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I craned my neck to look him in the eye and shrugged.
The back of his hand struck across my check, knocking my face into the wooden underside of the staircase. My skin burned with shame but the edges were tinged with something resembling triumph and relief. Finally, I didn’t have to live a lie anymore. We were all operating under the pretence that we were a happy, modern family, but that couldn’t have been furtherfrom the truth. I knew the second I told Mum he’d hit me, he’d be out on his arse. This was, after all, our home, not his.
A little piece of my heart broke for Mum as I climbed the stairs. She would be devastated. Not for her relationship with Jeff, but for her failure, yet again, to pick a decent man to fill Dad’s shoes. She’d be a mess for days, maybe even weeks. But if it meant getting that toxic man out of our lives, it would be worth it. I could defer university for a year while I got us back on our feet, got Mum some help for her headaches. It would all be okay. I’d have to hold on to that thought while she processed the news her husband had just hit her daughter.
I heard the TV in the living room come to life again as I pushed open the door and saw Mum’s form breathing softly beneath the bedclothes. I walked round the bed and perched on the edge resting a hand on her shoulder. Slowly, she opened one eye and groaned.
“I’m sorry, Mum. Is it another bad one?”
She nodded once and closed her eye. I ran my fingers along her scalp, just as she did to me when I was small.
“I’m just going to speak, okay? You don’t have to talk back, or react, or do anything that makes your headache worse. But I can’t go all night without telling you this, and I think you would want to know.”
She let loose another light grown which I took to mean I should go ahead.
“Jeff just hit me, Mum.”
Mum’s breathing stuttered and both her eyes opened. They were glazed but still managed to pierce me with feeling.
I reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. “I’m so sorry.”
She continued to stare at me, unblinking.
“I didn’t provoke him, Mum, I promise. Not that it matters,” I added with almost a laugh.
Mum’s eyes registered no emotion.
“You know how Penelope Ross has been bullying me ever since I started sixth form? And how I’ve just kept my head down and tried to ignore it?” I heard myself rambling and, on some level, wondered why I felt the need to explain myself. “Well, today she went too far and I… Well, I lost it.”
Mum nodded her head briefly, pressing me to finish.
“I tipped my beer over her head in the middle of The Six.”
When I still got no reaction, I continued. “To be honest, it was tame compared to what I’d like to do to her, but you raised me well, Mum. I know I shouldn’t have given into her, but it’s the last day, and I got my grades, and…”
My voice trailed off as Mum’s stare began to unnerve me.
“Her father must have told Jeff because he’s mad. He’s been drinking too, Mum. It’s been every night now for months. Anyway… he didn’t like that I did that to Penelope and he just… he hit me.”
Mum’s stare didn’t waver.
“He hit me really hard, Mum. My head hit the stairs.”
I couldn’t believe I was trying to get her to empathise when the words ‘he hit me’ should have been enough.
After several seconds of uncomfortable silence, Mum closed her eyes again and rolled away from me.
My own breath stuttered in my lungs at the realisation she might not take my side. She was mymum. It was impossible. Unthinkable.
I held back the tear-laden choke that threatened to erupt and patted her shoulder.
“I’ll let you sleep. We can talk about it in the morning.”
I was on my feet and halfway to the door when she spoke again.
“Talk about what?”
I did a double take in the dark and my chest hollowed with the onset of grief.
