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She could have been mine.
She was supposed to be mine.
When we began dating all those years ago, there was never any doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t marry Holly and have a family with her. With a shuddering breath, I look to Holly, who is ready to explode. Does she wonder what our life could have been like if Sarah Daniels had never happened? Does she hear an old song and think of the nights we hung out together, or our first kiss, our first night together?
I can see how vulnerable Holly feels with me holding her daughter and it reminds me of that night, how vulnerable and beautiful she was.
“She’s in triage,” she says and holds her arms out for Beau.
“No,” Beau whines. “I want to be next to Grace.” She takes her friend's little hand.
“It’s fine,” I assure Holly, but the withering glare she gives me tells me it is not fine that I am holding her daughter. “I could hardly say no.”
“Where’s Jeremy?” Dan asks, looking around. I'm hoping the stuck-up twat has gone.
“He is with Emily,” Holly says flippantly.
“Holly, it really was an accident, I can’t go into details because, well”—he points to Grace—“ears. I thought she was someone else, someone not trustworthy. I was genuinely concerned.”
Holly frowns and chews her lip. “She can’t put any weight on it,” she says and looks back across the room. “We’re sitting over here.” I follow her, and Beau giggles when I jiggle her about.
“Did you like the film?” I ask her softly.
“I like the moosick,” she tells me, and I laugh. This kid is adorable.
“Yeah, I liked the moosick too.” I sit her down with me. Holly is watching me like a hawk. Her eyes are tight, her face drawn. She isn’t happy about me holding Beau. “Do you want to get down?” I offer, but she shakes her head.
“Grace is sad.”
“A little, but she is happy you are here.”
“Her daddy shouted,” she whispers, her hands grasping my collar. I smile at her beautiful little face, and for a minute allow myself to believe the impossible. That she is mine. Our daughter. I look over to Holly, but she snaps her head away.
Dan finally takes a seat next to me, and Grace smiles at Beau. “You okay?” I ask her, and she nods, holding on to her dad. “Do you want to come home with me?” I ask, but she shakes her little head and turns, shoving her nose into Dan’s neck once more.
“Why did he shout?” Beau asks me, cupping my face and pulling it round to her. Her hair is a mess, and she has frosting in the corner of her mouth.
“He got scared. Sometimes, when we get scared, we shout,” I offer quietly.
“Like you shout at Mummy?” Beau frowns. Guilt plagues me.
“I didn’t mean to do that, I'm sorry,” I whisper and sigh deeply when Beau yawns into my neck.
“It smells funny,” Beau says loudly, and a few people look around. Holly goes red and groans into her hand, making Dan and I chuckle. The hospital is clean and shiny, the A&E department was recently done up and has new chairs and equipment. The place smells naturally of a hospital.
“That's because they need the place to be super clean because sick people come here.”
“And babies are borned!” Beau chimes in. Opportunity flashes before my eyes. I glance at Holly, but she’s looking over her shoulder for Emily.
“Yes, that’s right, your mummy and daddy will have been in the hospital with you,” I say gruffly, rubbing her back when she snuggles into my body. My chest aches and I know it’s because I love this little girl already, just how I love Grace. She’s sweet and innocent and bloody adorable. No matter the distance between Holly and I, there is no shortage of love for Beau. I realise I want to be in this child's life.
“I don't have a daddy; I was a special gift.” What is it with this gift thing? I frown and find Holly watching me closely. I’ve lost my window to delve deeper. Fuck! I give her a small smile, and she scoffs.
She stands and moves over to take Beau from me. “Beau, come here.” She holds her hands out, and Beau moves into her mum’s arms.
“I'm a gift.” Beau smiles at me. “From the dough hur.”
Holly glares at me with venom in her eyes.
