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Peter stared into the last little bit of whiskey that rested in his glass. He was unmoving, and for a few moments I thought he was never going to move again. Then he downed the rest of the drink and rose, striding out of the door. I hoped that Willow would be calm enough to prevent another discussion with him from turning into an argument.
Chapter Eight
Willow
I didn’t care where I was going. In my state of emotional tumult I was ready to head in any direction, to walk to the ends of the world if need be because I just wanted to be away from this place. I had been cursed with a home that didn’t want me. I was poison to this pack. Things were so much easier and better when I was alone with Cassius. We didn’t need anything other than each other to make us happy, but now it was all ruined. Amara and these wolves had ruined it all. Why couldn’t I just be happy? It wasn’t fair.
The emotions became so intense within me that I ended up surrendering to my wolf side and sprinted through the forest. I slammed through branches and ran quickly, spurred on by these raw feelings. Eventually I came to a stop, drained and tired. I shifted back into a human and sat upon a rock, looking out upon a sloping hill that stretched down into a valley. It was hard to make out the details at night, but it still looked beautiful. I sniffed and felt tears rolling down my cheeks. My shoulders shuddered. I used the blanket to dry my tears, but more came to me.
And then I realized that I wasn’t alone.
“What are you doing here Dad?” I asked, my voice terse as he seemed like an intruder.
Dad shifted into his human form. He held his hands up and kept his distance. “I don’t mean to come here if I’m not wanted, but I don’t like the fact that you’re suffering alone. Cassius wanted to come, but I asked him to stay behind. I thought you and I should have a conversation,” he said. I groaned inwardly because that wasn’t what I wanted at all, but now that he was here it seemed rude to turn him away. I shifted over, making room for him on the rock. He moved closer to me, tentatively, and drew his knees into him, resting his arms on them.
“I’m sorry that I don’t always know the right things to say, and I’m sorry for the way your mother and I treated you. I wish that she were still here. Cassius said that I should try and think of a story to tell you, that maybe it would make you feel better, just like it did when your Mom used to calm you down. The problem is that I don’t have her imagination or her skills. The only stories I know are the ones that I’ve lived through, like when you were born. I was so nervous I was pacing a ditch in the dirt. I was so afraid that something was going to go wrong, but then I held you in my arms and it felt as though everything was right with the world. I’m not sure how to describe it exactly, but the love I felt for you in that moment was more than anything I had ever felt before, and that’s saying something because I loved your mother with all my heart. But when it came to you I just… I knew we shared something deep because you were a part of me, a part of me made flesh. And I just… I wanted to give you the best life possible. I wanted to do everything for you and I’m so… I’m ashamed that I failed.” He hung his head. He sounded tired and exhausted.
“You know Willow, it’s been so hard since your mother died. There are some days when I wake up and I still expect to see her there, but she isn’t, and she’s never coming back. I’m glad that you two were able to make peace before she died, but I don’t want you to remember the bad times. We were always trying to be better and we didn’t mean you any ill will at all. Please, you have to believe that.”
I sighed and pressed my hand to my forehead. “I know Dad. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about it. I know you’re missing Mom. I miss her too. I wish we had been able to spend more time together, more time when we weren’t angry with each other.”
“I wish that too, but you know Mom wasn’t really angry with you. She was angry with herself. We both were. We realized too late that we were pushing you towards something that you didn’t want. We had lost sight of what being parents meant. If we had just listened to you… well… like I said it’s too late for that now.”
I nodded and looked up at the stars. “Do you think she’s up there now?”
“I think so, probably still spinning stories,” he smiled and paused for a moment. “You know that I love you Willow. I know this isn’t your favorite place in the world, but I do hope you at least consider sticking around. The house is so lonely without your mother. I really could use the company, and I know tonight did not prove it, but people don’t look at you as an outsider. You’re my daughter no matter what, and I’m sorry that I made you feel like you weren’t enough for me. The truth is you always were. I suppose I just thought that your unhappiness was because you didn’t have a wolf, not because everyone was making you feel bad for not having a wolf. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you. Do you think we can move forward? Because I know that we have lost a lot of years to this and I don’t want to lose anymore. There are already too many things we can lose out on in the world.”
