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“I can check.” We leave Beau’s room, and I follow Holly downstairs. She begins closing the curtains and turning on theodd lamp as she makes her way to the kitchen and into the pantry. She turns with her nose scrunched. “I have this. It’s cold but not fridge cold.” Shrugging, I take it from her, twisting off the cap. “Just going to make myself a drink.” She swallows and yanks down a wineglass and fills it to the rim. I want to laugh, but I'm experiencing the same sense of doom too and it’s not funny.
“Where do you want to sit?” I ask.
“Through there.” She points to the lounge. I'm nearest, so I move that way and take a spot on the sofa. Holly chooses the armchair.
Clearing my throat, I tilt my head and say, “Before we start, what happened between Emily and Dan today?”
“He…well, he was.” Holly blushes and frowns down at her hands. “Sex. He wanted sex.” I burst out laughing. “Em tried to shoo him with the mop.” She laughs. “It was so funny.”
“I bet. He likes her.”
“I know. She’s being cautious,” Holly tells me.
“Wes?” I ask, and she nods. God, this is strange. Our conversation is so jilted and full of feigned politeness. She gives me a strained smile, and I can see like me, there is so much she wants to say, but not everything is worth saying anymore. Not after this amount of time. I don’t know whether defeat has claimed me, but I feel a ton lighter and I know once I walk out of this door, my life will begin again. I'm resolute in that.
Holly stares at me with wariness. Twice, she opens her mouth to say something, but each time she sucks in a nervous breath and grits her jaw. “I hated you for years,” I admit in a pained croak. Her eyes snap to mine. Hurt. “I hated that I still loved you too. That night, Cole’s cousin had come to Richmond with his mates and they spiked our drinks. A toxicology report proved that we were all under the influence of a substance. None of us had agreed to take it.”
Holly’s hand cups her throat, and she holds my gaze keenly. But there is a world of sadness there too.
“I went upstairs to lie down. I didn't feel good, and I was worried that if you saw me in that state, you’d leave me.”' She gives me a sad smile because we both know it’s the truth. This is the part I hate with every fibre of my being. It’s as if any thought or mention of it chips a small part of the already broken me away. “I woke up to Sarah undressing me and…” I swallow a groan of shame. It’s like her hands are on me all over again. I feel tainted. Vulnerable. “My body reacted even though my mind was repulsed. I was semi coherent but had little to no control over my body,” I force out through gritted teeth. “That is the only thing I will ever be sorry for, but the rest was never on me. I fought her off as much as I could. Tried to call for help. Holly, when you walked through that door, all I could think was,finally, someone is here to help me.”
Holly flies from her chair and her dainty arms envelope me. “I'm sorry.” I cripple in her hold, shuddering out a long breath. When I cry, she stiffens and sobs louder. Our tears tangle like our hearts have been all these years. So much pain. No one can come back from that.
“I was trying to push her off, but my limbs felt like weak poles,” I whisper, fisting her hair and keeping my face hidden. I don't want her to see me like this.
Gripping my shirt, she buries her head in my chest and shakes it sadly. “I know.”
What! And she never came back for me? I snap back, disgusted.
Panicked hands grip my thighs. “No!” she cries, realising her mistake. “Listen, I know thatnow. I…I couldn’t think about that night, but I made myself go back to that night and she was on top. I remember that. I can picture you trying to swing your arm, but my brain didn’t compute any of that.” She sobs, pressing herlips together to detain another wail. “I didn’t want to believe it because I could never understand why someone like you wanted to be with someone like me.” Her eyes beg me to understand. Hearing her insecurities cripples me now as much as it did then. Nothing I said would placate her, and Sarah’s actions that day were the nail in the coffin for Holly. It was the physical proof she needed to confirm her doubt.
I had no doubt about my love for her.
Because she had made me a better person, what had at first been lust and curiosity soon catapulted into an obsession and then quickly love. “I think I stayed in Richmond all of these years because I knew, at some point, you would return, and it was the final step in my grieving process,” I continue. I have no idea what she wants to say to me. What do you say to someone when you discover you were wrong after all this time? “Seeing you at the fair that day was like lighting a firework in a closed box. Everything came to the surface, and I realised I hadn't dealt with it all like I thought I had. And I need to, so this is me dealing with it,” I admit shakily. “Taking control of my trauma. I never understood what my therapist meant by that, but I do now.”
Surprise flits across her face. I offer her a smile and shrug a shoulder lightly. I had a therapist. What does she expect? I was barely an adult and my life fragmented, in the most horrific way.
“I don't feel like there are enough words to express how sorry I am.” Small hands lift my larger and rougher ones. Holly dips her head and kisses my clenched fist. “I'm sorry for doubting you and myself. Sorry for leaving, for not coming back sooner. I'm truly sorry I wasn't there to support you.” She lifts her head, and as soon as she sees my tears, she bursts into another round of sobs. “Oh god.” She shakes her head. “Cameron, you may never forgive me, but I will do whatever you need to help you through this. Whatever you want.”
I cup her face and give her a mournful smile. “You don’t need to do anything. You came home, and I needed that more than I ever realised. It gave me the push I needed to finally lay this all to rest. I stayed because I needed to have this moment with you. You’re the only woman I loved, and losing you in that way only added to the trauma of Sarah and my parents cutting me off. Now, I can let go. I’ve decided to let go of you and Richmond.”
Her eyes widen. Regret and disagreement swim through her pain. She doesn’t want to lose me, but I’ve finally come to recognise I never found myself after everything happened.
“You’re leaving?” She snaps out my hold. “Cameron, I don't want you to leave because of me!”
“I'm not. I'm leaving for me. I’ve put an offer in for a place by the coast. I’ll be renting my house out, and Dan has plenty of space if I ever want to visit.”
She stares at me, astonished. “I don’t know what to say.” She sniffs. “I thought we could…I don't know, try to be friends.” Beautiful eyes plead with me.
“I could never bejustyour friend, and I know you haven't moved on and met someone because of what you thought I did.” I rub her hand with my thumb. She drops her head and I sigh. “You used a donor to gain a child because you were too scared to love again. Holly, that's not normal,” I whisper. “I don't want to watch some other guy father Beau when we made all these plans. I know it was years ago, but my life has been at a standstill since then, and sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday when we were sneaking off to make out behind Grayson’s barn.” She chuckles sadly.
“I know. And you're right, I haven’t let myself move on because I was heartbroken. Apparently for no reason. What a stupid idiot I was, huh?”
“Stupid and most beautiful idiot.” I wink and stare at her face for a long time. She does mine too. Cataloguing. “I doforgive you, Holly. We were young, and it wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself, I can see it in your eyes.”
“If I had just come home…” she whispers.
“Then you would have had to face the wrath of the village and all the hell that followed. It’s taken me until now to realise, but I would never want that for you. Not really.” I sit back and her hands drop away. Holly leans in and wipes my cheeks dry.
