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My baby was struggling to hear.
He was also dealing with some other stuff, likely from his close calls overseas. Neither of them deterred me from wanting to be with him. If anything, I felt more inclined to be his Daddy.
Ashley needed me. He needed my love and support. I would take care of him, making sure he got the help he needed. And when we weren’t around others, I’d take care of him in more intimate ways.
Knowing he was probably beating himself up for his reaction, I kneeled in front of where he’d bowed his head to get his attention. When he looked up, I felt like tearing the fucking world apart.
He was hurting. My baby was hurting, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
With his eyes on me, I spoke where he could see. “I’m not upset, baby. I’m a little worried, sure, but I’m not scared or anything. I startled you. Next time I’ll know better. You don’t need to fret over it.”
“I could have hurt you though. I’ve heard stories of other guys losing their cool. It wasn’t supposed to be me though. I was supposed to come here and be fine. Everything was going to be ok if I just made it to the ranch.”
His words broke at the end as he tucked his head to his chest. I scooted forward, wrapping my arms around his big frame as best I could.
Leaning to meet the ear he’d directed me to before, I whispered softly, “It’s going to be ok. Daddy is here, and I’m going to take care of everything. You’re going to have everything you’ve ever wanted, Ashley. I can promise you that. Don’t let one small moment make you lose hope.”
I kept speaking as his shoulders lost some of their tightness. Inch by inch, his body became less of a ticking time bomb and more like the man who’d nervously approached me earlier in the day.
“There we go,” I said once he pulled back. “We need to head down to the bunkhouse to get more sleep. The guys are on their way —“
The sound of trucks pulling up outside told me the guys were already back. Ashley pulled back and stood quickly at the noise. He faced me with a question in his eyes.
I knew what he wanted to know. Could we tell them about us yet? What he didn’t understand was that they’d likely already put it together. Hell, I’m sure they gossiped about us while they were gone when they didn’t want to wallow over Gerald anymore.
“They know we’re together but not the rest. How could they when we only just decided?” I teased another blush from him.
“Do we tell them, or do you not want to?” Ashley asked, as if he already knew the answer.
Truth of the matter was that he probably did. I’d consistently said the guys wouldn’t believe me to be a Daddy in the letters I sent him. It was a fact I’d perpetuated with my goofy personality.
But I didn’t know if I could keep the ruse up anymore with my boy around. I had already slipped on the phone with Atticus. He’d noticed right away. It was only a matter of time before the others picked up on it.
The guys were so wornout that they didn’t question the way Ashley clung to me. Atticus and Sean went into the main house to rest while the rest of us split up to head to our own beds.
In the bunkhouse, I walked my boy right into my room. I tucked his bag into the chair in the corner, then I went about getting us ready for bed.
Whether it was exhaustion or his docile mood, Ashley didn’t fight me one bit as I undressed him. I kept his underwear in place since I needed his explicit permission to go further, and my sweet baby wasn’t up to the task. He’d gone into some type of safe place to protect himself. I wouldn’t be getting any answers from him until he’d rested.
“Come on, baby. Climb in bed. We need to get some sleep.” I tapped his bottom to urge him forward.
He moved robotically, his arms and legs operating on autopilot as he shifted under the blanket I had raised. Once he was curled up on his side, I laid the blanket down and moved to turn off the light.
The minute I flicked the switch, the room fell into darkness. I heard what sounded like a whimper come from where I’d left Ashley. With quick thinking movements, I went over to the nightstand and turned on the lamp I had there.
As the light flickered on, I saw the bewildered expression on my boy’s face. He was nearing panic again in just those few seconds.
How long had he been suffering through this fear? Had it been there with him in the military, or was this only new in his civilian life?
I would have to wait for my answers another time. My baby needed me to reassure him instead of playing interrogator.
“Shhh. I’ve got you. The light stays on from here on out,” I said as I rubbed my hand along his back.
He didn’t acknowledge me outside of scooting closer on the bed. I was thankful to have a queen at this point. My boy barely fit with how large he was, but we’d make do. At least for now. If he wanted to continue this long term like I'd hoped, then we’d make a plan to go bigger so the two of us could sleep comfortably every night.
I stayed awake watching him for longer than I should have. It was hard to allow myself to fall asleep. I didn’t want to wake up to find him gone. It would be the most realistic dream I’d had yet if I found myself alone in the morning.
When sleep finally did claim me, I held onto Ashley so tightly, I knew there was no way he could extract himself without my knowing. That one bit of confidence gave me the peace needed to let go.
