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“You thought I would understand.” I nod, knowing that’s not really good enough. “I do. At least my brain does. My heart just needs to catch up.”
“I’m so fucking sorry, Rax.” I know I keep repeating it, but I don’t know what else to say. Words don’t seem to be enough. “Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could take it back, so I wouldn’t have hurt you, but I know we needed to do it. I hated what I did to you.” The tears are no longer being held at bay and are flowing freely down my face. “Please, don’t hate me.” I use my sleeves to wipe my face, the pesky tears making it hard to see him.
To my surprise, Rax reaches up and wipes some of my tears away. I hold still, not even breathing, not wanting to break the spell of whatever is happening.
Rax looks unsure for a moment, searching my eyes. “I missed you so fucking much.”
The sob bursts from my chest before I can stop it and I collapse against him. “Fuck, Rax. I missed you. Every day, I missed you. I love you. I love you so much and I hated that you were locked up again. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I still can’t breathe, thinking about leaving you again. I’m so fucking sorry, baby. So sorry.” I know I’m babbling, but I can’t stop. I need to get it all out before I go. This is my second time facing leaving him and it’s even worse than the first time.
“I know, sweet pea,” he murmurs, wrapping his strong arms around me and I really sob. I didn’t think he would call me sweet pea ever again.
After I have a good cry, I pull away, wiping my face clean. I know it’s red and splotchy, but I don’t care.
He puts his one hand under my chin and rubs my hair with the other one. “I didn’t think I would, but I like your hair short.” I bark a relieved laugh, burying my face in his chest and breathing him in. “Maybe I should cut mine.”
“Maybe,” I mutter against his chest. “Took me forever to get those knots out. I’m glad you were knocked out or you would have been pissed at me.”
The rumble of his laugh warms my chest and more tears leak from the corners of my eyes. “Thank you for that.”
“Welcome.” I pull away and stand up, shouldering my bag again. “I gotta go Rax. Good luck in Cuba.” I rub his face briefly, watching his eyes flutter shut.
“Go where?”
Sighing, I sit down on the couch, the urgency to leave tamped down for a moment. “I gotta go to St. Louis. I want to be with you, but I know it’ll be hard to trust me again. I want you to get your life in Cuba together and not worry about me.”
Rax reaches for my hands, and I place them in his. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just … Finn, I’ve never been in this situation before. My brain tells me you did what you thought was right. When I feel like my heart wants to go against that, I’ll remember this conversation. I know I can trust you. You’ve always been honest with me, so when you say you’re sorry, I believe you.”
“What are you saying?”
He grabs my hand, threading our fingers together. I look down at where we’re connected, my vision going blurry as I continue to stare. After my icy reception last week, I thought I would only see this in my memories.
Rax gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “Come with me. Come decorate the house I have in Cuba for me. Come with me so you can brush my hair and hum the Commodores to me every morning.”
I cover my mouth as I giggle.
Sighing, he says, “I fucked up by trying to attack you. I should have never done that. I should have listened and not reacted in anger. I want you to believe me when I say I’ll never put my hands on you in anger. So maybe we can both work on our trust together.”
Smiling, I nod, putting my hand on the side of his face as I tip my face up to him. Slowly, Rax moves toward me, keeping his eyes on me. When his lips meet mine, I let out a choked sob and lean into him, gripping his shoulders as I kiss him. Rax wraps his arms around me, pulling me to his chest and holding me close.
This is where I belong. With the man I love.
We pull apart, breathing raggedly and clinging to one another. My tears soak my face and my heart is soaring. I never thought I’d have my arms around him again, able to kiss and touch him.
He runs a hand over my hair again, then sits back, dragging me with him. “You killed Sam?”
Sadly, I nod. “I had to. Is it stupid to think that I was avenging you?”
He kisses my forehead like he did often in that house in the woods and my heart melts. “No. I would have done the same. Except he would have run the gauntlet as I was beating his ass.” I snicker. “How was it anyway? How far did he get?”
“To the end. Barely, but he made it.”
“Damn,” Rax says. “But fuck him. Glad that bitch is dead. I’m sorry you had to do it.”
I shrug. “I wanted to. No one made me. I did it for you.”
“So, you’re not going to St. Louis?”
Smiling, I wrap my arms around him. “No, I’m not.”
