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I nod slowly, not wanting to lie to her. “I found out around senior year.” Guilt hits me. That was a big moment in Toby’s life, and I’m honestly surprised they were all able to keep something so major from Lilly. Toby shouldn’t feel ashamed of having Bipolar disorder, it’s not something he asked for. It doesn’t change the fact that we all love him and want to see him healthy.
I’ve been beating myself up because I didn’t see it sooner. I know he’s been avoiding his parents, so I’m guessing they’ve been wanting to talk to him about it. I’ve been spending so much time with Lilly, I didn’t see the warning signs of an impending episode sooner. I thought he was just beating himself up over everything with Lilly.
“And I’m guessing you're not going to tell me?”
“Unlike your parents, I don’t plan on keeping it to myself. If he doesn’t tell you today, I will.”
“Really?” she asks, tears making her eyes glassy. I hate seeing her upset. It was so hard to keep it together last night, but I know she needed me, and I had to be there for her no matter what. But seeing that devastated look in her eyes, it crushes me.
“I don’t agree with keeping you in the dark if it’s only going to hurt you.”
“I don’t want to push or pry. I just feel...” She closes her eyes and the tears roll down her cheeks. “I thought we were closer than him keeping secrets. Why did he think he couldn’t trust me?”
“It’s not that, I can tell you that with absolute certainty. He was afraid of you looking at him differently and that you’d end up hating him. In his mind, that's the worst thing possible.”
“So he treated me like I didn’t exist for two years? I sure as hell did think of him differently after that. I don’t hate him, but if he keeps pushing me, I just might. But I don’t want to.”
“Shh.” I pull her into my arms. “Let’s not think about that right now. Come on, eat first then worry, okay?”
She nods. We both slip into sweatpants and hoodies and head into the house.
Stepping into the kitchen, we both come to a halt. Toby is sitting at the island with all of the parents standing in various spots around him.
He looks over at us, mostly at Lilly, and his whole face crumbles. His eyes shine with tears and fuck, I’ve never seen my best friend look so broken. “Lilly.” The way he says her name is a sucker punch to the gut. He never meant to hurt her, he just doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore.
“We’ll let you guys talk,” Ellie offers, kissing the top of Toby’s head. “I’m so proud of you for asking for help.” Her eyes are red rimmed as she gives him a watery smile.
Toby nods but looks Lilly’s way again. I step in front of her, blocking his view, and look down at her. She blinks up at me, her face a mixture of emotions. “Are you okay with talking to him?”
“Will you stay with me?”
“Of course,” my response comes out instant and as a hard growl.
She nods her head. “We need to talk. No more secrets.” She gives a pointed look at Toby.
“Agreed.” I nod. “Outside?”
“Yeah.” she answers.
“Give me a moment, we will meet you out there.”
“Don’t kill him, okay?” she asks, chewing on her bottom lip.
“Can’t make any promises.” I want to kiss her, but this isn’t how I want Toby to find out about us. He’s too unstable right now.
She turns around and heads back outside.
Turning around, I walk over to Toby. He finally turns his attention away from Lilly to look at me. He doesn’t get a word out before I’m cocking my fist back and driving it into his face. He lets out a grunt as he falls backward off the stool, his ass hitting the ground hard. Grabbing him by the shirt, I pull him to his feet, and shove him against the fridge.
“I deserved that,” he groans as he covers his bleeding nose with his hand.
“You deserve a hell of a lot more,” I spit, my heart torn over everything that’s happened. “I love you, man. You’re my best friend, my fucking brother. But the shit you’ve done to Lilly?” I lower my voice in case people might be around. “Taking her fucking virginity and then running? That’s where I draw the fucking line.”
“I didn’t know she was still a virgin. But that doesn’t excuse my behavior, I know. I freaked, man. I was rough with her, I lost control. I thought I hurt her, I thought I was a monster.”
“Did Lilly call you any of that?”
“No.” He shakes his head.
