable to continue.
Erserro’s tail slides around my ankle and I find it oddly comforting.
I take in a long breath. “And now...”
He nods. “It’s still there, waiting to be dealt with.”
I nod. “It is. And I should have had the money this month, only...” I look away, even though I can’t see his eyes. “Only I spent it.”
“On what?” He frowns.
I bite my lip. “Clothes. Shoes. Bags. It might be a bit of a problem.” I wince. It’s always been my way of coping. I buythings. Things hold happy memories. And if one thing doesn’t work, then maybe lots of things will make enough happy memories.
“Ah.” Erserro sighs. “I wish you had told me sooner. I can buy you time, of course. As much as you need, but I think you should consider a different approach.”
“You mean...?”
“Going through the things. Yes. I do.”
There’s a long pause. I remember the cold cellar and the statue of someone he loved and lost. Not just a statue, a body, I suppose.
If he can face that, I can face a few moth-eaten clothes.
I really, really hope moths haven’t gotten to them.
“You’re right. I should do it. Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Come with me? I can’t do it alone.”
“Of course.”
The smell hits me first. It’s sweet and floral, like the perfume she used to wear, coupled with a dusty, musty smell that’s not hers. I hesitate in the doorway. If I go further, will it somehow lock in the memories of her poor withered face? Will they finally replace the flickering images I can sometimes recall of a younger, happier, smiling Gran?
Drawing in a deep breath, I take in her smell and the images I see in my mind’s eye are good ones.
Erserro presses a gentle hand to the small of my back. “Are you OK?”
I force my shoulders down. “Yes.”
I step fully inside the storage unit. There’s just enough room in here that Erserro can squeeze in behind me, but he has to stand pressing up against me to fit.
I don’t mind it.
