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I can’t undo the past, but I can stop the future.
I think about my future child, the one I crave so much. How would I feel in the future if he or she treats me the way that I do George? Sure, George deserves it, but to what limit? No more do I live with him or have to see him on a daily basis. No more can he say hurtful things to me, but I act like a jerk whenever I know he’s near without him even exchanging a word.
As we leave the limo in silence I ponder on my emotions and how until now, I’ve never had to question them. I work, earn money, lots of money, and that’s it.
I remember Abuela asking me if that’s enough. And the journey I’ve embarked on by falling in love with Leticia tells me it is not enough.
I spend the whole flight listening to Joe Dispenza as if my life depends on it, and Wayne Dyer too.
Abuela spends most of the flight sleeping. She looks tired and weak. Once we land, she smiles at me.
“When your abuelo died, I thought it was it for me. That I would never really live again.”
I can’t believe she would think about it that way.
“He made it clear that I would need to resolve everything, including the shares of the company. Your father was his biggest disappointment with the way he treated you, but as long as you and your brother had brides and you were faithful to tradition, then you would take over.”
I nod, because this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this story.
“You were to marry Leticia and Jorge was to marry Belén.”
“Why arranged marriages? Now I think about it in this modern day there’s no room for that.”
She snatches her hand back, as if I’ve said the worst thing in the world.
“In this day and age, there’s even more room for it. There needs to be values. Without it everyone’s lost. Can’t you see?”
I shake my head, because I think about the disaster wedding I’ve had. I’m divorced and part of me feels responsible for it, but then the other part knows that if it wasn’t for it being an arranged marriage then none of it would have happened.
“Look at what happened between you and Leticia. She helped you open up your heart. Something you never would have done if there wasn’t an arranged marriage. You would have ended up like your father. Something I wouldn’t wish for anyone, especially you, in a million years.”
“Go home and rest. Tomorrow morning is a big day for both of us.”
I suck in a breath as I think about tomorrow, and the stress I’ve caused my abuela.
“Are you sure you don’t want company?”
She shakes her head, and then we both jump into our individual cars and head home. This is when it dawns on me, I have no home to go to. I was staying with Lucas, because I sold my house. My associate put my things in storage until I figured out my new move. I do have a suite at the Trump Towers I can stay in. Usually, we give it to our guests, but seeing as I’m homeless I’ll have no choice but to stay there.
The idea of selling my house felt good at the time, but nothing feels good at the moment as I think about where I’m going to rest my head tonight.
Ididn’t sleep as well as I thought I would in the beginning. I spent most of it listening to the audiobooks and trying to make sense of it. I did feel a little better as the hours rolled on and I stopped trying to fight the feeling and just rolled with it.
I never roll with anything, but as Wayne Dyer said, “Be attached to nothing and have an open mind.”
The more I tried it, the more I could feel myself completely letting go and sleeping without the need of a nightcap.
I smiled as I woke up, which was a really strange feeling, as if I were energized and ready to face the day, not roll back into my cave.
I want to send a message to Leticia so badly, but how many times can one apologize, not enough.
Every time I send one while I was on the plane, on the way to the hotel, the more it became meaningless, but I can’t think of how to make things right.
I need to try.
“Good morning, Stacey,” I smile as I pass my secretary’s desk.
“Good morning. Sir, they’re waiting for you in the conference room.”
