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“What?” I shouted, leaning forward as Gio frowned deeply.
“There are many reasons. Firstly, I love my job. I love protecting Sani and Raya and watching them grow. I made a promise to Vincenzo that I would see that through and I intend to stay by their side until they no longer need me. Perhaps then, it will be your little one that needs my protection,” he smiled, which caused tears to spring to my eyes. “Secondly, I am not as young and ambitious as I once was. I would like to continue to live a fairly simple and easy lifestyle which will hopefully now also be full of love,” he glanced at me as my lips trembled. “And lastly, I think there is someone else far more deserving and far more qualified for the role.”
“You do?” Gio tilted his head as he clasped his hands together. “Who?”
“Cecilia,” he grinned at me before he looked over at Gio’s wide eyes. My own expression was one of pure surprise as I moved my gaze to Gio. A slow smile spread across his face.
“I have to say Marco, I think you are right. And I can’t believe I never thought of it before.”
“What? Me? No. I can’t. For starters, no woman has ever been given the role of consigliere in mafia history! And what about my health! What if I am not stable enough to do what is needed of me!”
“Cece,” Marco turned in his chair to face me, “Everyone in this family knows how capable you are. You have always been career-driven and you are happiest when you have purpose. You would be amazing at this and I would be right behind you, supporting you completely.”
“But-”
“He’s right, mamma. There is no better man for the job,” Gio grinned. “Which is why I have found it so hard to fill it. It’s yours, if you want it.”
The tears of joy were now falling from my eyes as I lifted my hands to my face. Was this really happening? I had always had to fight so hard to have my voice heard being a woman in the mafia. It had taken me years, and a lot of Vinny’s belief and refusal to let anyone undermine me, to gain the respect of not only the men in this family but across all mafia families. I had never really known why I had fought so hard. Why I couldn’t just fade into the background like all the other mafia wives. Has it led me to this path?
“Okay,” I beamed. “You are sure you want to work so closely with your mamma?”
“You already tell me what to do, mamma. I might as well pay you for it,” Gio smirked as Marco and I burst out laughing.
Liv and I were lounging out by the pool on the deck chairs and watching Sani and Raya splashing around in the pool beside us. Liv sighed heavily to grab my attention when I had drifted once more into a daze. That seemed to keep happening. I am guessing it is a coping mechanism. One minute, I was interacting and engaging with the people around me and the next… zombie. I zone out completely. Staring absentmindedly at nothing in particular. Disconnected from the world is the best way to describe it.
I blinked a few times and turned my head to see Liv watching me with concern from over her sunglasses. She had a juice in one hand and a ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ book in the other. But her attention was all on me.
“Sorry?”
She sighed again and placed the book down. “Lucinda was just out here asking if we wanted anything for lunch. I suggested a sharing platter.”
“Oh. Sure. Sounds good,” I focused back on my siblings diving under the water, but it lasted a matter of seconds as I couldn’t ignore the penetrating stare at the side of my face.
“You know you can talk to me, Elle. About what happened. About you and Alessio?” she said carefully. I huffed, closing my eyes to avoid any traitorous tears from falling and facing the sun.
Just hearing his name said out loud caused my heart to constrict and my stomach to tie into knots. How long would this feeling last? How long would it be until the mere mention of his name didn’t completely destroy me? Weeks? Months? Years? Would it ever not hurt?
“There was no me and Alessio, Liv. It was a lie.”
“But it was real for you. Whatever happened between you both was real for you, Elle. And I think it would help if you talked about it. Ignoring what happened and pretending everything is fine and life is moving on will only work for a matter of time. It will all catch up with you sooner or later.”
“I’ve faced it. I’ve digested it. I fell in love with a man that used me. The red flags were there from the very beginning and I ignored them. I did what I always do. I dived right in with my eyes firmly closed and hoped for the best. And that is no one’s fault but my own. That is all there is to it. There isn’t anything more to talk about,” I said firmly, though my voice cracked with emotion. I refused to look at her. I couldn’t take any more sympathy.
“I just can’t believe anyone could be that cruel,” she replied sadly as I swallowed my own emotions her words provoked. “To break your heart just for fun. If that was the case, why did he save you from Dante? Why did he protect you from Galiz in Greece if he was just going to give you to him anyway?”
Any time I thought too much into those questions myself, the doubt would always creep back in. The tiniest flash of hope would flicker in my heart that I had it wrong. That none of it was true. But just as quick, I would snap myself out of it. I wouldn’t be fooled anymore. Isabelle’s words would instantly replay in my head every time I thought of a moment that felt genuine between Alessio and me. And the hatred and pain would return. Fresh and raw.
“Because he needed to earn my trust. To make me believe he was a good man. Looking back now, he probably set the whole scene up with Dante. Gio seems to think so. I just can’t keep replaying all these things over and over in my head, Liv. It is just too painful.”
“I understand,” she reached for my hand and squeezed it. “I just wanted you to know I am always here. Any time you want to talk. There is no judgement.”
“You may not judge me. But everyone else does. Including myself.”
“That’s not true, Elle.”
“It is! I see the look in everyone’s eyes. I can see all the things they desperately want to say, but don’t because they don’t want to cause me any more pain. But I know it’s there, Liv. And they have every right to be angry and disappointed with me. But trust me, no one is more disappointed in me than I am.”
“Elle, you fell in love! You can’t help that! And no one can blame you for that. You think I would have chosen to fall in love with an Italian Mafia Boss? Of course not, but I met Gio and the spark was instant. You can’t ignore what the heart wants, Elle. Love just doesn’t work that way.”
