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“Because it was about you,” he snarls, anger streaming out of his body. He’s not mad at her, just at the memory of the past.
“Oh.” She blinks like a deer caught in the headlights.
“The things he said were so vile that it stayed with me, Lilly.” Toby looks wrecked.
“The nightmares,” she whispers, her tears making a second appearance. “They’re about that night, aren't they?”
Toby nods. “Partly. It’s a lot more complicated. It’s what I’m not ready to talk about.”
“This is a lot to take in,” she says, letting out a deep breath.
“Do you hate me?” I’ve never heard Toby sound so small and weak before. Fuck, this is hard to watch, but I’m not going anywhere in case Lilly needs me.
“What?” Her eyes widen.
“Do you hate me? I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” He gets down on his knees before her, placing his hands on her thighs. “I’m so fucking sorry. I hate myself for all the pain I’ve caused you. I hate myself for not being a better man for you. I hate myself for keeping secrets and lying to you.”
“Stop.” Lilly leans down and resting her forehead against his. “I don’t hate you, Toby. But I am mad. So fucking mad. I’m hurt and confused, and I’m tired. I’m so tired of it all.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.” She looks him in the eye. “All of this, it’s going to take some time to process. I don’t forgive you, not yet. I want you to get back on your meds and work to better yourself. Then you’re going to make it up to me. You can decide how because, dude, I’m gonna make you grovel at my fucking feet.”
Toby’s eyes widen as she glares down at him. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. God, this girl. She’s fucking amazing.
“I wouldn’t have judged you. I wouldn’t have hated you. I wish so damn much that you would have trusted me with all of this because you were my everything. You could have been a damn serial killer and I wouldn’t have cared. Maybe that says something about me. But, Toby, unless you treat me badly, unless you hit me, call me nasty things, I wouldn’t have seen you any other way. But that's the past, and nothing we can say or do now will change it. I need you to not worry about that now. I need you to focus on how you're going to change and move on. How are we going to move on from this?”
“Please, don’t give up on me,” he whispers again, sounding like a sad little boy.
“If I was going to give up on you, Toby, I would have after the first few months of you not talking to me. You don’t give me enough credit.”
“I know.” He sounds ashamed of that.
“As for what we are becoming to each other and where we go with things? Time is what we need. I love you, Toby. I want to be with you, that hasn’t changed. But I need to be able to trust you, and I need you to show me that you're not going to just run at any sign of trouble. Can you do that?” Can you wait for me to be ready?”
“Yes.” He nods. “I’ll wait a lifetime. I’ll spend that lifetime making it up to you. I promise. I’m so sorry.”
“Toby.” Theo’s voice has Toby jumping to his feet. I don’t miss the hurt on Lilly’s face. I don’t think Toby is ashamed of wanting her but there are still things he hasn’t told her. I guess that will have to wait. “We need to go. Your appointment is in twenty minutes.”
“Okay.” He lets out a breath.
“What the hell happened to your nose?”
“He deserved it.” I cast Theo a look and shrug.
He shakes his head and leaves. Toby looks down at Lilly. “Talk soon?”
“Yeah,” she replies softly.
“I love you, Little Flower.”
She just gives him a smile, causing him to deflate a little. She doesn't hug him, doesn't kiss him, and he leaves here with his tail between his legs. I feel a little bad, but he can’t expect that just because they talked and he told her the truth that everything will be forgotten.
“I’m so proud of you,” I tell her, sitting next to her on the chair.
“For what?” She looks so tired.
“For not giving in and forgiving him even though I can tell you want to.”
