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“Still. It must be hard to have all that pressure while the other half of the family is looking for the joy in life,” she murmured.
Her words hit me directly in the chest. I had never said it aloud, but that was exactly it. Growing up, I would never admit that it hurt to see Oliver and my mother go off on their adventures. It was easier to judge them and their choices and make myself feel superior by working hard. But never being invited hurt all the same, no matter how much I told myself it didn’t.
“It was hard,” I admitted. “As the years went on, Oliver and I spoke less and less. He became more fun-loving while I threw myself into my studies. I wanted to please my father, and the only way to do that was excel in everything I tried. I secretly hoped my mother would take interest in my accolades, but she would brush them off with a simple, ‘Nice job.’ They were never enough for her. She would always prefer Oliver.”
My grip on the edge of the table tightened.
“You were always good enough, Nathan,” Charlie whispered, reaching out and grabbing my hand. “I’m sorry you ever felt like that.”
As I stared into her sincere eyes, warmth filled my chest. I thought I would feel regret at laying myself bare, but I felt relief. To be able to talk to someone without inhibition after years of suppression felt amazing.
“It’s nice being able to spend time with Oliver all these years later without any pressure,” I added.
“Have you ever talked with him about any of it?”
I hesitated before shaking my head. “We don’t really talk much. Not about this.”
“I don’t want to overstep, but talking could be healthy. I mean, it seems like a lack of communication and understanding was what kept you apart all those years.”
“What’s to understand? Nothing bothers him and he’s high on life all the time. I’m just beginning to accept that is all.”
“Or is that just what he shows the world?” she asked.
I considered this. Maybe Oliver’s behavior was as much a product of trying to please our mother as mine had been to appease my father.
“Maybe you’re right,” I relented.
Her eyebrows shot up. “I am?”
“Why do you sound surprised?”
“I just didn’t think you’d take my input.”
“Well, maybe it’s time I start listening to someone. My life hasn’t turned out that great so far.”
She shook her head. “How could you say that? Look at all you’ve built.”
“A castle of stone with no one to share it with,” I muttered.
She sucked in a breath. “I didn’t realize being alone bothered you. I thought you liked it.”
“The appeal has started to become lost on me if I’m being honest.”
She opened and closed her mouth as she stared at me. The waiter interrupted her thoughts by clearing our plates and bringing another course.
“I like spending time with you,” I confessed, no longer caring that I was her boss and she was off limits.
“You do?” she squeaked.
My eyes bore into hers, trying to drink in every detail. “Very much.”
She twisted strands of hair in between her fingers. “I wasn’t so sure. I mean it kind of felt like maybe you did, but then other times you’re so quiet. You’re hard to read.”
“I don’t want to be,” I said, meaning it.
She smiled. “I think I’m finally starting to understand you.”
Chapter Twenty
