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Does it surprise me that people are still talking about me after all this time, that they feel I'm still a danger?
No, it doesn’t.
“I also know from meeting you and spending time with you that all those stories are utter bullshit.” Nadine sighs, taking my hand.
Stories, I bet. I heard a few circling around myself, twisted and fabricated to paint me in the worst possible light. It doesn't matter; they were proven wrong. I was cleared of all charges, but those stories still float around because people are too quick to believe a lie.
“Did you love her?” she pries.
Vomit rushes up to my mouth, and I swallow it back.
“I don't really know her anymore.” And it's the truth. I once knew Holly, but that was years ago. We are different people now. On that fact alone, I should let her go, walk away and start fresh with Nadine. Perhaps, I need closure. Maybe I can suggest Holly and I meet up to talk it out, then I can say goodbye to the possibility of us reconnecting for good.
My heart stutters with fear.
I don’t want closure. I want her, Holly goddam Matthews.
“It was a long time ago. I didn’t expect to ever see her again, and now I have, it's come rushing back. It was a really dark time in my life, and I thought I could put it to rest and then she’s suddenly back. I don't know what bothers me more,” I say raggedly, shocked that I have opened up as much as I have. Maybe I think I love Holly, the Holly I once knew. I don’t know this version of her. They might look the same, or more beautiful,but I could find that by getting to know her that I don’t love her. Fuck, maybe I need to confront our past and lay it to rest, because I can't love someone I don't know, or base my future on a woman I used to know and give up something that has been good for me. Nadine has been good for me.
I sound like a pussy.
“Does it matter which?” Nadine says. “Both bother you and maybe you need to have it out with her, say your bit, let her say hers, then walk away, like she did. She left you, Cam, left you to deal with hell. She ran and left you to pick up the pieces, so it makes sense you're so mad.” She leaves her chair and straddles me and cups my face. She’s a lot more confident around me recently.
I finally had my life on track, then Holly waltzes back in and starts the gossip train back up. Looking all innocent and demure whilst I get painted the lying piece of shit again. A pained sigh leaves me, and when I look up, Nadine is staring at me, her soft hands comforting me, supporting me. Holly had never done that and even with the lies hanging over me, Nadine had still taken a chance on me, was still taking that chance. Risking her own reputation. Was I really about to throw that away for a woman I don’t know, a woman who runs?
Absolutely not.
“Come inside, we can talk.”
“I don't want to talk. I'm done talking,” I admit roughly.
“Then let's go inside and forget everyone else for a bit,” Nadine pants, her fingers sliding into my hair. That's what I do, or try to do, because no matter how loud I make her cry out or how sexy she looks squirming beneath me every now and then, a flicker of Holly jolts through me and I’m back in my teens, having the most unexpected and incredible sex ever.
Nadine is snoozing lightlybeside me, while my thoughts are lost somewhere between now and the past. Did Holly think I had moved on? I twist my head to look at Nadine. The sex has always been good, it's great. She's fun and cute and all my friends like her, and before this week, there was nothing stopping me from taking things further with her.
Now, doubt is plaguing me. A secret part of me wants to rewind the clock and just watch Holly saunter back into my life with her gorgeous little girl. I want to walk up to her and kiss her hard in front of the world and declare she is mine, and that I won her back. I imagine she would slap me on the spot. The thought makes me hard. I head to the bathroom and flick the shower on. My cock is already thick and dripping with precum and I do the one thing I haven't done in years; I jack off to Holly Matthews, beautiful, shy Holly Matthews. I get lost in the past, drunk on the memory of her mouth on my cock, her hot tongue swirling shyly and her small hands trembling on my thighs. Her sweet body knelt before me, eager, trusting. So fucking perfect as she bobs her head, sucking and moaning as I jut my cock to the back of her throat. I come undone with a guttural cry, staggering forward as I paint the tiles. Groaning in satisfaction, I grip my cock and suck in a deep breath, willing my heart to slow. Eventually, I snap the shower off. I drag a hand down my face and curse myself for giving in to her memory. Pulling a towel off the rail, I wrap it around my hips and step out of the ensuite. I find Nadine sleeping soundly, innocent and unaware I was fucking another woman in my mind. I'm a bastard. I drop in the chair and watch her for some time. I can’t have Holly. That ship has sailed, collided with a lie and become shipwrecked. I make a mental pact there and then to make a go of things with Nadine. She stirs and I stand, making my way to her. She blinks, sees me and smiles happily. I tug the quilt and drop my towel. Nadine moans and crawls across the mattress towards me, and I smirk.
Holly ruined what we had. She chucked it away and believed what her insecurity wanted her to see. Nadine would never do that. I’d be stupid to fuck this up with her. She deserves so much more than my indecisiveness and past. I’ve not wanted to make love to a woman in all these years, but I can do that for this woman. She kneels up, and I pick her up so she is perched just shy of my cock. “Hey.” I grin at her shy smile.
“Hey, yourself.” Her full breasts rub over my chest, and I block all other thoughts out.
When I wake late, I find I'm alone in bed. I pull on some boxers and go downstairs looking for Nadine, who’s standing by the kettle waiting for it to boil. The sound drowns my footsteps out so I slip my arms around her stomach, chuckling when she jumps.
“Cam!” she mutters and twists, looking up at me. Her eyes carry that same cautiousness from yesterday, but I don’t want her to have those thoughts. I tuck a strand of hair away and lean in, pecking her lips. “Morning.” She sighs.
“Morning.” Grinning, I cup her face and go back in for another kiss. I sweep my tongue in, deepening it, and press myself into her. “Last night was…” I chuckle at seeing her blush, then pull back and smile. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
Her gaze softens, and she presses her mouth to mine. “Thank you for not giving me up.” She clears her throat, keeping her eyes downcast.
I lift her chin. I need her to believe that was never an option. I don’t want us to go into this with doubts. I vowed to myself I would give this woman what she deserves, and that's the best version of me, a version that puts her first. “That was never going to happen. It’s in the past, and you turning up last night made me realise you're my future.” Cupping her face, I lean in and kiss her softly. “I know we’ve not discussed it, and we agreed to keep things simple, but I don't want that.” When I first approachedNadine, it was with the intent of fun. I told her as much and she held up her end of the bargain without complaint.
“You don’t?” Panic enters her voice, and I shake my head at her.
“No, I don't want tojust have funwith you. I mean, we can have plenty of fun, but I like the direction we’re going in,” I admit, pressing myself into her as the kettle clicks off.
“And what direction is that?”
“Are you going to make me say it?” I laugh.
