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“What’s going on?” he says, and my chest tightens at the pain in his voice. “Why are you with him? Were you really on a date?”
“No. I mean... yes.”
Nathaniel winces. “Is that why you couldn’t come to the launch? Because of him?”
“Yes,” I say, this time definitively.
Nathaniel’s gaze drops away, then it rises to mine, stripped bare. “Sori, I want to understand. If you’re breaking my heart, I need to understand why.”
My eyes are hot, they feel as if they’re burning.
I love him. I can admit that to myself now. I’ve always loved him. I love his voice and I love the way he looks at me. I love his laugh and I love the way he makes me laugh. I love the way I feel when I’m around him, like the days are warmer, the nights more beautiful. I love him so much that it makes me want to throw everything else away, if only to be with him, for one more day, for one more minute, for one more breath.
“It’s not just your heart,” I whisper.
I don’t know who moves first, but I’m suddenly in his arms.
He kisses me as if he can’t breathe without me; I feel the same, wanting,needingto be closer. His hands circle my waist and lift me onto the counter. Our kisses turn frantic; my hands delve into his hair. I feel out of control, like I can’t have enough of him.
I kiss him with all the passion in my heart, showing him,even if I refuse to say it, how much I want him, how much I adore him.
I’m so caught up in Nathaniel that I almost don’t hear it—a knock. I break away from our kiss to hear Donghyun’s voice through the door, “Sori-ssi, are you all right?” He must have come looking for me when I didn’t come back.
Nathaniel’s hands tighten around my waist before they let go. He backs away as I slide from the counter, my dress falling back down around my knees.
“I’m here,” I call back. “I’ll be out in a second.”
“Sori,” Nathaniel whispers, just my name.
I shake my head. “What would have happened if Donghyun had walked in on us? It would ruin everything. It could, if he suspects anything.”
Nathaniel drags a hand through his mussed hair. “I’m sorry. I saw him, with you, and I didn’t... I wasn’t thinking.”
“Neither of us think clearly when we’re together. This was a mistake.”
He looks at me, stricken by my words. “You don’t mean that.”
He thinks I’m just upset because of the threat of a scandal. He doesn’t know it’s more than that.
Every scandal he can walk away from, more or less unscathed, beloved by his fans, with the support of his members and family to fall back on, but not me, and not the people I love. Scandals for my family destroy us, have destroyed us.
I forget that when I’m with him.
“Sori...”
“Please, let me go.”
As if hearing me through heavy fog, he steps back.
I bury my feelings, until the only evidence of them is the smarting of my eyes. Walking past Nathaniel, I open the door and slip through, hoping Cha Donghyun can believe whatever lie comes out of my mouth.
Thirty-three
On Friday, I head over to Joah to bring my mother her favorite pair of shoes. They’re an old pair of champagne-colored pumps with worn heels, which don’t even fit her properly, but they had belonged tohermother. She’d worn them on her wedding day, and now she wants to wear them tomorrow at the EBC Awards, when she accepts the Trailblazer Award in front of all her peers. Ajumma had wrapped the shoebox carefully in a bojagi, folding the silk wrapping end over end. I cradle the shoebox in my lap on the bus ride over, as if I’m carrying something precious, because I am.
In my mother’s office, I place the package on her desk, then I raise the blinds to let in the light. Down below, a few fans linger outside the building, taking photos with the Joah Entertainment sign. The new building under construction is even more impressive, with a café that will be open to the public on the weekends and a museum and gift shop.
My phone chirps in my pocket, and I take it out to see that I have a text from Jenny. It’s a photo of her unpacked suitcase in the middle of her bedroom floor. She’s back home in Los Angeles.
