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“I don’t eat.”
“What about asses? Not a fan of those either?”
I shrugged. “I like a good ass, I suppose. But only if it’s sensible.”
“Classic vamp.”
Classic Queen of the Undead.
She walked past me then, kicking the door to the break room. “You there! I’m looking for the bagel bitch. I have questions.”
Once she was gone, I could finally breathe again.
“Who’s that?” Dan asked, his hands shoved into khaki pants. Dan was the only moderately acceptable human at my workplace. Dull as a medieval town gathering pre-pitchforks...but acceptable.
“I don’t know, Dan. An angel?”
“She’s terrifying.” Dan sipped a cup of wildly mediocre coffee. “Is Felicity...crying...in the breakroom?”
I smirked. “She leaves justice in her wake.” I shook my head in disbelief. “Like a vigilante of darkness.”
Dan eyed me. “You’re so weird, man.”
“Thank you for noticing,” I said. I put my hand on his shoulder. “Now. Brew this temptress a cup of that revolting morning blend coffee. She needs sustenance.”
Dan frowned. “...what?”
“Sustenance, Daniel! We cannot leave her wanting. Go forth!” I shoved him and Dan stumbled forward, looking back at me over his shoulder as he slipped into the breakroom.
I shifted into the shadows, searching for what this monstrous woman was doing next. She pulled Keif into his office and I felt my stomach drop in anticipation. Perhaps she will bring to him his deserved demise. I’d never been more excited. No one deserved to be ended more so than my employer. On Christmas, he’d brought something called snowball cookies for the staff to try. Nothing but butter and powdered sugar. If only he knew how he offended the god of wintery damnation. But enough about him. That’s a different story.
The woman left Keif’s office with a sway to her short pleated skirt. She walked into the bathroom and Keif decided to dig his claws into me in her absence.
“How about you hop on over to your cubicle, Alexei? We’ve got some love connections to make! I know the audits are a scary time, but we’ll get—”
I left him blabbing and plopped down in my damn swivel chair. Then I opened my damn computer. Twelve damn emails from damn staff members. Damn.
“You.”
I had to hide my gasp of excitement as the woman sat on my desk, knocking over my stupid jar of pens. She put a combat boot up on the arm of my chair and turned it sharply so I faced her instead of my computer.
“Me.”
“What’s wrong with this place?”
“Where would you like me to start?”
“These people are all crazy. Everyone’s smiling. And being...nice.” She took her gum out, reached between her legs, and stuck it under my desk. Then she whispered. “I don’t trust it for a second.”
“Because it’s not to be trusted.”
She sniffed, like an attack cerberus ready to pounce. “You’re kind of hot.”
I glanced down at my perfect musculature, at my stunningly pale, divinely tattooed hands. “Kind of hot?” Who has she been sleeping with in comparison? Zeus himself?
“Take me to lunch.”
My dead heart fluttered to life in anticipation. “Is that an invitation?”
