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“This one.” She squiggles another, but I can't see as she leans in the way.
“Star.”
“Can we go in the sea again?” Grace yawns.
“Maybe in the morning, let's order takeaway and then we can chill with a movie and popcorn.”
“Not Uni-Cornelius,” I beg. Whichever douche made a film based in a university, about a unicorn called Cornelius needs putting to fucking sleep.
“But he’s my favourite!” Grace defends. She knows I hate it. What's worse is it’s not animated; it’s some pillock dressed as a unicorn clip clopping his sad arse around the university grounds talking about shit too advanced for kids her age.
“What about Beauty and the Beast?” Dan mentions, and Grace’s eyes spark up. Thank fuck for that.
“Not off the hook,” I mutter.
An hour later, we are all splayed out in the living room, watching the movie. Grace is whispering along to the songs, and I smile. I wonder if Beau likes this movie. She’s sensitive, so I bet the beast scares her. I frown and shake my thoughts away. Nothing to do with me what she does and doesn’t like. Holly made sure it was nothing to do with anyone when she got herself a donor and became an incubator for a child who has no father. I’m being pig-headed. I’m blind with jealousy.
The father was supposed to be me.
I barely recognise the person she was, but knowing she raised her daughter alone, braved motherhood single-handedly, reminds me of how selfless and strong she is. Grace wriggles free and walks to the centre of the living room with a blanket draped around her shoulders as she watches the TV and dances to the songs.
“Want to talk about it?” I say to Dan.
“Night of stupidity.”
“Why are you so bothered, then?”
Dan glares at the screen and I give him the time to work through his thoughts before he twists sharply and hisses under his breath so Grace can’t hear, “Because I wanted another night and then maybe another.”
“So you like her then?” This is good news. I like Emily, plus she worked at the summer club. She’s good with children and Grace likes her. Win-win.
“I wouldn’t go that far; she’s fiery and fun.”
“You like her,” I tell him simply. “Welcome to my world.” Ha! For once, I'm not alone in all this.
“Your world is shit. I don't want to be in your world.”
“Thanks, pal, don’t hold back or anything. Say what you really mean.” I scoff.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“You did.” I smile despite how it needles my gut, knowing what he thinks.
“What are we, married now?” Dan smirks. We always say that when things are getting a little too personal, and it makes me chuckle. He sighs and looks at me earnestly. “You don’t want help, won't accept help, but you need it, Cam.” My friend shrugs unapologetically. “You absolutely need to talk to Holly and finally move on, with or without her.”
Grace pads back over and climbs in his lap.
“I know.” I stare blankly at the TV. “I will when we get home. I just need these few days to think about things.”
The following morning,I wake up and head out the back. The beach is quiet, and with the tide out, I run along the shore. I stand tall and drag in the cleansing sea air. Being here is like a ritual. Once we’ve arrived, we mentally detox and return home better men. I hit the sand at a fast pace and a woman jogging towards me gives me a flirtatious smile, but I drop my head and power on, hitting the sand harder and faster. I run until I'm sweating furiously and my heart is begging for escape. Exercise became my vice during the trial, and I kept it up because for a few hours each day, I was able to forget. I run for a few miles, then turn round and run back to the beachfront cottage.
It’s still dark inside, so I catch my breath out on the decking and stare at the property. Each time I come here, I always speculate what I could have achieved had my life not taken a huge nosedive. I'm so proud of Dan and everything he has. He worked hard to build his business up, and the cottage he bought a few years back is a getaway for him and Grace. I have money,but I have nothing to spend it on other than doing up the house back in Richmond. Maybe I can look into investing some of it into a coastal property?
“Morning,” Dan yawns when I walk in.
“Hey, man. Is Grace still asleep?”
“Sea air.” He grins.
