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“You’d rather be somewhere else?” I asked.
“Look at you, Dad, trying to start small talk.” Why did she have to be like this? I pressed my eyelids against one another, shaking my head.
“Maddy, can we just have a normal conversation like a father and daughter?”
“I know what you’re trying to do, Dad, but we’re in a hospital. Not sure this is the right place for some chit-chat.”
I didn’t have the strength to get into an argument with her. “Okay.” We remained quiet while I prayed for our name to be called and for the doctor to attend to us.
“What… what do you wanna talk about?” Her voice lit me up. Was she serious? Did she wish to talk? Really? My eyes expanded as I stared at her in disbelief. “Don’t make it weird, please.” She quickly added after seeing my reaction.
“Yeah, sure.” I quickly calmed down. “I wanna talk about…” Now that she’d gotten interested in talking to me, I had no idea what girls her age discussed. She surely didn’t want to hear about music considering our past, but what else could I talk to her about?
And then it hit me. “…what you and Maryam talked about yesterday.” She looked surprised.
“She didn’t tell you?”
“Contrary to what you may believe, she doesn’t tell me everything even when it pertains to you.”
“Ugh, who uses the word pertain in casual discussion?” Typical of her to focus on minute things like that as a jibe. I laughed a little, looking at her for a moment. When was the last time I stared at my daughter and truly took in the woman she was becoming? I didn’t get to see her smile a lot, so watching her smile and not being difficult, even for a couple of seconds, made me happy.
“Why’re you staring at me like that?” She asked, an eyebrow raised.
“It’s just… I don’t get to see you smile often. I missed it.” Her face sank and this concerned me.
“Maryam told me that you thought I might take my own life.”
“Yeah. I know you probably didn’t appreciate that I told her, but-”
“No, Dad. It’s fine. Seriously,” she cut me off, assuring me. “I’m kinda glad you did. She is a nice lady.” I did not expect to hear those words come from my daughter’s mouth.
If there ever existed a time to have a serious conversation, now would be it. “Maddy, I know that I have a lot of things to pay for. When you were the most vulnerable, I wasn’t as around as I could have… should have been. Even though I felt in my head that I was doing what was needed, looking back now, I see that I deluded myself.” I couldn’t even look her in the eye while saying all this. The guilt and shame I felt overwhelmed me. “I thought by buying you stuff and seeing to your medical care, I was doing my job as a father. But that shouldn’t be all a father does, especially when the mother isn’t around.” Finally, I managed to look at her. She wasn’t looking my way either; that made me feel better about not being about to see her while I apologized.
“I was wrong. I was so wrong, and I will spend the rest of my life making amends. But please, Maddy, I need you to meet me somewhere… anywhere. I’m willing to do ninety-nine percent of the work, just need you to add one percent, please. You can’t keep pushing me away. Well, I guess you can, but I’m not sure you want to. I won’t be around and alive forever. Let me be your father while I am still here and able. I love you so much, and I want us to have something resembling a positive parent-daughter relationship. Perhaps… that will make you want to live and not consider dying.”
“Dad, I never said I wanted to die,” She finally spoke, but I gave her a knowing look. Our last conversation all but confirmed it.
“What would my life be without you, Maddy?” I asked, staring right into her eyes. “I’m lucky enough to find Maryam, and she is so sweet, as you’ve come to realize. But I need you in my life as well. The two of me are my life… literally.”
Maddy seemed to be in thought. I watched her eyes soften and rest as if a weight had been lifted from them. “Okay, Dad. I’m sorry.” She breathed out, letting her shoulders relax. “I… I don’t know why I do some things that I do. There’s just anger inside me at the world. Why was I made this way? Defective.”
“Oh, no no no, Sweetie.” I quickly opened my arms for a hug which she easily fell into. Maddy sobbed right into my shirt, clutching me tightly. “Never think of yourself as defective. I am proud to have you as my daughter. Life has been hard on you, harder than you deserve, but one day, you will look back at these moments and remember them fondly. You’ll tell stories of how you overcame your demons and trials. I believe in you, Maddy. A father’s job is to support and believe in his children.”
Maddy continued to cry, her sobs leaking out the dark thoughts she had kept deep inside. Those moments when she needed her dad as a kid and probably cried herself to sleep without me… must have been so hard for her. It broke my soul just thinking about it, but at least, I was here now. I wanted her to let it all out; the fears, the pain, the anger, the everything. My daughter should be able to rest on me rather than carrying the weight of her young life all alone.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” she said amid sobs, hugging me while sniffing into my shirt. “I just… couldn’t take any more.” If we hadn’t come to good terms and handled things in time, who knew what could have happened? I shuddered to think about such an outcome. Relishing this moment in the place I hated the most, a hospital, I didn’t fail to remember that this reconciliation became possible only because of my love, Maryam.
I couldn’t wait to see her. Maryam had done so much for me in such a short period that I didn’t know how to thank her. They say when you’ve found that special person that completes you, everything will feel surreal. I guessed that was how I felt with this wondrous woman.
“Why’re you smiling like that?” Maddy said to me, and I quickly turned to her.
“Oh, I was smiling?” I hadn’t even noticed. Thinking about a woman like Maryam would do that to a man.
“Uh-huh,” Maddy hummed in affirmation. We’d just returned from the hospital. The tests were done but we were told to come back for results and diagnosis. Since Maddy had a peculiar case of multiple compounding issues. Anyway, my mind remained on Maryam right now. How could I have been so lucky to have this woman be mine? I didn’t deserve her.
We got home and got out of the car. I checked on Maddy, trying to help her work. They did several tests on her, which required taking her urine and blood and doing X-ray type of tests.
“I’m fine, Dad. Don’t worry,” She assured me when I tried holding her hand. I still didn’t let go, following her until she entered the house.
