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I felt a little pang somewhere deep down. Luckily, it was deep down, so I managed to banish that thought. I was on a path here, and I couldn’t deviate from it. Especially not because of a bodyguard who would probably be long gone by the end of the year, completely forgetting all about me. I had to admit that I didn’t like this very much, but I attributed it to the fact that I was a woman. What woman liked the idea of sleeping with someone, and not being memorable to that same man? It was all a matter of ego, nothing else.
“Well, I know,” I assured my sister. “We won’t allow that to affect our roles and where we stand. I will marry Luke as it was agreed, and this changes nothing.”
“But… don’t you feel like you’ve… uhm… well, cheated on Luke?” Cass was careful when choosing her words.
“Cheated?” I frowned. “Not really. I mean, you know that we aren’t in a romantic relationship. We’re just friends, whohappen to be… forced to marry each other by their fathers, for the good of the kingdom. They can tell me who I will marry, but they sure as hell can’t tell me who I love.”
“You said love,” Cass pointed out.
“So?” I shrugged.
“Are you in love with the bodyguard?” Cass wondered, sounding slightly shocked.
“What?” I gasped. “No. No!”
In love? God forbid!
I didn’t even know him. How could I possibly be in love with someone I didn’t know? It was ridiculous. It was preposterous. And yet, my heart was in a state of commotion. I reminded myself that it was just post-sex confusion. I was still under the impression of how wonderful it was, how he knew exactly how to kiss me and where to touch me.
Goosebumps immediately ran up and down my body, as I remembered the previous night. I even blushed a little. Luckily, Cass didn’t ask why.
Instead, Cass chuckled a little. “Good. Because that would complicate things so much.”
“Don’t be silly,” I waved my hand at her dismissively. “It was… I don’t know. I can’t even explain what it was. It was totally unlike me.”
“I know,” she agreed. “I mean, you’ve never done anything like that before.”
“I guess that is partly why I did it,” I admitted, getting up from the sofa and walking through shelves filled with old books and scrolls. I liked the smell of old books. They always soothed me, and I was glad I chose this place to share this with her. The hushed ambiance around us adding a sense of contemplation. The rest of the castle seemed to be in too much of a commotion.
“I feel like I won’t be able to do anything after I get married and it is freaking me out,” I confessed.
“Lil, it is normal to have reservations and fears about such a significant life change,” Cass told me wisely, her gaze unwavering as she listened attentively.
I took a deep breath. Since we’d already started talking about this, I might as well continue. “I fear that in marriage, I will lose myself. I will lose access to all the things I love and enjoy doing, and my life will become something completely different, something I don’t want to have. I fear that the responsibilities and expectations that come with being married will consume my identity. I don’t want to be defined just by the role I’m expected to fulfil.”
Cass nodded, her voice soft but reassuring as always. “I know what you mean. I think marriage shouldn’t be a sacrifice of one’s individuality, but a partnership that allows both sides to grow and support each other. You don’t think that will be possible with Luke? After all, you’ve been best friends for such a long time.”
I shook my head. “I always thought I would marry for love.”
“I know,” Cass smiled. “Remember how we envisioned what our future husbands would look like?”
“You wanted Darcy!” I teased her, remembering how much she used to love Jane Austen.
“And you wanted to marry Dorian Gray!” she teased me back.
“What?” I playfully defended my insane choice. “He was described as very handsome and very intelligent.”
“And very much in love with himself,” she added, to which we both chuckled cheerfully.
“Oh yeah, I knew there was something that didn’t make him the best choice for a husband,” I added jokingly.
It felt good to laugh, especially after the confusing event from the previous night, which wouldn’t allow me to sleep at all.I hadn’t seen him since then, but I knew he was around. After all, that was what Father was paying him for.
I tried not to think about him at all, but it was impossible. I needed Cass to assure me again that I was doing the right thing, and that feeling confused was to be expected. But before I could start that conversation again, the door suddenly opened.
“Ah, you’re both here,” Luke said, giving us a sideway glance, as if there was something he didn’t catch at first sight. “Is something going on?”
