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“Then how about you let her make her own decisions before you assume shit? Do I like how things went down between you two? No. But from what Lilly told me, she enjoyed it, she wanted it. You didn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. It was your running and breaking her heart, again, that crushed her.”
“I know, man.” He lets out a broken sob. “I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t mean to. I never mean to. It’s just... fuck!” I let go of him, and he grabs a handful of his hair. “My head, it’s messed up. I don’t mean to do the things I do. I fucked up bad, and I hate myself for it. I don’t want to be like this anymore, Bishop. I don’t want to hurt, to feel so confused, to be in a rage all the fucking time. I’m back on my meds, I took them this morning.”
He sniffles, and the back of my eyes burn. I pull him in for a hug, and he grabs onto me, holding me so damn tight.
I hold my best friend while he sobs. The man who’s dealt with so much and who continues to do so.
“You need to tell her. Everything. Right now. No more secrets between you two.”
“I know,” he sighs, pulling back. “Fuck. I got blood all over you.”
“It’s a black shirt, it’s fine.” I go over to the sink and grab a clean rag and wet it before handing it over to him.
“Come on. Let’s go talk to our girl.” When we turn around, Lilly is standing by the back door, tears streaming down her face.
We slowly approach her and when we stop, Lilly launches herself at Toby.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Little Flower. For everything. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“Then tell me what's going on. Please.”
We head outside and Lilly takes a seat on one deck chair, Toby on the one across from her, while I stand back, watching over them as I lean against the pillar.
“Where do I start?” He lets out a heavy, shaky breath. “I have Bipolar Disorder. I was diagnosed around thirteen. I started taking medication for it, and it was almost like I didn’t have it. It worked really well, for the most part.”
“What?” Lilly sucks in a shock breath. “Toby, that's huge, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t I know?”
“Because I asked our parents not to tell you. I didn’t want to risk you seeing me differently.” He removes the bloody towel from his nose. I feel a little guilty for hitting him, but also not because he deserved it. “I didn’t want you to be afraid of me, to see me as a monster. And before you say you wouldn’t have, back then I was conflicted. The more I researched what I had, the more I saw how the knowledge of it could affect people's relationships. And I couldn’t risk it. I asked them not to say anything unless I posed a threat to you.”
She scrubs her face with her hand. “And this is why you’ve been the way you have been since I’ve gotten to school? For the last two years?” Her brows furrow. “Wait, you said thirteen. If it’s been that long, what caused all these changes?”
“Fall of senior year, we went to a party.”
“Yes, we went to tons of parties,” she points out.
“Well, this one, you were dancing with a guy. I got pissed, and I left before I let my anger get the better of me. I was off my meds at the time. With the pressures of school and hockey, the side effects of my meds were getting in the way. I felt like I was failing everyone around me by being tired and feeling sick all the time. So, I stopped taking them. And everything seemed like it was going good. I had more energy, I felt better. I was eating more, focusing more. But it was all an illusion. When I left the party, I went for a walk. On that walk, I ran into Tod.”
Her eyes widen. “Tod? Like the one who got arrested for those horrible things he did to that girl?” she asks in a whisper.
“Yeah.” Toby’s voice goes hard. “That fucking sack of shit.” He shakes his head. “He said some things that fucked me up. Some horrible, disgusting things that set me off. I lost it. I beat him so bad he almost... died.”
“Oh my god,” she gasps, but she doesn’t look disgusted like Toby assumed she would. “What did he say to you?”
Toby shakes his head with a pained look. “I’m not ready to talk about that part just yet. Please understand. Please don’t be mad that I can’t tell you. I promise, I’ll tell you everything else, just not that.”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. If you're not ready, it’s okay.”
“Thank you,” Toby sighs in relief. “I promise I will, just... not today.”
Lilly nods. “Keep going.”
“Bishop was there to stop me. We called for help, and he was taken to the hospital.” He gives her a guilty look. “There were a lot of legal dealings and a hearing to deal with it.”
“Are you kidding me? You all kept that from me too!” Lilly shouts, getting angry. “What else have you been keeping from me? Did you knock up some girl and have Brody pay her off?”
“What?” Toby’s brows furrow. “No, no. Nothing like that. That's it, that's everything we kept from you. But, Lilly, we kept that from you because of the details of the event. We didn’t want you to live with the knowledge of what that monster said.”
“Why? Why would it have affected me so much?”