I heard the emotion in his voice. I thought about everything Cassius had told me about his relationship with his father, and how he was filled with regret. He had left behind a trail of broken and mangled relationships, and I did not want to be like him. When I looked in on myself I had to admit that it wasn’t really Dad that I was mad at. It was everyone else, and myself. I nodded and allowed him to hug me. He let out a choking sob, but he managed to stifle his tears.
“And I want you to know that we’re going to get to the bottom of this. Whoever led this attack shouldn’t be a part of this pack. I’m not going to allow them to stay here. They’re cowards for attacking you in the dark.”
“Thanks Dad. It’s nice to know I can count on you.”
“You’ve always had good instincts about the people you keep around you Willow. I can even admit that Cassius is a good man.”
“I bet you really do like him more now that he’s a man rather than a vampire.”
Dad laughed. “Well, I’m not going to deny that. He’s certainly less dangerous.”
“Yes, he is, but he’s also more vulnerable. If anything should happen to him then-”
I didn’t need to finish my sentence because Dad knew what I was going to say. “I’ll do whatever I can to make sure that you don’t have to think about that. We’ll get through this Willow. Vampires, traitors, whatever, we won’t let anything get in the way of your happiness.”
He turned to face me and took my chin in his hand. He inspected my wounds, his brow knotting with concern. “Any wolf who did this is not part of the pack. Brandon will make sure they do not get away with this. I know I have failed you in the past Willow, but I shall never fail you again.”
He hugged me again, the kind of hug that I had always wanted when I was a little girl. There had been so many times when all I had wanted from him and Mom was for them to say that they loved me, that they were happy with who I was no matter what. At least now he was able to say these things. They may have been long overdue, but it was better to hear them than to go through life always feeling lesser than I was. I hugged him back, feeling guilty and ashamed that I had let the trauma of the past overwhelm me. It was like a tide washing over me, seeking to drown me. When I had returned here before it had been painful, but then I knew that it was only going to be a temporary stay. This time it might well be permanent and having to be around these people who bullied and shunned me… it was too much, and after the attack it felt like too little had changed.
But I was wrong.
Things had changed.
Life was a process in which we always learned and grew. We were mutable, malleable things and while the core of us might have remained throughout the span of our lives, there were so many other things that transformed within us. I had changed, and so had Dad. Our relationship could as well, but only if I allowed the grim memories of him and the aching hurt to die with the past. Sometimes the only reason wounds kept hurting was because you kept fiddling with them, preventing them from healing. I was beginning to see that life was like this. If we looked at the past for too long then we were never going to leave it.
I wasn’t going to allow myself to be trapped like that, to become like Cassius had been the first time we had met. He had almost lost his mind to those things, speaking with gargoyles due to his loneliness and regret.
Dad and I stayed there for a while longer, sitting in silence. Occasionally there was a story about Mom, which was bittersweet to share. Even though she was gone from this world I still felt the shroud of loveliness that she used to drape over the world, even if it was misguided towards me sometimes. Thinking about her brought a tear to my eye. So much time we had together was spent being angry with each other. I was talking past her and she was looking down at me, and it was only at the very end that we managed to accept each other for who we had become. I was able to see her not as this cruel, tyrannical figure, but rather as a person with her own flaws and her own regrets. As a child I assumed that my parents were infallible and invulnerable and would never make any mistakes. I thought they knew everything, but I was wrong. They were just trying to muddle through life like the rest of us. I wondered if I would be the same when I had a child, or if one day they would think of me. It was natural to assume that they would, giving that time seemed to move in circles.
That was if we had a chance to live, for while Amara was out there we were an endangered species.
