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I was sick of these walls, of the thoughts in my head—and I was sick of myself. Most of all, I was sick of people like Cooper and Marcus, who felt the need to tell me how I should live my life.
Anger, an emotion I’d largely avoided, felt good. It warmed me from the inside and out and suddenly, after feeling rudderless, I felt like I had a new direction. I had no clue where it was taking me, but I was about to find out.
Once I had my realization, I was too excited to sleep. I took a long, luxurious bath and took my time fixing myself up for no particular reason other than wanting to look good.
By the time the sun rose, my hair had dried and fell to my shoulders in soft waves. I had on minimal makeup, and for once I didn't look like a scared raccoon despite my lack of sleep. I retired the yoga pants and ratty t-shirts in favor of a sundress I haven't worn since before I met Marcus. When the boxes Tess packed for me arrived, I'd wondered why she would pack something like that, it wasn't like I would need it.
But today, I now know Tess had packed it hoping I would get myself out of this funk. I slipped on the cotton dress with a smocked bust that hugged my curves, and I enjoyed the feel of the loose skirt swirling around my thighs. Impulsively, I twirled around like I had when I was a girl in a new dress and laughed.
"Well, I am a girl in a practically new dress," I smiled to myself in the mirror hung on the bathroom door.
I gathered up my bag and headed out, intending to stay out much longer than the rushed trips I’ve been making into town as of late.
I strolled towards the main drag, where practically anything a person could need in Hanalei could be found.
For the first time since I’d arrived, I kept my head up, so I saw when people waved and smiled.
Without a destination in mind, I found myself in front of the General Store, which seemed only appropriate. Mahina’s was one of the few businesses that was already open and I was grateful because otherwise, I would be wandering around town looking like a doofus.
"Good morning," Mahina called out from the back.
"Good morning," I sang back, and then I saw her head pop up from behind the counter. "Haley? You're a sight for sore eyes this morning," she said, smiling and looking at me carefully.
On a whim, I twirled for her, which made her laugh. "Yes, well, the yoga pants and t-shirts are at the dry cleaners so I had to put this thing on," I told her happily.
She grinned broadly. "Well, if you ask me, you should leave those yoga pants and t-shirts at the dry cleaners. You're too pretty to cover all that up... wait until Cooper gets a load of you in that little number."
I felt my smile tighten but informed her soundly, "I'm not dressing for anybody but myself these days."
She clapped her hands together. "Atta girl, the sooner we figure that out, the more peaceful our lives are. Now, what can I do for you today?"
I looked at her and then I looked around the store, realizing I hadn't come with a list, so I stood there waiting for inspiration to strike. "I think I can find it on my own, but if you need me, I'll be in your art supply section," I told her giving her a small wave asI headed to the opposite side of the store setting my eyes on the aisle I hadn't bothered to visit since I'd been back.
Once upon a time I’d spent a good chunk of my summer days sitting in this aisle dreaming up what I could do with the various items. Nothing was fancy—this is just a General Store, after all. But to my young, burgeoning artist self, I'd seen a world of possibility in that small section of paint, brushes and canvases.
I snatched up a basket from the end of the aisle and started shoveling everything I could find into that basket, anticipating the cash I would get for hocking my wedding dress.
I suppose if I was wise, I would save that money, but at the moment, it seemed like I was doing the best thing possible with it—purchasing the healing medicine my soul desired.
Mahina gave me a conspiratorial look when I hefted my basket, full of goodies, onto the counter.
"Looks like somebody has some plans," she said.
I shook my head, "Yeah... not really. I'm just going to throw something on that canvas and see what sticks."
For a moment, I thought she was going to reach across the counter to hug me which would’ve been completely out of character for her, but she resisted and told me, "You go do that, and don't let anybody tell you what it's supposed to look like."
I dropped my voice and raised my eyebrow. "Just let them try."
After I left the General Store, I wandered down to the farmer's market. It was typically bigger on the weekends, but even during the week, there were consistently half a dozen vendors.
I thought I would pick up some fruit to attempt a still life in a bowl. It was overdone sure, but it was a start. I hadn't picked up a brush in months—and cleaning up the brushes from my students didn't count.
I enjoyed being out in the early morning breeze, and it was fun to talk to the people running the stands. One woman, Evelyn,was eager to talk to someone new. "You're not from around here, are you? I would remember you. You're different," she said.
"My parents and I used to vacation here during the summers, and I needed to get away, so I came back," I explained to her.
She looked at me more carefully, then nodded sagely. "It's because of a man, isn't it?"
