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“My dearest Helen,
“You speak to my romantic sensibilities. Perhaps you’re that much of a smooth talker. Your charisma certainly leaves nothing to desire. In fact, I would venture a guess that you don’t usually have such difficulties getting attention. Not that you had difficulties getting mine. As you say yourself, it is not as easy as we would like it for us to simply be together. This cat-and-mouse game we willingly play will be the death of me.
“Just yesterday I was thinking of you while we had our monthly patrons’ dinner. I can’t believe it’s been a whole month since you came into my life. Ms. Witherspoon was here, but I did not dare ask about you. I assume that you have not told anyone about us. Although I haven’t mentioned it yet, I prefer thingsthis way. I can’t afford for people to speculate and say things about me. I already pushed boundaries by being so open about my dinners with you.
“When I think that it’s only been a month, I’m both surprised and accepting of it. You and I, Ms. Warner, are people who know exactly what they want and how to go about getting it. We’re practical, aren’t we? Waiting until the time is right. As frustrated as I was with you for leaving me that day, I understand why you did it. I will continue to improve myself until I can fully love you without hesitation.
“Should I use that word? Even though I am a romantic, I am also a sensible woman. ‘Love’ is something we can’t know about until later. I loved too easily the last time I was in a relationship. It was that naiveté that led to me being taken advantage of.
“I’ve been doing some research about you, Ms. Warner. You’re a hard woman to track down on the internet. I like that you’re not a public persona. They can be exhausting to deal with.
“This past week, I decided to start doing some redecorating in my room. You might not recognize parts of it the next time you are here. The decorations are the same, and I have no desire to give up my recently acquired items… I’ve merely started adding a few things here and there. It created a commotion when I had a contractor in here giving me a quote on the work he could do. I haven’t added any crosses, but there is good potential for the hook in the ceiling above my bed. Eventually, I want to convert some of my closet space into a… well, you’ll see once my plan has come to fruition. I think you will like it, assuming I have pegged you as a certain kind of Domme.
“Even though we cannot meet face to face right now, please know that I look forward to every one of your messages. Sometimes I convince myself that this relationship of a sort is completely in my head and that you don’t exist. Perhaps I made you up, after all. A woman I created in my mind because youwere kind to me when so many people weren’t. I fill my heart with images of our life together, like any silly girl in young love would do, but at the end of the day, I see your letters and know that this is real. This is true. One day, when I am ready, you will come to me and give me everything that I crave.
“Or at least I desperately hope so. When you’re in my position, Ms. Warner, hope is all you have.
“Truly yours, Monique.”
“Monique,
“As long as we’re sharing, I confess that I also thought you might have been an illusion. Never before had I seen and spoken with someone as elegant and intelligent as you. I am only more attracted to the fact that you wish to enter that sort of lifestyle with a woman, let alone me. When I think about you, I also convince myself that I have it all in my head and heart. I’m supposed to be a composed woman. I can barely keep myself together in my business meetings, because suddenly my thoughts turn to you, and I am transported to a world where we share our thoughts and make love. I’ve had lovers who entertained me at the dinner table but lacked in the bedroom. In turn, I’ve had lovers who were everything I wanted in bed but bored me to tears outside of it. I believe you could be both and so much more.
“I don’t mean to put pressure on you. It’s how I honestly feel. The sense I get from you is unlike anything I have ever felt before. Rarely does someone make me feel the rush of lust and the intrigue of a new friend at the same time. It’s usually one or the other. It’s funny because I’ve never considered myself someone with a physical type. I’ve found all sorts of peoplephysically beautiful. After knowing you as I do now, however, I can safely say that I think you are my type. Should I never see you again, I would want to eventually find a woman who matches you. Not to replace you, but because I can’t imagine finding any other woman attractive except one who looks like you.
“Is that a strange thing to say? I’m sure it came out the wrong way. I’m sorry, Monique, but when it comes to talking to you, I discover that I suddenly lose my vocabulary and write the arguments of a university freshman who has yet to learn what a thesis statement is. Did I ever tell you that I have an uncle who is a professor at Harvard?
“I, too, look forward to our correspondences. I feel like a kid waiting for the mail every day. Your words, although they do not tell me what I wish to hear, make my evening. I go to sleep thinking of them, and in the morning I am rested after only having good dreams.”
“I hope your business is doing well, and I hope that Sam isn’t giving you any trouble.
“Helen.”
“I disgust myself with how much I think of you.”
“I see you decided to email me. I miss your beautiful handwriting, but this feels delightfully direct.”
“I’m serious, Helen. I’ve become an unnatural creature. You appear in my thoughts even when you have no business doing so. Tonight we had a full house, with a party in almost every room. I could hear one of my employees with her patron when I passed by her room. I don’t know what they were doing to one another, but I could only imagine. Whatever it was, she genuinely enjoyed it. I know the difference between placating moans and real ones. The longer I idled there, listening like a pervert, the more I thought of you and my desire to have you. I almost feel inhuman.”
“If I were there, what would you have me do?”
“No, that’s not how it works. You’re the one who decides.”
“What would I do to you? I’d begin by tying your wrists together, then blindfold you. Make you reliant on your hearing, your skin. I’d disrobe you, moving my hands over your body, exploring every inch of your curves until I know you in ways I never imagined.”
“And then?”
“And then I would bend you over my knee and test your limits for that kind of pain. You’d cry out, but I think you would like it, yes?”
“I do love a good spanking. Then what?”
“I wouldn’t go easy on you, not even the first time. I want to deny myself as much as I want to deny you. I’ll take you to the brink of release again and again, making you beg until I can’t stand it anymore. When I finally unleash myself upon you…”
“For God’s sake, what?”
“Use your imagination.”
Monique didn’t want to use her imagination anymore. She was tired of tossing and turning every night, losing sleep because all she could think about amounted to one of two women.She already dreamed of Jacqueline every night. Sometimes they were the rogue dreams of fancy, the kind that said,“Things could have worked out so much better,”while others turned into absolute nightmares from the onset. The hateful things Jacqueline said to her, the way she treated Monique in public, the way she shut her up in that guarded palace to ensure Monique had no agency. Love had trapped her. No amount of reasoning could have saved her until Jacqueline went out and brought another woman home.
