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PROLOGUE
NATE
When I got to my mother’s house, I could feel my irritation heighten. This conversation was long overdue, and it was partially my fault why it hadn’t been had yet. I was way too angry to talk to her about it, after I’d learned more about my deceased father. Although the man she told me was my father had died years ago, she didn’t tell me he was my father until after his death. She should have just kept that shit to herself at that point.
It wasn’t like I could establish a relationship with him. Knowing he was my dad, wasn’t for my benefit though. I realized years later what it was all about. She needed me to benefit from him financially. I remembered going to do bloodwork when I was fifteen or so. I now knew that was to prove he was my father. As my legal guardian, she had a right to some of David’s money.
David Guillory was an amazing basketball player, and I enjoyed watching him play for the Wizards later in his career, as a kid, not knowing I could have been watching live and in living color. I didn’t notice how much we resembled until I knew of our connection. David had even more of a spotlight on him because of his connection to the famous rapper Noah. He was his stepfather at some point and had been a part of his life since he was four years old.
I only reached out to Noah six months ago, because now that I was a famous basketball player, I knew he would take me seriously and wouldn’t be as hesitant to meet me. Since our acquaintance, I knew he probably would have met with me regardless, whether I was famous or not. He was just that great of a guy. Listening to all his stories of how great a father figure David had been for him infuriated me.
My mother had denied me the opportunity to know my father, a man that could have had so much influence over my life. Years after she told me he was my dad, she said she wasn’t sure at the time of her pregnancy if he was indeed my father. The older I got, the more I started to look like him. Plus, I’d had a growth spurt the summer before tenth grade and grew damn near a foot taller. That was when she knew for sure. However, that was during our second talk about him. The first talk when I was a kid was that he was a horrible person… a womanizer that wouldn’t have been a good father to me.
Apparently, she was a player, too, if she didn’t know who my father was, unless what she said in the second vital conversation was a lie. I believed she needed a more concrete excuse as to why she didn’t tell me about him or him about me. Just the statement that she didn’t think he would be a good father was fickle as hell, but it got her by when I was fifteen. That shit didn’t fly after I was grown.
I opened the door as I took a deep breath and got out of the car. Making my way to her front door, it seemed my steps got heavier and heavier. I really didn’t want to rehash this shit again with her, but in order for us to move on, I knew I had to. She’d noticed my distance since I’d met Noah, and I knew that she was probably aware that I’d learned more about David that caused me to back away for a minute.
Noah didn’t just tell me about how great of a person David was. He also told me about his struggles with his mother as her husband. Who David was to him didn’t waver though. He never mistreated Noah, and I knew there were certain issues about Noah’s birth father between Noah’s mother and him that made shit difficult. That was probably why he couldn’t maintain any relationships after her. She was the woman he truly loved.
Noah didn’t find out who his birth father was until he was almost thirty. The difference between him and me was that he’d known his father all along and had a healthy relationship with him his entire life. He just didn’t know that was his father. Although there was a brief rift after the revelation, they were able to move on from it and establish an even stronger bond, especially now that his father was now his mother’s husband and had been for fifteen years.
Before I could knock, the door opened. My mom gave me a weak smile. “Congratulations on the win, baby,” she said as she stepped aside to let me in.
“Thanks, Ma,” I said, then kissed her cheek.
Sheila Green was a good mother to me. This was the only issue we’d ever had. It just happened to be a major issue that couldn’t be overlooked. She had plenty of help from my grandparents when I was younger, and I didn’t want for anything. She provided a good life for me, putting hers on hold to see to that.
This issue was weighing heavily on me though. I was grateful for the life she provided, but I would never know how the love from my father would have felt. While I knew I had to move on from this, I also knew the only way I could do that was to expose my true feelings to her.
After she closed the door, she joined me on the couch in the front room in silence. When she grabbed my hand and rubbed it between hers, it eased my irritation, and I was grateful for that. As I struggled to begin, she said, “Just tell me you aren’t kicking me out of your life.”
I frowned slightly as I stared at her. “Why would you think I would do that?”
“I can feel your anger.”
“I’m not angry anymore, but I can admit that I’m irritated. Listening to Noah talk about how David stepped up to be a father to him, despite his difficulties with his mother, lets me know that you caused me to miss out on someone great because you couldn’t get past yourself. You denied me a relationship with him, either because you were angry at him or you were embarrassed, and now, I can never have one. I’m left here wondering how my life would have been different had he been a part of it.”
She pulled her hand away and met my gaze. “So you think you would have been better off by having a relationship with him?”
“I didn’t say that. Do you think that?” I challenged.
She stood from her seat and paced. “I did what I thought was best, and now I’m getting crucified for it?”
“No one’s crucifying you. The fact that you’re getting so defensive about it lets me know there’s more that you haven’t told me. My voice hasn’t wavered, so please don’t elevate yours. I haven’t been disrespectful, so this conversation doesn’t warrant that. I’m trying to get an understanding of things and express how I feel about it as a grown man after my enlightenment on who David Guillory was as a father, not just an individual.”
“What understanding do you need? We’ve had this conversation twice, Nate.”
“And each time, I’ve gotten a different response.”
I stood as she continued to pace. My face adorned a slight frown, which I was sure portrayed my confusion with her sudden attitude change. It seemed she was prepared for the conversation at first, and now she was defensive and nervous. I slid my hand down my face as I took a deep breath.
“Mama, I’m trying to get you to understand how I feel about this. Since talking to Noah, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to approach you about it. This is the calmest I’ve been about it, but now you’re giving me a violent, emotional shove back into being angry. Is it wrong for me to feel like I missed out on someone great… someone who could have greatly impacted my life as well? I feel like you didn’t think about me and what was best for me at all. Your decisions were about you.”
“Get out, Nate. I can’t deal with this right now.”
“See what I’m saying? All I really expected of you, today, was for you to listen, maybe sympathize with how I was feeling, and offer words of comfort. Although a long shot, I was even hoping you would apologize for how your decision affected me. You’re making this situation a lot worse than what it has to be. It didn’t have to be like this. We could have sat here like adults and just talked. It ain’t like you can change any of this shit.”
“I said, get out! Now!”
