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It felt amazing, like something fresh and new all at once. I could sense my own apprehensions slowly easing up, and I tried to enjoy the experience as much as I could. Then I heard the cry once more. Dusty slid in and out of me a few times, and I moaned softly. I knew that in a matter of mere seconds, I’d be on the brink of a climax. He thrust once more, deeper inside of me, and I came, in a short, whimpering cry.
“Leila. I hear Carter.” Dusty kissed me on the forehead and then slid slowly outside of me. I tossed over and then leaned toward the nursery. I heard Carter again, as well. I smiled, then watched as Dusty quickly slid on his jeans and headed out of the room. He came back in holding the snuggled Carter, and then climbed into the bed next to me. “I hope you don’t mind a little company.” He held Carter close and moved in so that I could see him better.
“What a beautiful baby!” I cooed over Carter, gently brushing my fingers against his cheek and staring at his large, curiosity-filled eyes. Dusty smiled and then handed him gently to me.
“Want to hold him for a few minutes? I can go make us some more coffee if you want.” Dusty looked as handsome as ever standing in the doorway. I nodded my head, then went back to admiring the bundle of joy in my arms. I wanted to ask Dusty what his relationship had been like with his wife, but I was too afraid to bring up the past. Besides, I hadn’t even been in his house for more than a day yet. I decided to just keep my questions to myself.
After a few minutes passed, I carried wrapped myself in a robe and gently carried Carter out of the bedroom. I could hear Dusty in the bedroom. “Dusty?” I peeked in and saw him sitting in front of a pile of pictures. He was shuffling them around his face was drawn into a solemn frown.
“Oh. Hi.” Dusty looked up, caught somewhat off-guard. “I was just looking a t a few pictures of Emily.” He gazed back toward the photos and then sat back, his arms folded across his chest. “Anyway. Coffee. Right?” Dusty gave me a weak smile, then got up abruptly and left the room. I stood in silence, holding Carter in my arms, then watched as Dusty disappeared down the hall.
Chapter 8
When I knew that Dusty was downstairs in the kitchen, I stepped curiously toward his desk. The pictures, still scattered in several directions, were all of the same beautiful woman. She had long wavy hair, the color of marigolds, and a wide, bright smile. I studied her face and wondered how she died. In a few of the pictures, a tall, dapper looking Dusty had his hands wrapped tightly around her waist. He looked like he couldn’t be happier.
“Here you go. I just made a fresh pot.” Dusty caught me by surprise. I moved, embarrassed, away from his desk. “I didn’t mean to go into such a trance like that over those pictures.” He shook his head and handed me my mug, then slid the photographs into his hand and then dropped them into the desk drawer. I swallowed hard, not sure of what to say. An awkward silence ensued.
“Maybe we could go for a little ride around the town today.” I changed the subject, hoping that it would alleviate the heavy silence. Dusty nodded his head and then slowly wriggled Carter out of my arms.
“That would be great. I’ve got a few tasks to delegate down on the outer edges of the ranch, but after I take care of business, we could go check out the bustling metropolis of Billings.” Dusty smiled and then walked out of the room. I felt put-off, even though he had agreed to go out. Then I decided not to read too much into it. The man had just lost his wife; I should try to be more understanding. We could still enjoy the day. Right? We would go out and have a nice afternoon, baby and all.
Dusty carried Carter into the nursery and then popped his head back in the bedroom. “I’ll be right out there, on the left hand side of the fencing.” Dusty pointed toward the window and then slid a tan vest over his t-shirt. “Feel free to wander on out there if it moves you. Carter loves to watch me work.” He slid on a pair of black, leather boots, then walked confidently out of the room.
I stood alone, wondering if I had made the right choice. The self-doubt, for as much I liked to believe it had dissipated, always seemed to have a way of sidling itself back in. I sighed. There wasn’t much to do about it now. I would simply have to ride it out and hope that Dusty found a way to let me into his heart. Our love-making, even though cut short by the baby, had felt honest and real to me. I looked down at the floor, confused, worried and alone.
“Come on, Carter.” After about a half hour of deliberating the situation, I decided that I’d make the best of it. Even if Dusty still had unresolved feelings for his deceased wife, I could still be a part of his life, still find a way to get into his heart. I had always been a faithful and patient lover, so it only made sense that with time, Dusty would come to find me just as worthy as his wife had originally been. I quickly got dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater. Then I scooped Carter up from his play-rug, changed his diaper and put him in a baby carrier.
I had seen countless pictures of young, fit mothers carrying their babies in the latest wraps and slings. It made me feel proud to have Carter attached to my hip. He was a welcome relief to my anxiety, and even when he got fussy, I learned how to settle his cries and make him enjoy his surroundings. I slid a sun-hat on his fuzzy head and then made my way down the steps. As soon as we reached the back deck, I took a deep breath. The vast, mountainous region of Montana stood before me, and I smiled, thankful for the chance to have seen this incredible landscape.
