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I'm going crazy. My head is a concoction of inaccurate thoughts and desperation. Then there's the guilt, guilt my friends have slowly but surely dampened down. Shame they have helped push away so I no longer felt the sickening burn of dread in my stomach because of one disgusting moment I had no control over. Guilt that had buddied up with a loss so profound I had tasted it daily for the last decade. I thought I had mastered how to forget it, but I could feel it all coming back. Haunting me.
“Are you okay?” Nadine asks.
No, the love of my life witnessed me kissing you, and for the second time, it felt wrong to do so. I don't want to be a prick to yet again another woman, and I don't want to break her heart, but I don’t know if I can be with her. Not now that Holly is back.
The thought rushes to the forefront of my mind far too quickly for my liking.
Dan had phoned me late last night. He knew where my head was at, and he told me I had a good thing going, that Holly being back didn't change anything, but for me, everything has changed. This could be it for me. I could finally get my woman back, finally be at peace. I doubt peace would ever find me, not with the curdling anger biting into my chest. Nadine is a decentwoman and I feel like the world's biggest tool for wanting to drop her just because my ex is back. An ex that won't look at me or even talk. An ex that has grown even more beautiful over the years. She still has an innocent aura about her. Her blonde hair and shy eyes have my heart lancing with pain each time I catch sight of her. She's incredible and her daughter is this miniature little clone of her. I envy and hate Beau’s father.
What does she even see in him?
Holly Matthews is undeniably gorgeous, but she has this fragile quality about her, which makes her look petite and vulnerable, and it makes me hot as fuck.
“Hey?” Nadine calls again.
“Yeah, sorry, worrying about the weather. I need to finish the decking,” I lie.
“I can help. I'm not sure I will be of much use, but I can pass you a hammer.” Her smile is cheeky, and I allow one of my own to fall free. She's a good woman. Even though I can think of nothing else but Holly.
Holly who is taken.
Holly who has a child.
My Holly.
My chest hollows because the truth is she has moved on and is back in Richmond, she’s settled and happy. She has a beautiful daughter and no matter how much I am willing to tear a path through the entire village to get to her, I can’t have her. Worst of all, I want her to suffer like she made me suffer. The terrified and broken teen in me wants to take a hold of Holly and never let go, yet another and more unhinged part of me wants to roar out years of anger, frustration and disgust at how quickly she walked away from me.
Nadine and I head away from the memorial, and it takes every ounce of willpower not to look back over my shoulder at Holly’s premises. I knew someone had taken over the old bakery,but I had no idea it was Holly. I glance back once more as I place Nadine’s hand securely in mine and walk away from the one woman who I felt at one point gave me a purpose.
Holly isn't there like I hoped. Just like when she had disappeared and no amount of begging her father had helped me find her. My head was such a mess back then, and with everything going on with Sarah, I didn't look hard enough. I was heartbroken, a wreck, and going through the nightmare most people only ever read about. I clear my throat and try to dispel the growing nausea. I promised this lady lunch and I will give it to her.
Several hours later, I drop Nadine at her place and head home to finish the decking. The sun's out and I want to make the most of it. Need to. I crave solitude, need physical exertion to keep my thoughts at bay. Working hard into the evening, sweat pours off my skin, but it won’t keep the anger or guilt away. I ponder over how Holly must have felt these years, how justified she must believe she is, and her avoidance after accusing me of sleeping with Sarah when she couldn’t be farther from the truth, or how dishonest I’m being with Nadine. But mostly, there is this anger. Anger at Holly for thinking so little of me, for never giving me a chance to explain, for leaving me to deal with the hell that followed that night. Anger at myself for wanting a woman I can’t have with a need that is eclipsing everything else. I slug and hammer away, throwing wood about, not caring who I disturb with the noise. I want to hurt something, roar. I feel cheated and a laughingstock all in one, like some sick entity from above is watching me squirm now Holly is back and enjoying the aerial view.
With a heave, I launch a sawed end of wood onto the growing pile, and itthunkson the ground and Nadine’s voice jolts me out of my spiralling thoughts. “Easy now.” She laughs nervously. Ilook back at her in shock, not expecting anyone to come by. She eyes me cautiously. “Hey.” She smiles.
I stand and wipe my brow, drenched in sweat and not liking the sudden scrutiny I’m placed under. “Sorry, I was in my own world.”
She knows something is up, but I can't admit what. When she looks at me, I nod her over. She comes like I knew she would, and as soon as she is in reach, I pull her and slant my mouth over her startled lips. As she sighs, I clench my eyes tight, forcing the image of Holly out of my mind. I need to forget her, like I had done before. I need to forget that anything is wrong with me.
Holly flashes through my mind, and I kiss Nadine more aggressively, forcing the image of my ex away. She gasps, and I push her against the fence, lifting her quickly.
My mind is screaming for any memory of Holly to go away. “Fuck.” I concentrate on kissing Nadine.
“Cam, it's okay,” she murmurs, her soft hand gliding up my arm and to my neck. Her wide eyes are begging for me to open up to her. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “Something happened the other day, and it brought back a lot of bad memories,” I admit, pecking at her neck and avoiding her gaze.
“With Holly, you mean?”
Shit, I stop and pull back slowly, lowering her to her feet. What the hell does she know? I look at her in shock.
“Kerry told me you guys had history and that it was pretty bad. I figured something was up and I put two and two together,” she whispers, looking awkward and worried.
For herself or me? I don't know.
My shoulders sag. “It’s not what you think.” It’s exactly what she thinks and then some.
“Okay.” Her trusting voice sends a blade of guilt through me. Sighing, I drop down into the chair on the wrap-around, andshe takes the other. “I don't know what happened, and you don't have to tell me anything, but I care about you, Cam. A lot,” she admits on a soft breath. “I'm not giving up on you,” she adds stoically. “I'd heard the stories about you. Some even warned me away, and I knew what I was getting into with you.”
