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“Agreed. There’s only one thing that would have made it better.”
“What’s that?”
“If I had been home with you, Rhys, and Henry all day.”
I smiled. “Fair argument. I can’t believe he’s taking steps on his own now. Before you know it, he’s going to be running all over the place.”
Banks groaned. “How can something that makes me so happy to see make me feel so sad at the same time?”
“Because he’s your baby, and you don’t want him to grow up,” I reasoned. “Time’s a thief. It’s going by so fast.”
“It feels like he was just a newborn, and now he’s getting ready to walk.”
There was a bit of sorrow in Banks’s tone. The last thing I wanted to do was add to it, but there was something that had been on my mind for quite some time, particularly afterthings got serious, and I moved in with him. I started thinking more and more about my future, and if I put off talking to him about this any longer, I might have been setting myself up for disaster.
“Do you want more?”
“What?”
“Children. Do you think you want more children one day?” I asked.
Banks went silent. If I was honest, it terrified me. I could imagine the thoughts he had going through his mind, and while I could understand the fear he might have had, I also knew this was a conversation we needed to have.
“I always wanted more than one,” he admitted. “But things took a turn I never expected. I won’t lie and say I don’t want Rhys to have a sibling, but I need to be honest and tell you that the thought of it terrifies me.”
I closed my eyes and nodded slowly.
“Do you want children?” he asked me.
I didn’t hesitate to open my eyes and respond. “I do.”
Banks allowed his eyes to roam over my face for a long time. I could see everything in his expression, a mix of emotions he wasn’t even remotely close to getting a handle on sorting through.
Not wanting him to feel any worse or create more turmoil for him, I spoke. “I understand where your mind is, Banks. I’d never expect you to endure something you can’t handle in your heart. But I have to be honest with you, too. I want to be a mom. It’s one of the things I’ve always wanted. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love Rhys. God, I don’t think I could love him more if he was mine. I want that experience, though.”
Banks continued to stare at me, a battle being waged inside him.
I couldn’t handle it, so I went on. “Maybe we should have talked to each other about this sooner than now. Feelings have gotten involved, and it would be terribly difficult to walk away from you, but you need to know how I feel.”
“Darling, I can’t lose you,” he rasped.
I lifted my hand to the side of his face and cupped his cheek. This was it. This was what I knew he was worried about. He was terrified that I’d suffer the same way Violet did.
“I understand. I should have said something sooner.” It felt like the weight of the world had settled on my shoulders.
“What would that have changed?” he asked.
Shaking my head slightly against the pillow, I replied, “It might not have made things any easier for us, but at least we wouldn’t have gotten to this point. I certainly wouldn’t have moved in with you.”
“I don’t think you understand, Lamise.”
“I do. I get it.”
“No, you don’t. Because if you understood what I meant when I said I can’t lose you, you’d know that I meant I can’t lose you at all. I told you I was going to love you differently. I can’t change the things I didn’t recognize in the past, but I can be sure they don’t happen in the future. Does it terrify me? Of course, it does. But I want you, and I want you to be happy. If you want babies, darling, I’ll give them to you.”
The ache that had formed in my chest and the pain in my throat were gone, replaced by warmth and an overwhelming sense of hope. “Really?”
“I think I’d like to wait a little bit before we make that happen, but yes, really.”
