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With nothing but the clothes on my body, I book a room for the night.
The room has a queen bed, a dresser with an older model TV on it, and a bedside table with a lamp.
It’s good enough for me to sleep in. Tossing my keys, phone, and wallet on the dresser, I head for the bathroom. Thankfully, the towels are clean enough.
Stripping out of my clothes, I turn the hot water tap on so hot that it burns to the touch. I shower, scrubbing so hard my skin turns a bright shade of red. Or maybe it’s from the heat of the water. I hardly register the pain. My eyes drop to my dick and a wave of nausea hits me hard. I swallow down the bile as I scrub the blood from my dick.
I hate myself for what I did. For causing her pain, making her cry. “Fuck!” I roar, smashing my fist so hard into the shower tile it cracks. Blood flows from the fresh cuts on my knuckles. Drip, drip, drip. I watch as the blood trickles down my fingers, falling into the porcelain tub before running down the drain.
After rinsing my hand the best I can, I get out and wrap it with one of the white towels, not caring if I’m ruining it.
Like a zombie, I get dressed again and crawl into the bed.
I’m sure there are a ton of people trying to get a hold of me right now, but I don’t touch my phone. I just close my eyes, letting the numbness take over.
I’M DRUNK AND IN A pissy mood. That's why I’m going on this walk because at this point I’m just looking for a fight.
Bishop is keeping an eye on Lilly, it’s the only reason I feel safe enough to leave her at the party.
Why did she have to dance with that guy? She came to the party with me.
God, I’m so fucking messed up. She’s my stepsister, she has every right to flirt with guys. She’s sixteen. I’m eighteen, going on nineteen. It’s my last year before I head off to SVU and leave her behind. The thought makes my stomach roll. I don’t like the idea of being away from Lilly for more than a day.
Sure, I’ll be home every weekend for family supper, but she’s going to be in school, living her life with her friends, meeting boys, and moving on.
While I’ll be at SVU, playing hockey and trying not to drown without her.
I’m off my meds again. I know I shouldn’t be but the side effects make me feel like a fucking zombie. I never have the energy to do anything, to go to school, to play hockey, nothing. And most of the time I feel too nauseous to eat anything.
My parents don’t know I’ve stopped taking them, but I don’t plan on staying off for long. I just need a break. Once hockey is done, I’ll go back on them.
Why do I have to fucking be Bipolar anyways? Why can’t I just be normal?
Lilly still doesn’t know. It’s been years since I was diagnosed.
When I found out, I begged my parents to keep it between us. I didn’t want her to know. I hate lying to her, but I couldn’t risk her thinking of me differently. To think I’m broken or damaged. I wasn’t going to allow anything to come between us, even myself.
Plus, I’ve been fine with my meds. You can’t even tell, not unless you're looking for it. And with her not being aware, she doesn’t know the signs to look for.
That's one of the things I’m afraid of her finding out. If she knew, would she wonder if every choice I made was me, or because of my disorder controlling my actions?
My parents didn’t like the idea of keeping it from her, but they ultimately agreed because it was my life, my choice.
My symptoms are mild for the most part. It’s not like I’m out of control or anything.
And I know when to step back, to take a breath. Like tonight, I could have ripped the fucker off Lilly and beat him to a bloody pulp, but I didn’t. I stayed in control.
But I had to leave, just to be safe.
“Fuck,” I mutter as I stumble upon a group of people in the woods drinking. I’m about to turn around when one of the fuckers shouts.
“Hey, Munro. What are you doing out here?” It’s Tod. I fucking hate that BVH scum. He and his buddies are from the town south of Silver Valley called Bridge View. It’s what you might call the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks kind of town. But Tod Rodrick? Yeah, he’s one of the biggest pieces of scum. He hit on Lilly one time, she turned him down. and he didn’t like it. He tried to get in her face so I smashed in his. He’s had it out for me ever since.
Every now and then, they venture their way to one of our parties, depending on who's throwing it and where. Lucky me, they’re here now.
Planning on ignoring him, I keep walking away, but then he opens his fucking mouth again and I pause.
“Shouldn’t you be back at the party fucking your little sister?” he laughs like a hyena. “Keep it in the family, isn’t that your motto?”
