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Benji shakes his head. “She did, I told her no. She is getting phone time.”
I would protest, but Benji is clearly here to say something to me. I just nod.
He sighs and sits up a bit. “Dad,” he says seriously.
“Son,” I reply in a deep voice.
His lips twitch. Ah. Almost a smile.
“I just wanted to…” Benji trails off. I wait as patiently as I can, but my feet are starting to tap in anxiousness. “Never mind.”
“Bud,” I say gently. I grab his hand, and he looks up at me, a vulnerable expression on his face. “You can talk to me. You can tell me anything.”
Benji wets his lips. He nods.
“I just…”
“Hm?”
“I guess, I thought… I thought you still loved Mom.”
It’s like all the wind has been kicked out of me. My heart breaks for my poor baby.
“Oh, Benji.” I wrap my arms around him.
He huddles into me, like he’s half his age. I want to cradle him like I could when he was just a baby.
“Look, son.”
I pull back just enough to actually be able to see him. He frowns, the high points of his cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. I grip his shoulder and wait until he looks up at me and our eyes lock.
“Idolove your mother.” Before he can get any big ideas, I quickly add on, “She’ll always be my family and one of my dearest friends. And I’ll always care for her and adore her and love her.”
He sighs. “I thought you… loved her like you used to. I thought maybe you guys would… I don’t know.”
I hate that our divorce, as amiable as it was, has created these little seeds of disappointment in our kid. I make a mental note to warn Jessi about Benji’s feelings.
“Your mother and I will always love each other. And more importantly, we will always love you and your sister. Do you believe that?”
Benji looks at his hands and then glances up quickly at me before sighing. “Yeah.”
“Are you feeling okay about splitting time between the two houses?” I ask, worrying that’s part of it.
He shrugs. “I… wish you were on the vacation,” he admits. “It didn’t feel like a family trip.”
Part of my heart soars while the rest breaks. “I hear that. Do you… did you like having Lewis there?” I ask cautiously.
Benji’s eyes widen and he nods. “Yeah! Lewis is great. I guess I forgot he was Mom’s boyfriend.” His nose wrinkles. “Idolike him. I just like you more.”
I burst out into laughter. I ruffle his hair. “Well, that’s good!” I say brightly. “Look, kid. If you want us both there for vacations, we’ll be there. It might not work always—Mom needs alone time with you, same as me. But more all-family vacations? Done.” I know I shouldn’t make promises like this without Jessi, but I know she’ll agree.
“And holidays?” he asks hopefully.
This year, we did them separately. I feel immensely guilty.
“Promise,” I say.
He hugs me, and then I walk him back down to the car. Angie is trying to teach Damon an elaborate clapping hand game. His expression breaks into relief when I approach.
