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I blink at her, confused.
“You collapsed on the set of that drama. I was so worried. I should have been there with you. Instead, I was in Japan, trying to secure more investors, except that wound up fruitless in the end.I’m terrible at everything, aren’t I? A terrible businesswoman, a terrible mother.”
“You’re not!” I say vehemently. “You’re trying so hard. There’s no one I look up to more than you. No one I believe in more.”
Her life has been filled with challenges, from losing her parents at a young age—her wealthy, distant aunt had hired Ajumma to raise her—to becoming an idol, only to have that dream cut short when she became pregnant with me. To think she at least would have a loving family, only for her in-laws to reject her and her husband to abandon her, maybe not legally but in all the ways that matter. She then changed course and put all her time and energy into making this company what it is today, employing so many people, fulfilling the dreams of its artists. I’ve felt frustrated with her, resentful, even, but I’ve never stopped believing in her.
“My sweet girl.” She brings her hand to my face, pressing her fingers to my cheek for a brief, halting moment. “You give me strength. You always have.”
She drops her hand and closes her eyes. “As long as there’s not another fire, I think I can handle this week.”
Another fire.Anotherscandal.
“Can you turn the lights off when you leave? I think I’ll just rest right here for a little bit.”
She’s asleep within minutes. I grab a blanket and pillow from the spare room. I lift her head gently and place the pillow beneath, then cover her with the blanket.
I don’t go directly home but take the bus around the city. To me, Seoul is always beautiful, but there’s something about thecapital at dusk, with the sun banked on the horizon, turning the sky a hazy pinkish-purple, the bright lights of the signboards blurring like watercolors, that makes me think it might be the most beautiful city in the world.
Two years ago, I’d done this very thing, after I had the conversation with my mother that led to my breakup with Nathaniel. As I stare out the window toward the city, I think back to that conversation.
We were in my mother’s office, just the two of us, the XOXO members having gone back to their dorm.
“I contacted the news outlet. They’ve agreed to blur out your photo. You’ll be an ‘unnamed trainee,’” my mother announced.
I’d frowned. “But then Nathaniel will take the brunt of the criticism.”
“Sori, that’s a good thing. A dating scandal with an unnamed trainee is better than a dating scandal with the CEO’s daughter. All the hate would be piled onto you, the more vulnerable target, and I wouldn’t even be able to protect Nathaniel because my name would be tarnished as well, as I allowed this to happen. It should have never happened. I wasn’t careful. This is my fault.”
BULLETIN, the infamous tabloid newspaper, had hinted that they were going to post a dating scandal involving “the lead singer of a popular boyband.” Already, online speculation had concluded that the singer was Nathaniel, and XOXO’s videos were being flooded with comments asking for Joah to expel Nathaniel from the group.
“You two will have to break up.”
I shook my head, unwilling to accept what she was telling me. “But what if Nathaniel and I were to face this together?” Nathaniel had said as much when I’d come to him in tears. That we’d weather the storm, together.
My mother’s eyes turned pitying. “You’re young and in love, so you’re not thinking clearly. I was the same, when...” She didn’t have to finish that sentence,when I married your father. “Don’t you remember what happened when you were in middle school?”
A shiver of fear swept through me, remembering the bullying at school, the comments shouted at my mother, for driving my father into having an affair—for being cold, for being unlovable.
“It would be the same, but ten times worse. People like Nathaniel can throw caution to the wind in grand, romantic gestures, but that’s because they’ve never known what it’s like to be alone. They can bear criticism and censure from the public because they have their families who will support them. You and I don’t have that luxury. We’ve always had to stand on our own.”
She’d been right. Nathaniel only knew a small part of the bullying I endured in middle school, the name-calling and isolation. Because I kept it from him. I wanted to protect him from the awfulness of my life—that shining boy, who always had a smile on his face, who always had a smile for me.
I thought of that time in New York with his family, how different our lives were. He would have them to go back to, without fail, that warm home filled with laughter.
“All we have is each other,” my mother said. “It’s always beenjust the two of us. I can’t bear to see you hurt. I will protect you as best I can, but...”
She’s my mother, but she’s also the CEO of Joah. She has the company to think about, the hundreds of employees whose livelihoods depend upon her. I was racked with guilt. By causing a scandal, I’d jeopardized not only Nathaniel’s career, but her company, everything she’d worked so hard for.
“I know you care for Nathaniel, but sometimes life is about making painful decisions in the present to avoid greater pain later. It’s better to cut things off before your feelings grow any stronger.”
I nodded. Her words sunk into my skin, wrapping around my heart.
“I’m sorry I’m asking this of you. Promise me you’ll break it off?”
Nathaniel wanted to risk everything for love, but that wasn’t reasonable for someone like me, with so much to lose. What if the worst happened and we broke up? He’d have his family, his burgeoning career. XOXO was already so popular. While I’d have hurt my mother’s company, my own chances at a career, and in the end, I’d have been as I was before he came hurtling into my life—bringing with him laughter, friendship, and love—completely and devastatingly alone.
“I promise.”
