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I crouch down and start to dig the tent and bedrolls out. In a matter of minutes, our shelter is set up, and the beds are spread out inside but a feeling I can’t quite place still weighs heavy in my chest.
It’s as though something squeezes my still-beating heart, threatening to turn it to dust.
Darian hauls over a fallen tree for us to sit on, and retrieves a couple of water bottles from our bags, passing one to me as I settle beside him.
Taking a few sips, my mind wanders but continues to fall back to the thought that someday soon, my life will return to how it was before this hunt for keys.
I can’t put into words how much my entire being detests that thought, but I shove the feeling deep down.
Darian breaks the tense silence, “We put in five hours today. Tomorrow we’ll follow the path for another six, and then we’ll head north off the path until nightfall. If we keep our pace we will reach our destination by then, if we have any delays, we will have to get the amulet in the morning and then head back.”
I nod absentmindedly and take a sip of water.
My mind and emotions are entangled in conflict, so much that I don’t trust myself with idle conversation.
“I’ll be back, going to use the washroom.” I murmur, striding into the forest while keeping on the top of the tent in sight.
I locate a secluded spot concealed by foliage and attend to my needs before retracing my steps. My heart sinks when Darian is nowhere in sight, prompting me to settle against the sturdy trunk of a tree and release a deep sigh.
I am exceptional at a few skills in life.
Processing my emotions has never been one of them.
I’ve often chosen to bottle them up and push them aside, relying on distractions until the pressure becomes too intense. In the past, I had research to immerse myself in, work to occupy my mind, and friends to share a drink with.
Here in this forest, however, where it’s just Darian, Val and I, on a journey that brings me one step closer to losing that feeling of security and completeness. The weight on my very being becomes unbearable.
The tears gather in my eyes and I squeeze them shut, attempting to contain the emotions that tighten my throat. Taking a deep, shaky breath, I exhale slowly and survey my surroundings.
I can’t let myself break.
Spotting a branch in the distance, I fixate on it and stride over to the tree, feeling the restless energy within me needing an outlet. I jump, grasping onto the branch, allowing myself to dangle from it.
As the rough bark bites into my skin, my muscles tremble as I lift my body so that my chin reaches the top of the branch. I focus on the pain with every repetition, my muscles tiring with each one.
Time becomes a blur as I continue, pushing myself beyond the limits of exhaustion.
My chest heaves, my muscles tremble and tears stream down my face, but I do not stop.
My palms become slick with a mixture of blood and sweat, they burn as I squeeze with numb fingers as they threaten to give way, desperate to remain suspended and my body quivers with exertion, but I do not stop.
It’s only when a whimper pierces through the haze surrounding me, snapping me out of my intense focus that makes me pause and I release my grip on the branch, landing on unsteady feet.
The forest has fallen completely dark, and despite the shade of his fur, I can make out the faint outline of Val nearby.
Overwhelmed by my emotions, I sink to my knees, my hands squeeze painfully into tight fists against the ground. Tears stream down my face unbidden.
“I can’t do this anymore, Val.” I whisper, my voice cracks as Val presses the top of his head to my collarbone and the sob I had been desperately suppressing finally escapes, breaking through the dam of my emotions.
Is this what it is to love? To feel pain simply at the thought of them no longer being present?
The floodgates open, and I surrender to the overwhelming wave of emotion. Wrapping my heavy, exhausted arms around Val’s large body, I bury my face into his fur and shudder.
I can’t keep doing this.
Why the fuck have I been fighting for so long?
What have I been fighting for?
