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He’d been pretty quiet besides the grunts. This time was nothing like the other times. He seemed so disconnected. I knew this was what he was trying to protect me from, but I needed him… all parts of him. I wanted to be the one to cast out his demons and soothe his soul. The reasons why still eluded me, but I didn’t even care why I felt this way about him. The point was that I felt something for him. Shit, I felt a lot of something for him.
As his pace slowed some, I said, “Talk to me, baby. Oh shit!” I yelled as my legs trembled. “Tell me what my pussy does to you.”
I was hanging on by a thread, but I was trying to get him here in the moment and away from whatever was troubling him. “This shit has the power to make me forget my fucking name. Juicy ass shit. It takes my breath away every time I’m in it. Yendi, beautiful, delicate flower, your pussy might eventually lock a nigga down. That shit is saying a lot.”
Suddenly, he pulled out of me. I frowned when I heard his belt buckle rattling. I turned to him to see him getting dressed. My eyes widened. “What happened? Did I do something?”
“Naw. I can’t do this. I gotta leave.”
“Jakari, please talk to me. Don’t leave. We don’t have to have sex. Just stay with me.”
I slid my hands up his chest, wanting to erase the pain he was feeling. His eyes were emotionless, but the tremble I felt go through his body was saying a lot. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
When he reopened his eyes, he said, “I don’t have a relationship with my father anymore, ever since he got locked up a little over twelve years ago. He’s been trying to contact me despite me blocking him. The day at the diner when I bolted, he’d called me from someone’s cell phone. Although I hung up on him, my mama informed me that he’s eligible for parole. If the board approves him, he’ll be out again.”
My eyebrows had lifted. I was shocked he’d told me that. He’d never mentioned his father, and I never asked about him. If Jakari didn’t volunteer personal information, I didn’t ask. I’d picked up on just how private and closed off he was. However, my mind was racing, wanting to know what his dad was locked up for.
Instead, I grabbed his hand, leading him to the couch. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for?”
“That you are feeling the way you are… going through the issues you’re going through. So you were twenty-one when he got locked up?”
“Twenty. He got locked up about three or four months before I turned twenty-two. My birthday is in two months.”
“You’re a Capricorn?”
“Mm hmm. That a problem?”
“Hell naw. Natural born hustlers.”
He chuckled then turned serious once again and sat on my couch. I sat next to him and grabbed his hand again. “Him being out doesn’t mean you have to be around him.”
“No, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try. I want nothing to do with no parts of him.”
“What did he do?” I asked, almost immediately regretting it when I saw the expression on his face turn dark.
“Deceived my mother, making her believe he was a good man and left me to take care of her and my brothers.” He took a deep breath as I waited for him to explain. “He’s a fucking pedophile and went in with two counts of rape of a minor and three other counts of inappropriate behavior with a minor or some shit like that. I don’t even know why I told you that shit. Fuck!”
He stood and practically ran to the door as I ran to catch up with him, circling my arms around him and laying my head on his back. I was shocked. I didn’t expect that. I thought he would say murder or street shit. I could now see why what his dad did fucked with him.
He turned in my arms and before he could say a word, I said, “I don’t have a relationship with my mother. Whenever I would see her, I would get sick to my stomach. I feel like she’s responsible for my father’s death. That’s why I moved. I needed to get away from her. I couldn’t properly grieve around her and her bullshit.”
His eyebrows lifted as mine had done. It seemed we both had serious issues going on. Maybe that was why I was so drawn to him and him to me. He lifted my head by my chin and softly kissed my lips, then led me to my bedroom. He disrobed again and helped me in bed. When he got in with me, he circled his arms around me. No words were spoken for a few minutes. I supposed we were both in our heads.
Finally breaking the silence, he asked, “You want to go to Nesha’s baby shower this weekend?”
Without turning to face him, I said, “Yeah, sure. You gonna pick me up?”
“Yeah.”
He kissed my shoulder repeatedly, causing me to turn to him. He kissed my lips, then said, “I’m sorry I dropped all that shit on you. I’m actually surprised I was able to tell you that. I’ve never repeated his offenses to anyone that didn’t already know. Most of my friends are also family.”
“Is that why you feel like you aren’t ready for a relationship?”
As I waited for his reply, I was only met with silence. I didn’t press him for an answer. I knew when he was ready to talk about it, he would. I wasn’t expecting him to talk to me. I just wanted him to stay. His arms tightened around me as he took a deep breath.
“I don’t want to be in a relationship because I don’t wanna fuck it up or get hurt like he hurt my mama. Seeing her at her lowest was hard for me, Yendi. But you… you have a lot of her qualities. I always said that I wanted a woman that possessed the amazing qualities of my mother. I also said that the woman I committed to would have to be a whole ass angel. I feel like God was like,Here she go. Now what?I have so many hangups. I don’t want to hurt you. Just the fact that you still wanna be here for me makes me uncomfortable. You gon’ get hurt fucking with a nigga like me. Why you won’t let me go?”
