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When I look down, I don’t see some random face. I see a familiar one, framed by blonde hair. I take a deep breath, staring at the dusting of freckles scattered over her nose and under her eyes. I’ve counted them a ton of times like a total creeper, and it’s then that I know I didn’t do anything stupid.
Because there’s no way in hell I would have fucked Lilly last night and not remember it. The memory of being with her is something that would be tattooed into my mind forever.
She’s sleeping softly, her head on my chest and my arm wrapped around her waist. In this moment, everything feels right in the world. I forget about the fact that she can’t stand to be around me, that even looking at me hurts her. I forget about my past and my issues, which are preventing me from being with this amazing woman.
At this moment, it’s just me and her. So, like a creep, I just watch her sleep. I don’t care if I’m late for practice, hell, I don’t care if I miss it completely.
It’s like when your pet comes and cuddles with you. You're stuck there, unable to move for any reason because you would be a monster for disturbing their cuteness.
Only in this situation, I would be an idiot for fucking up this small bit of time I have with her. You would have to pry my cold, dead body away right now.
Bishop stayed at the hockey house last night, and I walked my drunk ass home, mumbling to myself like a crazy person about how horrible of a man I am.
I know I don’t have the right to feel sorry for myself, but it’s really fucking hard not to feel like a bag of shit and a crappy human with everything going on.
I smile down at my sleeping beauty. Her lips are parted, sending soft breaths of air skating across my chest. Her hand is on my abs, right above the waistline of my sleep shorts. I pray she doesn’t move her hand any lower because it’s not just morning wood that has me hard. I’m fucked up, I know it. But I can’t stop thinking of that kiss and of her grinding against me until we both came apart.
I love this woman more than anything in this world. She is my whole heart. And I’ve fucked it all up. She wants me and god, knowing that is everything.
But a part of me wishes the feelings were one-sided and she only thought of me as a friend; it might hurt a little less knowing I was the only one in pain.
I’m hurting her, and that's the last thing I ever wanted to do. Yet that's all I seem to be able to do.
At first, I told myself I was protecting her by keeping us apart. That I was giving her a chance at a normal life with a man who could give her the world. A life without any judgmental whispers and people turning her into a pariah. A chance to be with a man who doesn’t have so many secrets, who’s not fucked in the head like I am. Someone who doesn’t have anger issues and could lose their shit at the drop of a hat.
Someone who isn’t me.
But when I think of her with another man, it makes me fucking feral, like I want to beat them to a bloody pulp, proving to myself even more that I’m not good for her.
Lilly is so damn kind and loving; she’s smart and funny. She’s fucking everything, the whole package, and I’d just bring her down. I’d snuff out her light. Maybe not now, but eventually.
Right now, however, I’m going to be selfish and pretend for just a moment that Lilly is my girl. I mean, she is, she always will be, but not completely.
Slowly, my eyes take her in, committing everything to memory. Would it be weird to grab my phone and take a photo, so that I can look back on it later when life gets too hard?
Yeah, okay, that’s fucking creepy; I won’t do that.
We stay like this for a long time. Her sleeping, me watching and enjoying the small amount of time I’m not hurting.
After a while, my hand itches to touch her. Using my free hand, I reach up and run my thumb against her lower lip. On instinct, her tongue darts out, licking across where I’d just touched, then over the tip of my thumb.
My fucking cock twitches, and I hold back a groan as she snuggles deeper into me. Looking over at the clock, I see that it’s five thirty. I need to be at practice in a half hour.
This isn’t the first time I’ve found Lilly in bed with me. Bishop has told me she’s come in before during my nightmares and was able to settle me down.
She seems to be the only one who can do that. I know about the times she would come into my bed when I would sleep over at the house. A few times I’d wake up in the middle of the night and would assume it was because she just wanted things to be like old times. And just like now, I took the opportunity to hold her in the way my soul is aching to.
I’m not sure how I feel when it comes to her knowing about the nightmares, though.
I’m about to say fuck it and go back to sleep so this can last longer when Lilly moves again, and then her head pops up.
“Morning,” the word comes out at the end of a sleepy yawn.
She looks up at me, recognition taking over her face as her eyes go wide. She goes to move away from me, but my arm wraps around her, holding her to me. I’m not ready for her to leave. I’m not ready to let this go, to let her go. I don’t think I ever will be.
“Morning,” I reply, and an adorable blush takes over her cheeks.
I won’t draw attention to why she’s in my arms, or even the fact that she is. I don’t want to spook her, to put any pressure on her.
