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Episode 1: Bagels
“If I could dig a grave and ceremoniously shove the entirety of Cedarburg, Wisconsin into that grave and then cover it with a fresh layer of manure and then light the entire planet on fire...it still wouldn’t be enough to soothe the loathing in my heartless corpse of an existence. But please, sir, go on. Tell me about your new love connection.” I gripped the phone so hard that the plastic squealed against my palm. “We at LoveBubble...” I stopped, if only to stare into the dark abyss that was the gray wall of my cubicle. “We at LoveBubble...love...snuggles.”
The man on the other end of the line yammered on about some woman he’d met who liked everything about him, from his hairy, odd-nippled chest to his argyle sock collection. My mind wandered to what sort of woman possessed that talent for lying and what it would take for me to convince her to let me into her apartment so I could sink my fangs into her.
“Alexei, remember! Mouths are for smiling, ears are for listening, and fingers are for—”
Shoving up your—
“Typing copious notes so we can better serve our LoveBubble customers!”
That was Keif. Remember him so we can exact vengeance on him later. Keif with an f. It’s bad enough to be Keith but no. His mother chose to legally name him Keif. Like she gave birth to a bad joke. Keif is the regional manager and he eats a bowl of plain cornflakes in the break room every damn day at damn 10:15 in the morning like it’s damn brunch.
And every day, he stops by my desk to tell me something I should improve. Yesterday, he told me to “put the chip back in chipper” and then tossed me a bag of corn chips. Like...he planned that shit. He was ready.
“I can’t do this.”
“I’m sorry?” Argyle wheezed into the phone. “Can’t do what?”
“Listen to you. Work here. Do this. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Oh. Could you transfer me to—”
I squeezed too hard. With my damn vampire strength. And the phone receiver cracked in two. I still moved to hang it up like I was on fucking autopilot too, which made me more angry than remembering the corn chip incident. I stood with vehemence.
“Oh hey there, Alexei, honey! Lovely Thursday, isn’t it? I just love me a good Thursday, don’t you know?” Felicity smiled, her bifocals slipping down her nose. “Where...where you going? Break time already?”
“I’ll be outside, draining the life force from my well-pleasured victims,” I growled at the old woman.
“Oh, a smoke break, eh? Those’ll kill you, you know.”
“I beg for death. Yet it never comes.”
She nodded, still beaming. “We all have our vices, deary. But do try and cut back. I want you working here with us for a long time to com—”
I pushed past her and stepped out into the main office area of LoveBuggle, Inc. After being greeted by a choir of idiots who were happy to see me for absolutely no reason, I stepped into our stairwell and dissolved into the shadows there, reappearing beneath the clouded, gloomy Wisconsin sky. February was the most brutal of winters. But at least something was brutal in this town besides me.
My phone rang. My actual phone. The one in the pocket of the black trench coat woven stitch by stitch by the hands of the imprisoned nuns in my homeland. I pulled the phone out and glanced at it. No number. With a groan, I pressed it to my ear.
“Leave me alone.”
“Back in you go.”
“I’m taking a smoke break.”
“You’re fleeing your sentence.”
“It’s a break—”
“If you cannot adhere to your sentence, more drastic measures will be taken.”
“More drastic?” I scoffed. “What did I ever do to you, Dimitri? Hm? What did I ever do to you?”
“You bled my mate when I was out working for your father. That’s one. Number two—”
“Alright, alright. Like you wouldn’t bleed my mate if I had one.”
“Maybe I would. If you had one, Alexei. But you don’t. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? The Prince of Vampires with no mate? Producing no heir?”
