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Hannah had a lot of time to think about stuff in the past few days and she made sure she utilized it.
She had come to make a few decisions which were bold and prominent.
One was that she would finally have to come to terms with the fact that this might be it for her and Nick. While she had always thought that their love was strong enough to withstand any sort of hardship, perhaps this entire thing had finally been the one who overcame it.
She tried putting herself in Nick’s shoes and realized that it must be very difficult for him. And clearly, he had made no attempts to contact her ever since that day on their honeymoon and that told Hannah that he was not yet ready to face this.
And even though it absolutely broke her heart to think of the possibility, she had to recognize that maybe he never will be ready.
The second decision she made was a surprise to even herself. Even though at first the prospect of being pregnant was horrifying and the worst thing to happen to her but over time, the thought had slightly grown on her.
She knew that she wanted children and that was no longer an option for her and Nick. But now that she was pregnant, she thought perhaps this was fates way of giving her a chance. Though it broke her heart to think that one person she loved was taken away from her in the process of it.
Initially, she had considered the possibility of eliminating the baby but the more she thought about doing it, the more sick to the stomach she felt. She knew that what happened was wrong but it did not fare well to her to eliminate one wrong using another.
And so - she had decided she would keep the baby even if it meant that she had to nurse it alone by herself. She knew that she could not ever eliminate it but also, she knew that she could never go through the experience of delivering a baby and then put it up for adoption. It was something she knew she would always think about for the rest of her life if she ever decided to go through with it.
These decisions had not even easy to come by in any regard but Hannah felt satisfied with them.
It was the strangest feeling - the feeling of utter heartbreak that is so devastating it leaves you breathless on nights where you wake up from your sleep thinking you had a bad nightmare but the nightmare does not end, because the nightmare is your reality.
But even still through the pain - perhaps the worst kind of heart ache she had ever experienced in her life, in the depths of her heart she still felt a calm.
That calm was the only thing that was getting her by. The only thing that motivated her to get out of her bed in the mornings to start out her day. Even though her days were morbid, they were still glimmering with the possibility that perhaps she could find it in herself to survive on her own.
Meanwhile, Nick was going through dilemmas of his own. It had been a while now since his encounter with Samantha and even he did not properly understand why he had so vehemently pushed her away from him.
He knew that even if he had decided to go through with her intentions, it would have reaped no dire consequences as what Hannah did to him was far worse.
But still, she was a stain in the fabric of his mind that he could not erase even if he tried all this life. The kind that is so deep that it becomes a part of you and you are unable to distinguish one end from the other.
He found herself missing her most of all. In the small little things and in all of the big ones. His wedding band lay discarded in his drawer in his friend’s house but it never for a second made it presence be forgotten even if it was not there physically.
Nick tried to put himself in Hannah's shoes, even though it hurt too much to even think about the events that might have taken place that night. And he tried to imagine her frame of mind.
Even though he could not bring himself to justify her actions, he began to see that it was not that she wanted to do go behind his back.
Whatever the reality of the situation was, Nick knew one thing that Hannah would never cheat on him purposely.
She had been there for him on his lowest points and she had been there for him on his best. She had been a part of his life for so long, he often wondered if she was now deeply embedded into his system, impossible to root out even if he tried. She was the one constant her life and he knew, deep inside of him, that if this was Nick that made this mistake, she would have taken him back in an instant.
So why was it so hard for Nick to do the same?
He pondered over this question a lot and he did not find an answer.
But the answer came to him in the late hours of the night when he found himself relinquishing control to alcohol. In those moments, he was the most honest and in those moment, she was all that he wanted to go back to.
It was a Sunday night when Nick found himself at the bar again, wasted and out of his wits. That Sunday was just like any else; he still had the same urge to go and see her but what made it so distinct was that this time, he found himself wanting to oblige.
And so he drove over the street where he once used to call home and he found himself with his car parked out the building where their apartment was.
He was there for a long time and he knew that she was alone and that she was home. He tried to fight it but it was him against his heart. And right now, his heart overpowered every other atom of his existence.
Chapter 11
The doorbell rang and Hannah's eyes flickered over to the clock hanging on the wall. It was almost midnight so she wondered who has decided to visit her this late.
Sighing, she got up from her place on the sofa. She had not done much ever since Kim had left to go to the airport this afternoon.