I walked with Carter for about an hour, stopping here and there to check out flowers, shadows, or other interesting sights for a baby. By the time we started to wind our way back toward the house, Dusty’s tractor was ambling in our direction at a modest pace. I stood still and placed a hand over my eyes, trying to shield them from the bright, Western sun. Carter made waving motions when he saw the tractor, then a few “Da-Da” sounds came bubbling from his lips. I smiled, then unfastened the carrier and held him up in the air so that he could better view the steel green tractor.
“Good afternoon!” Dusty waved and then shifted the tractor to s grinding halt. “I am so glad to have gotten that corn field taken care of. I’ve got a few men out on the other side that handle most of the planting, but this section I needed to deal with myself. How’s the little man holding up today?” Dusty cocked his head to this side, a thoughtful expression spreading across his face.
“He’s good. In fact, we were just heading in to have a bottle. I think he might be ready for his next nap, too.” I peeked under Carter’s sun-hat and then slid him back into the carrier. “Would you like me to make you anything to eat?” I had no idea what Dusty liked in terms of food, but I assumed that his wife used to cook, and I wanted to step up and start making him feel like I was good enough to be his new wife.
“I could definitely go for a good bite to eat, Leila. Thanks.” Dusty wiped his brow and then started up the tractor. I watched him as he settled back into the steel bucket seat. His eyes were intent on the field ahead of him, and his taut, tanned arms were planted on the steering wheel. I wondered what his wife used to do when he worked out on the ranch. Did she follow him around, or did she have her own hobbies that occupied her time? As I made my way toward the back of the house, I soon answered part of my own question.
A large, square raised bed was situated in the corner of the back yard, close to the sandbox and the clothesline. I plopped Carter down for a few minutes on a blanket and had a closer look at what was planted. A full bed of flowers was planted, and each row had a new bud forming along the top of the leaves. There were red, orange and yellow varieties, some of which I’d never even seen before. I decided that she must have been a gardener, and that these must have been some of her seedlings planted years before.
After a few moments of wondering, I knelt down and tickled Carter’s belly. He let out a stream of cooing laughter, then rolled over and bobbed his head up and down, watching with curiosity as the wind rustled the tops of the flower buds. I couldn’t help but feel like I was out of place here. For as much as I wanted to believe that I had done something courageous by answering the ad Dusty had placed, I couldn’t shake the nagging sensation that something just wasn’t right with this picture. After a few more moments in contemplation, I picked up Carter and our blanket, then quietly walked back inside the house.
Chapter 9
Dusty came inside about an hour later. I had rummaged through the mostly empty fridge and found some bread to make him a grilled cheese. Carter had already been put down for his second nap, and I was trying to keep my thoughts as positive as possible, even though I still had lingering doubts about Dusty’s level of commitment. “Did you get all your work down out there?” I gave him a pleasant smile when he came through the door. He nodded his head and then sat down in one of the chairs.
“I sure did. Got the entire back row taken care of and even hoed out some of those post-holes for laying more fence.” He looked pleased with his accomplishments, and I subtly moved the grilled cheese to his place at the table.
“Grilled cheese. That’s nice of you.” Dusty gave me a forced smile and then took a small bite.
“You know, if we still take that trip into town today I could pick out some groceries for making a nice dinner.” I piped up to remind him that we had made earlier plans. Dusty didn’t say much in return, so I assumed that he was no longer interested in venturing out. Then, to my surprise, he smiled.
“Sure. Let’s get ready to go so that when Carter wakes up, we’re set.” Dusty took one more small bite of the grilled cheese, then pushed himself away front he table. I was immediately self-conscious of my cooking. Sure- it was just a grilled cheese, but I had a nagging thought that maybe Emily used to make them with a special twist. Perhaps she used to cut them into cute little triangles, or maybe she added slices of tomato. Maybe Dusty and Emily both loved grilled cheese so much that it made Dusty’s heart ache to see them on his plate again. I shook my head and tried to snap out of it.
“Hey, Dusty. I don’t want to be intrusive, but…” My heart flip-flopped as soon as I said the words, but I couldn’t help it any longer. “Would you mind telling me how your wife died? I have this desire to just understand a little bit more.” I chose my words as carefully as possible and Dusty paused. He looked away, then bit his lower lip.
“She died in a plane crash about a week after Carter was born.” Dusty frowned and looked straight ahead. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just shifted my weight to the other foot and remained silent. Dusty nodded his head, took a deep breath, and then turned and walked away. I felt a pang of sorrow tug at my heart. It sounded like such a terrible way to lose someone that I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help. Yet I could tell from Dusty’s expression that nothing I said or did would even come close to managing his pain.
The sun cast a few rays through the kitchen and I watched in silence as Dusty disappeared through the living room, then up the steps to the bathroom. I walked to the counter and poured myself a glass of lemonade that I had made earlier in the day. Then I sat down and gazed out the window, watching as a small gathering of clouds rolled along. The house was quiet, and the only sound I could detect in the distance were tractors and plows. It was such a change from Arizona that I found myself yearning for home. I missed Pete and Ella, missed my runs through the juniper and even my job at the bookstore.
